[Wants2Fly]

There is a Sufi program that I so much want to participate in that costs $3K. I could still charge it, but my credit debt has is close to my limits.

I've been really sick with severe depression and PTSD. The more stable I become, and as I benefit from others' stories and learning about these diseases, the more I realize how sick I've been. The symptoms. The cognitive disorganization. Sometimes I still feel so overwhelmed by some tasks that I feel like crying. Or feel like crying to look at what I used to be able to do, and wonder if I ever will be. Or if it even matters.

I'm starting to realize that I can't hope to find a job through the classifieds. I've got to "network" a phrase that strikes dread in my heart. I am an introvert. This doesn't mean that a person is shy. Because I'm not. I've been a reporter. But I get my nourishment from being alone. And since the depression and PTSD, I can feel overwhelmed and confused in crowded places, even a mall.

The good news, I guess, is that I can start to think about this and make plans of ways I can do this. The kinds of groups I might seek out. Start to set goals and make schedules. Yuk. But I gotta. And pray that I don't fall back down into the black pit, that I can somehow keep going and manage to do what I need to do to earn money. Because somehow I've got to pay these bills and keep a roof over my head.

I wish there were places where middle-aged women who've been discarded by society could go to live in communities. Where there might be individual rooms and community rooms too. I think they were called convents in the middle ages.

Tired now. Need to go to sleep.

No need to answer. Just need to vent.

wishful thinking:

i really identify with where you're at.......i'm so sick of worrying about money, transportation, etc. my house sale in NM is looking like all of the profit will go to lawyers. and i worked so hard on that place. i gave a very low price for it and improved it until it was wonderful and serene and pretty and etc. etc...i feel as though i've been powerless over the machinations (sp) of the neighbor, the government, the other lawyers.....my lawyer has done everything right and we're still not able to close.........
i'd go live in one of "those" places in a heartbeat, if i knew you'd be there, Wants..........pat

Vent away dear friend. I think most of us have had money woes before and will probably run into them again.

Ry

[wi_fighter]

It's tax day. I think just about everyone can relate. I'm going to owe about $8000, of which I don't even have $1 to pay today.

I'd become a member of a commune in a heartbeat if people could stand to live with two teenagers and my lack of housecleaning skills. Heck, I'd be up for just a roommate but I make up excuses for why someone wouldn't want to share a place with us. Too messy, too noisy, not enough privacy because I work from home, smelly cats....

[silver_queen]

((((((((((((((wants2fly))))))))))))))

I hope all your good plans for the future work out for you .

[Wants2Fly]

That's the problem, Silver. I don't really have plans anymore. Why bother? Nothing in life that I've worked for or planned for has turned out. I feel as if I'm treading water -- and I'm getting tired and I don't know why I'm doing it because there's no shore in sight.

I feel really tired today. Physically, mentally, emotionally tired. It seems to take so long to do little things. I feel overwhelmed and confused fairly easily.

Every time I make a mistake or misstep in class, I feel like it's the end of the world. Like a failure. A screw up.

Sliding down that slippery slope . . . again. . .

[Feynman]

Venting can really help sometimes.

This is positive stuff...Setting goals, making plans, and takings steps to stay away from the edge of the black pit.

It seems unfair that when you need financial security to help you through tough emotional times your financial situations often gets worse. Jobs disappear, spouses leave, savings dry up, and medical and therapy bills pile up. A more compassionate society would give people more cushion from this kind of stress. Oh well.

If you need creative ideas for finding work that is meaningful, check out the oldie-but-goodie "What Color Is Your Parachute?: A Practical Manual for Job-Hunters and Career-Changers" (Ten Speed Press). The author, Nelson Bolles, is a kindly, wise older guy with a background in physics, engineering and theology. He's been updating this book yearly for over thirty years and it is still fresh and informative. It's sort of a "discover yourself while you find a job" career change book.

He's an ordained Episcopalian priest so he might have some tips on finding a convent to join


All the best,
Saafir

Read a neat interview of Bolles at
http://www.fastcompany.com/online/27/bolles.html

[Feynman]

Gently now,

When you're sliding down that slope, there NEVER seems to be a shore in sight. Trust me, It's still there. And as soon as you feel better you will see it clearly. Hell, you might even be standing on it and not realize it through the fog.

Overwhelmed, tired, confused -- aren't these all familiar bedfellows of depression? Don't let them fool you. Hold onto hope.

This is going to pass. Like it always has before.

Saafir

[jmo531]

((((((((((((((((((((((((WTF))))))))))))))))))))))

Hugs if you want them.

I was reading your post and I realized how similar your story is to mine. I use to be able to handle the world. No problem. Now after the depression and anxiety, I question weather I will ever be able to handle the things I was able to handle before. I took medical leave from work for 2 months because my depression reduced me to a pile of mush.
After returning to work, my hubby and T would often tell me that going to work is a big accomplishment and that I should be proud. In my head I'm thinking to myself, "Are they for real?". I mean any "normal" person can go to work.
It took sometime before I realized that I am not the person I used to be anymore. I am different in many ways and I have to treat myself different because of the depression and anxiety. I am still working on this. Everyday for me taking small steps towards recovery is bitter sweet. I still think to myself that I am capable of more but then I realize how far I have come since my "breakdown" and I feel proud of the strides I have made thus far and you should be too.
All the trauma, heartache, depression we have been through in life didnt happen in one day so you cant expect the recovery process to move that fast either. I know that recovery is a slow process that I get frustrated with but I know moving to fast could set me back and I dont want that. I have to re-think life and move slowly in the direction I need to go by setting goals and taking baby steps. This takes time but I know that with every step I get closer to being that strong independant women that I once was.

Even if you fall down while moving on your journey forward, you get up and dust yourself off and try again. You can do this, I know you can. Your an intelligent, strong, determined and beautiful women who is capable of more then you give yourself credit for.
You idea of making goals and setting a schedule is good. Start there. Then move one foot in front of the other. Before you know it........your off and away.

Good luck to you sweety and my thoughts, love and prayers are will you always.

[(JD)]

<<happens to like kind, older, wise guys with background in physics and theology ; )

sigh w2f... when we are in the darkness ANYthing else looks better because they're in the light. Don't make any decisions when down there... esp "knowing" your financial situation. Sometimes we grab at things illogically, with a dark hope that it will be what "works" and takes us out of wherever it is we are.

Don't reach so high... smaller steps and goals... something achievable and with a surer result.

(((hugs)))

[christopherm317]

Even though I'm only 23 I can so relate to almost all of you here. I feel as if life has skipped me by. I try to be positive and say oh collage is not to late for me.( Passed up a scholarship for a bf.) Too late now. Then I think young daughter failing marriage. Yeah I need a convent. Sure I'm there. Hope is so hard to find at times. Its even easier to loose hope all the time. If you don't have some sort of support group. Friends family whom ever. Friends help you cope with life. Money is not everything. This coming from a broke person who used to walk tall with a decent living and nice belongings. Now I'm a house wife and life seems to stink no money no job every one around complaining cause money is tight and I stay at home. What helps me the most to keep ticking is to just think, There is always someone else out there worse off then me. I have it good. People are starving in other country's. Here I am feeding my daughter some gold fish while I make her lunch. Getting mad cause there's no more cold pop. Some people are literally dying of thirst out in the world. There's always someone out there who can relate to you. And who has it worse then you. Keep your head remember you are capable and stay away from people who kick you down. Don't let Life pass you by. Have fun stay safe.