scared of my life...

I'm not sure what direction my life is going...I need a break...time out...away from my job, life, husband...if only I could take my son to the hospital with me. I could get away for what I know is my terrible screwed up life...I put myself here I guess.

Spoke to T last night about sexual thoughts/feelings towards him. It's in another thread someplace if you want to read it. I feel so ashmed of my feelings and was so angry with myself last night. I was so angry that I had a hard time just being in the moment with my son...what kind of mother am I???? a down right terrible one.

I don't have anyone...i have driven all my good close friends away...even if they were still around...they don't get it...they don't have issues like I do so to them I am just some crazy whacked out person who just wants attention...yes I would like that...well maybe not...idk...it's just better to isolate. I won't get hurt if I isolate.

I am supposed to see my T 3 days from now...then he going on vacation for a week or so.

Do any of you remember the game, monkeys in a barrel, where you had to get all the monkeys out using this string and magnet, well I fee like that last money laying in the bottom...by the time you get to it and try so hard to reach it and get it out...you are just to tired of trying to get all the ones before it out...I am that last lonely monkey...the one nobody gets out. then more monkeys are just thrown in on your back...that's me...

I see the light, but then it gets closed off with more things I have to deal with and try to solve before the light ever come again. I didn't think my life would be this hard. Maybe it's time to quite...therapy, trying...it's just better to give up and easier...so much easier.

I better stop now...don't want to say to much...those people are watching and they will lock me up if I do...

Hospital? I asked my therapist if I could go into the hospital for the same reasons. I just wanted out, some place safe to think and get better. I didn't get to go.

Sexual thoughts about others is most likely normal. But remember you are married and acting out your desires would not be good.

Friends, Not sure if I have driven all of my friends away or it is just the fact that I have ignored them for so long that they quit coming by. I know I have driven some of them off by trying to explain how I feel but that is to be expected with a mental illness. If your illness was physical you would not have this problem. We just have to give society time to catch up to mental illnesses. You have friends here at PC and we do understand.

If you can see the light just for a short time it is not time nor is it ever time to quit fighting our illnesses. They will someday be able to cure us and understand more about what we live through.

Why do you feel that you are a terrible mother? I looked over your threads I see nothing there to see this. You sound like an awesome mom.


Hugs for your day.

past and future don't exist....stop thinking about them...then you will be relaxed!

((((((((((tryingtobeme))))))))))

I don't know if this will help, but sexual feelings towards a therapist is not uncommon, nor feelings like he is your father figure.

It is called "transference" and is a normal part of therapy and can be very useful in getting well.

Mostly, I want to say that you are not alone with these feelings and you don't need to be ashamed.

I have had and do have transference with my T. And it is embarrasing. But I learn from it, grow from it.

I have read your other threads too, and I think you sound like a great mom.

As far as wanting to go to the hospital, have you brought it up with your T. Who knows maybe a short stay would be good for you. I've had hospital stays before and they did help me. Although you couldn't take your son. But if it is a short stay, he would probably be OK, because going there would make YOU more OK. Know what I mean?

Many hugs and Caring Thoughts--

Just imagine us as a bunch of monkeys (no offense) all reaching
out for your hand . That is a better way of looking at it.
I've had sexual thoughts about my therapist too . She is a beautiful woman . That doesn't mean you are going to act on them . I'm sure your not the first to do this and won't be the last.
And I believe you are a wonderful mother also .
Keep posting , we care

Thanks everyone. I will address a few things tomorrow. I have to work on getting my son down to sleep since he is fighting me all night long. Be back tomorrow to respond. Thank you again. Take Care everyone.

You once told me you loved monkeys .
Here are a few I dug up just for you.

Your feelings are normal - we get so close to our therapist, it's hard to 'not' have feelings.
As for going into the hospital I do understand that as well.
Wishing it was like they used to show on the old t.v. movies that you could just walk around on the green green grass.
As for friends I'm there too.
I think that's not that we RUN the AWAY - I realized they just don't know how to handle their stuff so how can they deal with someone elses.
We've all got stuff ALL got STUFF
As for that monkey chain..... just think you might feel that your at the bottom - BUT it's the 'most' risky and you're still hanging on!

((((Babysteps09)))) your are the best. Thank you again. good post ^^^^

wery good ((((starlite*111)))) hugs for your day.

[quote=depressedalaskan;1117007]Hospital? I asked my therapist if I could go into the hospital for the same reasons. I just wanted out, some place safe to think and get better. I didn't get to go. My T will let me know if I say I need the help, he knows how much I struggle and we always discuss before hand. He can read me like a book...I guess that is good.

Sexual thoughts about others is most likely normal. But remember you are married and acting out your desires would not be good. He said they are normal and he's not suprised. I want to act out on them...well I would just to get some comfort...of course that is not healthy either.

Why do you feel that you are a terrible mother? I feel I do everything wrong with my son...my T says I am very good with him and do what he needs...so...idk

I know what you mean about me being OK makes it better for my son. He is going through separation anxiety now and I can't go to the hospital knowing that my son is crying for me. He hates even when I leave the room. He doesn't even sleep well anymore because he wants me with him.

I've brought it up on a few occasions w/my T and if I really wanted to go, he would let me and authorize me to go.

Thank you for the monkey pictures Stare. Monkeys are so adorable. I need to live in a jugle some place that has all the animals...then I could be alone and no one would have to bother with me.

(((((((tryingtobeme))))))))