Visit with T today

ooo I SAW that sneak!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



"Open the doors and windows and let your heart breathe" (thank you k )

Heather, Fuzzy is soooooo cute. He is a Rott and the eyes make you melt.....lol. I have a king size bed.......and my son has shared it with me since birth. My husband and I do not sleep in the same bed, let alone the same room. Alex (my son) used to sleep on me when he was born. I was worried about SIDS - I knew every breath he took. Now my bed is up against the wall - lined from the bed about 3/4 of the way up to the ceiling with stuffed animals. In between him and I are some pillows because the animals have to have someplace to sleep close by us [shaking head] and they can't sleep alone because they're scared of the dark.

Alex has his own bed, but because of someone I won't mention, he is always worried that I won't be there the next morning or that I am going away. He used to hear that all the time when I was working esp. when I had to work late. He waited up for me every night or fell asleep on the couch. He wouldn't go to bed without me home.

Yes, Alex and I have many long conversations at night and we listen to the sounds of the ocean and stuff while we go to sleep. When I was in the hospital it was very hard for him - me too for that matter.

Every morning I am greeted with hugs and kisses from him and ALL the animals in the bed.......needless to say, this takes awhile .

Everyone here is very supportive and patient.....I feel so whiny these days. Thanks Heather, for caring.

Mannn... I want a bed like that...sounds like a little Eden Your son sound sterrific,how old is he?



"Open the doors and windows and let your heart breathe" (thank you k )

{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}

Never feel whiny...my heavens...that thought has never entered my mind. I love hearing more about you too . I love the name Alex btw How old is he? I will post a pic of my boys on here (another thread) so you can see them too. They are my joy and I can sense the same with you. We are lucky aren't we?

I can also understand the not sleeping in the same bed scenario....same with me with my ex...that went on for over 3 years. I slept on the couch though as Timmy was still in a crib ....the ex wanted the bed and I was too afraid to ask him if we could switch. Oh well

I am enjoying getting to know you better...we have so much in common.

Hugs
Heather

<font color=blue>The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way </font color=blue>

Alex is 7 1/2.......born the day after xmas. Poor kid, I'm always telling him he is a beautiful child - he tells me he will always be my "baby". Words can not describe what he means to me - he never went thru those "terrible stages". I have always spoken to him as an equal, never in baby words.

He's had his own computer since he's been 3........that boy is smart [proud look]. He goes online, knows how to install/download programs, etc. He is the one who taught my husband how to run a computer and fix things. That child watches me way too much - lol. When I upgrade computers, he gets my old one which makes my husband mad - since I won't give it to him. Alex now has a Compaq with Win ME, a printer and scanner. It helped him learn how to read - he is bored in school because he can read above his level. He reads me bedtime stories.....lol.

{{{{{{{{Heather}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Yes, we are lucky. Geez I could talk about Alex all day - lol. I bought an XBox about 5 months ago because his old computer was so filled with games and he ran out of memory. I upgraded his computer, but now he is on the XBox most of the time doing "missions" - lol. I've been fortunate to be able to work at places where I get a discount on those games, esp since they are so expensive.
I'm selling his old computer and just gave him my Compaq. He was thrilled. At school, we had a few issues last year because in computer class he was into the program files and stuff and I had to tell him to stop it......omg, it was funny.

How old are your boys? Two of them? I always wanted another one so Alex wouldn't be alone, but unless I stayed home and raised the new one, I couldn't have one. Since my husband doesn't work, that isn't exactly possible.

Thanks for sharing info with me...........I look forward to seeing that pic.

Mary Alice

I am such a screw-up........I send my T an email and tell him that our meeting upset me and why........then I realize the foolishness of what I typed. So what do I do? Try to "unsend" it - only it is too late, I can't do that with certain kinds of internet email.

I need a keeper - someone who will tape my fingers together so I don't type. Either that or someone take away the shovel so I stop burying myself...........

I really think that you will be glad that you communicated with him about how you were feeling, (((((Mary Alice)))))! I know it's hard, but try not to think & re-think it too much = let's see what he writes back = can't do anything about it til then, and you know that he only has your best interests at heart, so you won't get anything negative out of the exchange, only positive. XOXO!

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}

LOL I am the same as you....start me talking about my boys and I won't stop .

Timmy is almost 8 too (he is 8 in November). William turned 2 in April. Tell Alex that my birthday is Christmas Day too .

Timmy goes to private school as he is so advanced for his age too. He is in grade 3 (I am in Nova Scotia) and reads at the grade 5 level. If he was in public school - his age and birthdate would have him in grade 2. He has been reading since he was 3....smart little boy too.....he loves all subjects and is a sports nut too . I love his school as they go at the child's level....the teacher /student ratio is so low...there are 6 students in his class and 2 teachers. It is wonderful for him. William is smart as well .....bragging here .... it is scary how much they know though isn't it?

I am so blessed with both of them as I suffer with polycystic ovarian syndrome and was unable to have children. Timmy was conceived using fertility treatments and William was my surprise miracle. I found out I was pregnant with him when I was 33 weeks pregnant! ......long story lol. Is it any wonder I suffer with anxiety eh?

Alex sounds like a sweetie. I am so happy for you I will pm you with my email address as I was going to put their pic on here and then my usual nervousness kicked in of having their pics on the net....is that ok?

Hope you are having a great day...give Alex an extra hug for us.

Hugs
Heather

<font color=blue>The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way </font color=blue>

{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}

Good for you...don't think of yourself as a screw up. You needed to tell him how you felt and that is wonderful for you. I am proud of you for taking that step. You will look back and realize that it was the best thing for you to do.

Take care
Hugs
Heather

<font color=blue>The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way </font color=blue>

If I may, I'd like to go off subject one moment....this is another of many instances I've seen the need for a place we can all safely and privately and securelyaccess....I was speaking to kvin the other day abotu it too...I have a website that is very secure and I have complete and sole control of it and its pages. Several of us have wanted to share pictures or have a place to upload them. I too whenreading this psot automatically wanted to jump right up and "share" the loves of mylife(my children) then came to a screechign halt whenI realized once again Ive felt so close to everyone here and "safe" I almost forget its still the internet. It will take me about a week to set up with the safe guards it will deserve...but please let me know if this is of any interest. It will be one page Ive added to my site....with a login and password we will only know....I will give everyoen access to this one page only here. I still am trying to reassure myself about wanting to trust each and every person here and new ones that join. Its a nice thought to have a place to post our pics only for our "family" here and be able to share the things and I life that make it worth it and make us smile(like our family...our pets...even our gardens or artworks...anything) Different albums(Directories) could be made so you could chose where to put things or what you personally want to see and we each would have our own folder. Id appreciate feedback on this if possible? Any suggestions to a screenign proccess?....or a minimum requirement of time as a memeber here? Im not sure....suggestions wouldbe greatly appreciated....or even just a Nay or Ya vote whethere I should bother at all.
whatcha think>? Please start a new post for this.....liek I jsut realized I should have(Gawd sometimes I dont think)
Mary Alice n Heather forgive my rudeness....Ive enjoyerd watching your replies to each other and seeing the "glow" across the lines when you each speak of your children.....I feel the same about mine...but also very protective and there is much pain for me where they are concerned.....keep smiling proud Mommies !!! You so deserve it
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"Open the doors and windows and let your heart breathe" (thank you k )

Mary Alice,
Ok, you have told me many times that you appreciate me being straight forward and honest so I will be just that.
I am glad you sent an email to your T even if you feel dumb now doing it. If you were honest with how you felt then there is no reason to feel anything but good for reaching out.
I see in you someone who wants to live. I read your posts about your son and I KNOW that you are not willing to give what you have with him up nor are you willing to leave him to go thru life without you. You talked about your stay in the hospital and how hard it was on both of you. How much he depends on you being there and how much he means to you.
I also have read in your posts that you don't want to open up, you want help but you won't let anyone in. You want it, you want to get better. You want life to be good. You want your T to help you and you know he can. He has the understanding, the knowledge and the heart. You can't blame him for giving up. You have to want it bad enough to put yourself out there. It's hard to offer someone love, support, compassion and understanding when you KNOW it will come back as a slap in your face. There are so many others hurting out there and him being a professional with a heart, would be better off spending his time on a person who is willing to work WITH him to heal rather than against. No one, not me and I am sure not your T expects you to throw everything out on the table at one time. It takes commitment and it takes guts. It hurts. Some days you will go home and feel like crap. Some days you will feel just a little better. It takes time. It took alot of years and alot of hurts to get you where you are today. You have to make the first step. You have a safe caring environment with your T to do that. Please don't waste it. You have a chance to get better and make life better. Please dont throw it away. You have a chance to show your son how strong a woman can be and how life can be dealt with and you can win. Give you and him that chance.
"I wanted so much to jump up and down and say HELP ME PLEASE but I can't."
Why? Why can't you?
"I want to go there and tell him to stop me, to change my meds, to DO SOMETHING because he is the only one who can - but those words will never come out of my mouth."
YES THEY CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"if he is giving up, that simply reinforces my own sense of worthlessness."
He is not giving up because you are worthless. He is giving up because you wont let him help you. What choice have you given him?
You have two options. You can go on witht he rest of your life the way it is and deal with it until you can't take it and then end your life according to plan, leaving your son to suffer or you can tell your T what you really want and start the process of getting better.
I know this may sound harsh and pushy and whatever but I want you to get help so badly. A week ago I spent an entire day sick with anxiety because I didn't know if you had killed yourself. I don't want to ever have a day like that again and I don't want you to either.
There is help for you Mary Alice. Even if you dont feel worthy of it. You believed everyone else when they told you that you were worthless. Why is it you can't beleive anyone who tells you that you are not?
You are worth alot to us here, to your son and also to your T. Believe it!!
It's on you to make the first step. You want to. You won't have to do it alone. You have us here and your T to go thru it with you. You just have to decide.
Heidu

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley

Serenity, you know what I think. A safe place to share pictures and ??? is a great idea. You are wonderful to tackle this project.

Hope today is going well for you...I've been spending some time with the site trying to put all safeguards in place...theres a new post in General under topic,my name....

<font color=red>Serenity</font color=red>

"Open the doors and windows and let your heart breathe" (thank you k )

:* Peanut............he responded this morning. Said that he has "NOT" given up on me at all and wants to know what has caused this misunderstanding between us......he wants to, of course, discuss it.

He threw the life line out to me, yet again. The ball is in my court now I guess.

THink I like this guy he's a smart cookie ok we all want his email....where do we send the thank you cards for taking such good care of you...and you

<font color=red>Serenity</font color=red>
Its_Jennifer_@hotmail.com

"Open the doors and windows and let your heart breathe" (thank you k )

oxoxxoxo Heather I am so glad that you have the boys - Alex is in private school as well. That sounds so nice, individual time with teachers. Alex has about 25 in his class this year again.

So, you are also God's blessing?? {{{{{{{Heather}}}}}}}}} The greatest gift I got was my son.

I sent you an email with my mine as well. Please write.

Mary Alice

Jennifer, I think it is a great idea.......everyone could really get to know each other and their kids. ^5 to you for doing this.

thank you.

It's ok Heidu.......I've been waiting for this. As I have typed replies those little voices in my head have always said exactly what you have brought up here.

The only time I have to find out who and what I am is either here or in my T's office............anywhere else and I have to be doing something for someone - regardless of who it is. I am tired of simply being looked at as a means to an end - picked up when needed, ignored when not. Everyone in my real life (not counting my son) has done this to me - they don't see a person with thoughts, feelings, etc.....they see someone who can do something for them or fix something. This is my firm conviction of not being worth anything unless things are going well, I work myself to death and achieve, I'm supporting my family, etc.

My T wants nothing from me, same as here. I go there and talk because he just wants to know how I am.........nothing else. Whenever I have needed anything from someone, they usually end of hurting me somehow and I end up without what I needed......even if it is a hug. Like with my husband......if I want a simple backrub because I hurt, or a hug it automatically leads to him pushing me for sex and ignoring my refusals. Thus I try to stay away from him at all times - I get tired of being forced just for a hug.

I agree, my T deserves more..........I am as open and honest with him as I can.....but asking for "help" directly I can not do - the words simply don't come out. I am expecting too much from him, I know that. He can't "save" me unless I let him - but that small part inside will let him if I can allow him to get down that far. I am trying to, really.

You are not harsh or pushy..........you've spoken bluntly and I'm glad - ty. I don't want to hurt you or have you worry about me - that has never been my intention, as you know.

I appreciate you and everyone else here for making it possible for me to be "me" as much as I am.

yes...."Safely"

<font color=red>Serenity</font color=red>
Its_Jennifer_@hotmail.com

"Open the doors and windows and let your heart breathe" (thank you k )

Dear Mary Alice,

If it's any encouragement, I've been on Neurontin before, and the sleepiness often gets better with time. I don't know how long you've been on it, but many patients find that the drowsiness gets better as the weeks go by. I know that's only one small part of the problem right now, but I thought I'd share that with you. I had a lot of drowsiness with it at first, but it got better for me. I don't know how it is helping with your pain, but Neurontin can be very successful in treating nerve-related pain, and if it isn't working for you, there are other anti-seizure meds which may work instead, so don't give up hope on that score.

Take care,
ErinBear

{{{{{{{{{{Erin}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} how nice to see you again.......ty for letting me know. I really have just started taking it and I think with the other meds it really knocks me out at night.

I sincerely hope it works, because the leg is not good. Does it take awhile to get into your system and start working?

Planning

I'm sorry I haven't replied sooner, you've been in my thoughts much these past few days... Your avatar really is beautiful.... sorry to interrupt the thread, hang in there girl

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Nowhere}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} ty for responding - there is no time frame.....I appreciate it immensely.

I am trying with everyone's support. Have a good weekend and holiday.

Hi Mary Alice,

The Neurontin can indeed take awhile to reach its full effect - it seems to me that it can take a few weeks or more. You can ask your doctor for more information about that. It's been awhile since I was on it so my memory might be a little fuzzy. Also, if you are working up to a complete dose, that will also impact how long it will take to reach the medication's most beneficial effect, although I know some people who've noticed positive effects pretty soon. I think everyone is different. And again, if somehow Neurontin doesn't prove to be helpful for you, please don't give up, because there are other medications in the same group of drugs which may help even if Neurontin doesn't. Still, Neurontin is extremely effective for many people...it's a great medication and I hope it will help you! And I also hope the sleepiness will subside. If that continues, you might want to talk with your doctor about it. There may be a different way to take it - maybe it would help to take it at a different time of day, or to step back on your dose for a short time and work back up to the dose you're at now. Sometimes that helps also.

Hope this helps.

Take care,
ErinBear