[didntaskforit]

I have some issues that need fixed, and I'd like some suggestions on how to change myself.

1. I really want people to like me. I am afraid of being hated. I usually act disinterested when I do talk to people, in order to hide my fear. If it seems that someone is happy to talk to me, I become obsessive about them. When people criticize me, I feel hurt/angry and I sometimes take it out on them. I don't have any friends and I feel like my family doesn't like me. This is perhaps my biggest problem, since it makes me the most unhappy.

2. I am bored most of the time; I have trouble getting the motivation to start doing things and to finish them as well. How can I get the motivation?

3. I get angry when things aren't going my way, and I often take it out on others. It makes me feel like a kid. How can I not get angry?

4. I have no insurance/money, will this hurt my chances of fixing myself?


Thanks for reading.

[Rohag]

Hello, Didntaskforit! I've been staring at your exceptionally well-crafted questions. Occasionally, while staring, I thought about what I was looking at. Here are a few of those thoughts, the more coherent ones anyway:

I really want people to like me. I am afraid of being hated.

Of these two, it may be more valuable to focus on your fear of being hated/disliked. People are more apt to "like" you if they perceive - that is, pick up on cues - you are comfortable with yourself.

If it seems that someone is happy to talk to me, I become obsessive about them.

Have you thought about why this is so? It may be that only an expert therapist ($$$) could really dissect this. If it's too hard to answer, go on to something easier. Remember, you don't have to have complete self-knowledge in order to be happy and functional.

When people criticize me, I feel hurt/angry and I sometimes take it out on them.

Substitute "myself" for "them" in this sentence, and you've pretty well described me. As for you, let's work this inside-out and backwards.

With lots of work, you may be able to shape your feelings in various situations. I suggest working on the actions you take when confronted by criticism; it's easier and more practical. I find feelings are far less controllable than actions. You can practice actions mentally beforehand.

What are the ways you actually "take it out on them" (no need to post your response)? Is there any pattern to the ways you react? Do you do the same one or two things each time? Can you imagine more appropriate responses? Can you practice them?

The Criticism: Why are people criticizing you? How often do they criticize? Do they criticize you for the same things when they criticize? Can you identify one or two things about yourself you could easily change or modify or hide that would defuse most of the criticism you face? (Again, no need to answer to anyone but yourself, and you don't even need to answer to yourself.)

I don't have any friends and I feel like my family doesn't like me. This is perhaps my biggest problem, since it makes me the most unhappy.

I imagine everyone needs to find a way of getting along with the people physically nearest them in order to make happiness possible, and those people are usually family. Why have you come to feel your family (all? part?) doesn't like you? What are the actual signs you're reading as "dislike?" Could you develop a plan to change your family's perception of you, a realistic plan that wouldn't over-tax your reserves of physical and emotional energy?

How can I get the motivation [to do and finish stuff]?

Someone else - please help Didntaskforit with motivation. I've flunked this repeatedly.

How can I not get angry?

Hopefully folks here who have had the benefit of professional therapy ($$$) will offer you ideas and techniques. I'm too medicated to let my anger out often, and then I usually turn it against myself.

I have no insurance/money, will this hurt my chances of fixing myself?

I'm tempted to reply "yes/maybe," but I don't know. Some people have worked wonders with themselves by going their own routes. Others have spent years in formal therapy and treatment with little to show for it. It's all very individual.

I wish you the very best! May PCers with lots more to offer find your posts and respond.

[didntaskforit]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Of these two, it may be more valuable to focus on your fear of being hated/disliked. People are more apt to "like" you if they perceive - that is, pick up on cues - you are comfortable with yourself.

How can I become comfortable with myself? Or at least, how can I pretend that I am?

Have you thought about why this is so?

I never had any friends, and I have the social skills of a toddler. I expect people to dislike me, and it makes me happy when they don't immediately dislike me.

What are the ways you actually "take it out on them" (no need to post your response)? Is there any pattern to the ways you react? Do you do the same one or two things each time? Can you imagine more appropriate responses? Can you practice them?

I become sarcastic and I make fun of them. The right thing to do would be not to.

The Criticism: Why are people criticizing you?

They usually try to help me by giving advice on how to do things better. I frequently think they are angry with me.

Why have you come to feel your family (all? part?) doesn't like you? What are the actual signs you're reading as "dislike?" Could you develop a plan to change your family's perception of you, a realistic plan that wouldn't over-tax your reserves of physical and emotional energy?

I live with my dad. He doesn't seem happy most of the time, and I feel like I'm the cause of it. My father's side of the family seems to be afraid of me because I act disinterested.

I don't talk to my mother's side of the family very much, they frequently fight each other. Most of the time they yell at each other, sometimes they start hitting each other. The police frequently get involved.

I grew up with my mother and my siblings, and I moved in with my dad when I was around 12. I left my siblings behind and I feel guilty about it.

I wish you the very best! May PCers with lots more to offer find your posts and respond.

Thank you for helping me out.

[FeelingHopeful]

Hello Didnt ask for it, Welcome, This site is very helpful, so hopefully you will like it here. Was Wondering about your comment, you have no friends and feel like your family hates you? What makes you feel that way?

[FeelingHopeful]

Hello Didnt ask for it, Welcome, This site is very helpful, so hopefully you will like it here. Was Wondering about your comment, you have no friends and feel like your family hates you? What makes you feel that way?

[depressedalaskan]

(((((didntaskforit))))) I have some of the same questions good post.

[ACanthony1984]

Didntaskforit- Hello and welcome. This is just a thought, have you tried turning to a religion for your answers? Earlier in my life (I'm 25 now) I was in the same boat you are in. I was often bored..very thin skinned...very angry a lot of the time for no reason. I'd take offense to the slightest criticism. I then read "The Purpose Driven Life" and it changed my life around. I now wake up every morning (this wasn't an overnight thing) and I really enjoy each moment of my life. Not all moments, but usually, most days are good. If religion is not your thing (and I can understand that), why don't you try reading some books. There's a lot of positive things out there that can help you out. It seems like you just need to be more positive...sounds like you're a great soul but just need to find some answers....Some suggestions for books. 1. The Purpose Driven Life. 2. Get Off your 'Buts' by Sean Stevenson. 3. Awaken the giant within by Tony Robbins. I would just make a commitment to be more positive. Ignore all the negativity. Start to enjoy your life. Good luck and I wish you well my friend. All is well.

[Bill3]

Is there anything that you particularly like to do?

Do you have opportunities to exercise or volunteer?

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( didntaskforit ))))))))))))))))

[Rohag]

Good day, Didntaskforit!

I may have chosen my words better in one of my questions. I asked, “Can you imagine more appropriate responses?” The last thing you need here is more judgment; I should have used the phrase “effective responses,” effective in the sense of influencing your family to modify their behavior and attitudes toward you. I appreciate your own reply, “The right thing to do....” Thinking in black and white terms like “right” and “wrong” do have their place, but in trying to modify your own behavior – something I find exceptionally difficult, speaking in less value-laden terms like relative effectiveness may be more useful. I certainly don't seek to condemn or belittle you, and I wouldn't want to contribute to your judging yourself.

Regarding your sarcasm, I suspect - I don't really know – there's a part of the real you buried beneath it. My opinion is, in trying to effect self-change, it's better work with yourself than against yourself. Maybe you could try massaging or revising the way you use sarcasm so that it evokes interest and curiosity rather than adversarial reactions. Quick example: perhaps when someone says something that triggers your sarcasm response, you could try to make the first thing out of your mouth be a restatement of what that person said – that could buy you a few seconds to find a creative follow-on reply.

Regarding unsolicited advice from family: are they genuinely trying to help you, or are they putting you down? One way to sift out the one from the other is by politely and genuinely asking for hands-on help that demands time and effort from the person giving the advice. If they're genuine, they'll make time then or later to assist you. If not, they'll eventually stop the advice because they don't want to involve themselves with you more than they have to.

Those are a couple of quick thoughts. The very best of wishes to you!