[grainsofsand]

Help!!! My child's temper tantrums are driving me crazy. I don't know whether I should stay firm and have her calm down and behave and apologize first and foremost (she's five) and then take her to school, or let her know that no matter what she should go to school on time. I feel she needs to know her behavior is wrong and unacceptable, but I don't want her to manipulate me into staying home. I don't even know what she's doing or why. I can't see the situation straight right now. I almost want to have a tantrum myself. lol. (sort of) She gets frustrated instantly and made at herself . I don't want her to have low self esteem. Don't know what is the right thing to do anymore!! And whatever I do I tend to feel guilty. (Yes, I know about Supernanny and so far the suggestions are not working) She is very smart and very stubborn. What in the world am I supposed to do???

[Parker10]

Is she having a tantrum because she does not want to go to school? If so, I would make sure she goes to school on time, to let her know that throwing a tantrum does not change the fact she has to go and on time.

She really knows how to push your buttons and test you, but YOU are the parent, and she has to learn that. Get down even with her - looking her in the eyes, tell her you can see that she is upset, but that going to school is something she must do, and tell her if she uses words, rather than tantrums, you can help her better. I vote strongly for her going to school on time, even if she does not apologize (for whatever she said or did). I would also set up some strong "consequences" for actions such as tantrums. If she has one before school, she does not get a snack or TV or whatever she really really likes after school. Stay consistent with her now, it will help her learn boundaries now, to prevent horrible problems later ! Good luck !!!

P.S. Have your tantrum after she is at school ! LOL !!!

[(JD)]

Maybe talking with her about WHY she doesn't want to go to school... it might be something simple and it might be something very important.

She sounds like she already has low self esteem if she is feeling she isn't good enough to just do a good job but wants things perfect... she needs more praise for even the little things she does right, on time, or that she thinks of to do, maybe?

Acting out is never good... for children or adults. I still act out from time to time...and it doesn't help me one bit but makes me feel worse. Sounds to me like there's a lot of anger and frustration and the tantrums are the only way she (you) know how to process it.

it doesn't sound like your daughter has low self-esteem..it sounds like she's learned how to get your attention and push all of your buttons about promptness and school. can you get her full attention if you sit down to her level and talk to her? and, this is important, have you talked to her teacher and/or the principal to find out if there is anything untowards happening on their end? maybe a bully.... before i'd put her in a certain box, i'd do some real detective work and try to find out what's causing this and then what you can do to help her through it. pat

[Peanuts]

yup - I totally agree that if she is throwing a tantrum because she doesn't want to go to school than it is very important that she DOES get to school and get there on time. Little kids need their parents to teach them good boundaries. Her job right now is to attend school.

You might consider speaking with her teacher(s) and let them know she is having a tough time coming to school. Perhaps there is something going on at school that is causing the trouble. Perhaps in cooperation with her teachers something can be identified and a solution found. Maybe school is hard for her and she is not confident of her academic abilities. Maybe another classmate is picking in her or maybe she never gets to sit in the favorite bean bag chair or something like that.

Does your daughter ride the bus ?? School buses are famous for being very unpleasant environments especially for young kids. Maybe the bus ride is the problem. If the bus is the problem, perhaps you can take her to school yourself and skip the bus.

A suggestion is to offer an immediate reward for your daughter if she skips the morning tantrum and goes to school without a fuss. You can tell her your plan ahead of time - not in the heat of the moment but maybe the afternoon before. You can tell her that if she can show what a big girl she is and use big girl words instead of toddler tantrums, then right after school the two of you will go ... get ice cream to celebrate her new big girl skills. Or maybe go for french fries or some small treat. If the tantrum occurs - then you can tell her that "I'm sorry that you have chosen to skip getting ice cream today. I was hoping we could go. Lets try again tomorrow. " And then stick with it. As tough as it is, try to stay calm and use a non-yelling voice.

What I used to do for my son when he was preparing for a tantrum is "I'm sorry, I can't understand what you want to tell me. Please use your big boy voice and words so that I can understand. " Eventually, all I would have to say is "big boy voice" and the whinning would stop.

Hang in there - parenting is a tough job and your child will not appreciate your efforts at this point. Maybe down the road when they are parents themselves will they appreciate all your efforts.

Good luck to you.

[Lauren1214]

I'd pick her up, put her in the car, and drive her to school no matter what, even if she's in the middle of a tantrum. I'd tell her, "we'll talk about this later." And I'd make sure we did talk about it, although in a calm, matter of fact kind of way (not yelling and name calling). She needs to know that you'll be in control no matter what, so that she feels safe. I'd definitely be sure to talk to her and others about what's going on, too. For years, I was miserable going to school, and no one ever bothered asking me why. Not a good feeling... but she still needs to know that using words, not acting out, are going to be helpful to her. Good luck! I have a two year old and some days, like you said, I'm ready to throw a tantrum myself, so I understand. Take care--Lauren.

[Kalamity]

Difficult situation. Be firm - not passive or aggressive. Talk to her well before she has to leave about why she resists - do not apologize for sending her to school. State simply and plainly that she has to go to school. If she doesn't get ready then you simply pick up her things and toss them in a bag and take her out the door as is. You cannot stop her from having a tantrum, I wouldn't give her any attention during a tantrum beyond reminding her that she's a big girl and her behavior is not appropriate or acceptable. Ignore the tantrum beyond doing what you need to do to get her to school.

[grainsofsand]

Thanks so much for the reply. I really do hope she is only pushing my buttons and doesn't have low self esteem (although more praise and encouragement would certainly help). I may not have explained the tantrums too clearly while in my frazzled state writing my post. My daughter's tantrums can come out at any time of frustration or anger and she even admitted to me once that she takes it out on me because she knows I will always love her no matter what. It just happened to be right before school that time and I didn't know what to do first. I am trying my best to stay calm and not to let her actions or comments get to me, but sometimes it does wear me out and even hurt my feelings. Thanks again for your thoughts. It all helps.

[wi_fighter]

grains, sounds like your daughter is perfectly "normal" even if it is hard to deal with. When my kids were in day care, they'd fall apart when I got there and the teachers said that happens with a lot of kids because they feel secure enough to just let it all out.

So, try not to have hurt feelings, but feel proud that whatever you've done so far has made your daughter feel loved and protected.

[christopherm317]

Being a parent is hard enough on its own. Having the world around giving advice you already know or just bad advice really sucks. Here's my point. Your kid throws a fit. WHY? Problems with kids at school? Maybe a teacher who is mean when your not there? Are you working more hours and having less time with your kid? It could be separation anxiety. Don't act unless you know the real reason why. I had a teacher hit our hands when I was 6. Yeah I skipped school and didn't even now what that meant at the time. Luckily for me my Mom listened to me the child before listening to an adult (The teacher.) That's my advice your child is old enough to tell you what's wrong. Take the time to listen to your daughter and talk to her. Find out why she is having a hard time going to school. Regardless of what other people might say. Your child trust you and will talk to you if you choose to listen. Be her parent and take the time to show her that you do care for her and she doesn't have to holler to get you to listen. Good luck