[bananasarecool]

first off i would just like to say a big big thankyou to all those that commented on my earlier posts and to the one requesting my support. its nice to know that people actually would care if i dissapeared off of the face of this earth, and that people understand the feelings that im going through.

its... odd how you can manage to summon up a little hope; go out a couple of times and not hide away in your room. and its even weirder how that can be snatched away for seemingly no reason leaving you feel emptier, tireder and even more miserable than before.

on the meds front... im still thinking about them. i really dont want to take them; i feel like theyd mess my head up even more - but i feel as though i should.
my parents think i should be forced to take them... my mum especially. in our last family session she said "well i think that depression runs through our entire family, the only difference is her incapability to cope with it and how she shows it. and she seemed fine when she was with her boyfriend..."
which i have interpreted as her basically saying that im weak and pathetic and that i dont deserve to be helped.

the means of doing so... this is gonna sound really stupid... but i bought a razor. not to definitely "use", just for an option... a way out. if i got so low that i couldnt go on any more...
its sitting in my washbag upstairs; im fairly sure that my mums seen it. i think i need to tell her but im too ashamed to.

on the food + sleep front;
couldnt get to sleep till fourish last night... i normally get a little more but i just really couldnt sleep. i kept waking up.
i ate... a small baked potato and half a cup of cheerios without milk. nothing else... at first what i thought was a picky appetite turned out to be a lack of one; the thought of sitting in front of a plate of pasta makes my stomach churn.
i look awful.
i feel like crap.
im so tired...
im such a failiure.
i dont deserve your support. i dont deserve pity. or care. many people have much harder lives. im financially secure, i dont come from a broken family..
i wish i was able to believe in religion. i wish that i could find some light at the end of the tunnel.
but i just want to be left alone. completely alone. i want it all to stop. i want the hurting to go away; its too hard. its too pointless.

[Naturefreak]

[podbaby]

I totally identify with how you feel...I'm going through the same thing. Sometimes you feel like everything will be okay, and the next minute you don't know how you can possibly go on.

The pain will and can go away. I understand your fear of meds too...I know they can help, but you need to talk to someone that will actually listen to you instead of just writing a prescription. (I'm still looking for that kind of doctor...)

You DO deserve support! Sometimes just talking to someone can make you feel a little better and give you a new perspective. Sometimes make you see something you wouldn't have on your own. It is hard to get through, but you'll be able to handle anything when you do. I've been through these feelings alot, and I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel, just sometimes there's a cloud covering it so you don't see right away.

[idontknow13]

bananasarecool

[Rohag]

Good to hear from you, Bananasarecool! I appreciate the update; it can be difficult to muster the focus and energy to post.

Originally Posted by Bananasarecool

...odd how you can manage to summon up a little hope; go out a couple of times and not hide away in your room. and its even weirder how that can be snatched away for seemingly no reason...

Oh yes, that's depression. Meds help smooth out the roller coaster effect, but, in my case, they fall far short of enabling me to crawl out of my hole.

Originally Posted by Bananasarecool

at first what i thought was a picky appetite turned out to be a lack of one

That's an insight you can use. I suppose you could find easy-to-eat foods and portions that don't turn your stomach.

Originally Posted by Bananasarecool

couldnt get to sleep till fourish last night... i normally get a little more but i just really couldnt sleep. i kept waking up.

Speaking from experience, chronic lack of refreshing sleep will bring you down fast. Even if it's "just a symptom" of depression, it deserves significant attention. Restoring not just sleep but refreshing sleep is a priority.

It's interesting to learn depression runs in the family, at least according to your mum, but she seems to think you (or anyone?) should be able to cope with it on your own. You spoke of a "family session". Do you have any "private" sessions without your parents around? Can you get one-on-one sessions?

So much for my attempts to be practical and helpful... I'm the ill advising the ill. Take all the above, toss it in the air and let the breeze blow away the chaff. Keep only what genuinely appeals to you in your situation. And if that's nothing, well, know we care and will continue to care even if our caring is off the mark.

[turquoisesea]

You do deserve support.

I just wanted to add, please try to throw away the razor. If you got it with that thought behind... get rid of it. To say no to that "option" - you have to try to realize that it ISN'T an option, that there are many other options that you have that are far better.

sending loads of hugs

[Pomegranate]

((((bananas)))) one thought (of many) that came to mind while I was reading your post was that you might ask you mom why she would begrudge you something or someone that helps you feel better? She should know, there being so much depression in the family, that "being depressed" does not necessarily mean you are in a constant black hole. Your moods can still be a bit better/a bit worse comparitively speaking. And things or people can still make you feel better - that's a good thing. Just because it's your boyfriend doesn't mean you are not "really" depressed.

Also I do hope you will tell someone about the razor, someone you trust and is supportive of you - who won't make you feel worse than you already do.

Also just want you to know I read your post and I care. Please take care of yourself.

[bananasarecool]

thanks, everyone, for all of your support. it really does help.
im supposed to have private sessions too but i normally end up trying to not go in alone.. i hate talking, i hate telling people about my thoughts or wanting to end my life or how i feel or this sickness - its something im utterly ashamed of.
im making myself eat at least one full meal a day - whether thats healthy or not, i dont know, but it seems that if i didnt i just wouldnt eat.
i feel... terrible right now. one of my lowest lows. i keep thinking but those pills... and then reallising that theyre out of my reach. and getting frustrated and desperate and angry and confused. its... fd up. really... you kinda cant stop yourself from thinking BUT IT COULD ALL BE OVER... THE HURTING COULD STOP IN A MATTER OF MINUTES.
and then you feel ashamed and horrible for thinking like that... but then you start to find more ways that you could do it, more ways out. at least i cant hang myself; i think a suicide committed in my room would be easiest to do without thought.
god, im morbid..
it doesnt seem to occur to me that what im typing is actually being said, that it could be read, people could know. its a way of saying what i desperately want to that i can do... just because i know that its private.
a guy on here posted saying that he thinks suicide is inevetable and... i only just reallised that im not the only one that kinda feels like this. its like i just "know" that when i die, it will be by my own hand.. because lifes stresses and strains are too much for me... life is.. too hard.
ive kinda given up with my parents, with how i look... whatever. visiting a poorly relative in hospital tomorrow and a) dreading going and being outside and b) dreading having to talk to people, not being able to hide, not being able to get out. it sounds stupid but the thought of being in a room full of people is terrifying right now...
was told by someone that doesnt know of my depression that im very "judgemental and self pitiful." call me stupid but what is self pity? feeling cruddy? not taking care of yourself? "moping" and doing very little?
well their words have... no effect on me any more. it was over the internet obviously, i avoid going out and seeing people at all costs but i honestly couldnt summon the energy to care; it wasnt anything that i didnt know anyway.
i lost my virginity yesterday... and i dont really know what to feel about it. i dont really care... which probably sounds whorish. or like i fd up. or just plain stupid.
its horrible to look back and reallise how little you now care about anything.
and about the sleep thing... theres nothing that they can do. i can take nightol but im choosing not to... an overdose of that can require a hospital visit and i actually dont want to trust myself where that is concerned... i should probably also do the hot bath/ drink thing before bed too but i just dont have the energy.
thankyou, everyone. i hope that those of you that are also suffering will see the light at the end of the tunnel soon.
x

[kebsfroggy]

Late as always, this frog of little brain just had a chance read your thread. I haven't decided whether low self esteem causes the depression or the depression is the result of low self esteem. Doesn't matter I guess you still like crap.
I'm so old it takes three cycles of the green lights for me to cross the street. So when I say I understand how you are feeling, or been there done that, I know what you are feeling . . . . You can bet on it.

By joining PC you decided to make a change. One of those for better or worse kind of changes. You start your journey as only one of many, under this huge umbrella of mental illness. However, the warmth of understanding and support on PC quickly envelops you into the group. You quickly become a part of this unique support system.

By helping those we meet here we also help ourselves. We express our problems, complaints and concerns. In return we share feelings, ideas, thoughts, knowledge, friendship and share our ideas with others.

You are a part of a support group that is there when needed. Your quickly absorbed into the group willing to support all those around you.
We will be here for you regardless of the your problem.

All it takes is a single hug to turn a stranger into a friend.

Hope this make sense. I have taken my night time pills and then you never know what goes down on the page.

kebs

[turquoisesea]

((((((((((((((((((((bananas)))))))))))))))))))))

I noticed you said you feel ashamed for feeling the way you do. It's not fun, but it's not your fault you feel this way. There's nothing to be ashamed of

[bananasarecool]

thanks guys... and itd probably take me just as long to cross the lights too ;/ everything i do nowerdays seems to be in slow motion and just getting ready to go out takes the energy out of me for hours... its all just so... tiring. and i know it sounds stupid to feel ashamed but i just feel... i dont know. like i dont deserve it, that my lifes not as hard as others, that im just weak and pathetic for feeling this.
i now long to sleep before 3 am... and long to wake 7 hours after i can finally keep my tired eyes shut. sounds stupid, i know... but i miss sleep. i miss energy - perhaps thats partially down to depression too, but still...
ive eaten about 1,300 calories today... im trying to ensure that im eating enough to keep going, however sick it makes me feel. i dont tend to get hungry much... but i get hunger pains from time to time, its then that i know that i really should eat a meal.
i guess im just taking it one day at a time... and trying to forget about the stresses that will be apparent tomorrow, the day after, whatever.
i cant help but just want it all to end... its those unbearable lows, especially late at night when theres no distraction and youre just laying awake in bed... and you just think WHY? and you cant wait for the relief of sleep in the hope that by the next morning, you wont be hurting so bad.

one day, i think, it stops hurting. one day it will be easy to live. one day i will want to. its hard to fight when the fight isnt fair; when reality is contorted beyond understanding and you see nothing but the darkness.
im waiting out for a flashlight, i guess.
it just takes time.

[Naturefreak]

(((bananasarecool)))

Nice to see you are having some positive thoughts
I believe that someday you will feel much better.
Keep up the unfair fight.
Take Care

[turquoisesea]

sounds stupid

not stupid at all

Originally Posted by bananasarecool

one day, i think, it stops hurting. one day it will be easy to live. one day i will want to. its hard to fight when the fight isnt fair; when reality is contorted beyond understanding and you see nothing but the darkness.
im waiting out for a flashlight, i guess.
it just takes time.

So well said