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#1
Apr 28, 2005, 07:30 AM
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Well let me say to my hearts content...and straightforward...bcz i have run out of all options... I am a 25 year old student from India. I have been operated twice for my sinus surgery but actually it was major depressive disorder. Unfortunately my family never knew of anything called depression and most of doctors in india also dont believe in depression. I have been receiving treatment from last six months for depression...I have been confined within my room from last 2 years except that i have to go to doctor...Now my depression is not going away...sometimes its anxiety, sometimes severe crying spell, sometimes somatization like disorder; etc etc... I come from a very very middle class family and sitting at home from last 2 years has been too tough for me. The Psychiatrist fees is rs 400 (8$ USA) per visit and i have had numerous sittings with him...My sinus surgery costed me several lakhs rupees...I feel guilty that i am a burden to my family...i dont know why depression had taken me ...why... There is no definite improvement...and unlike USA; in India we have no social security system or healthcare benefits...and my father is old age and cannot work now...my mother is a housewife...i dont know what to do... I have been living with the hope that when i get ok; i will work hard and repay my parents and ensure they get proper care as its my duty as a son. But see what i am a burden...when i go to doctor i cannot go in public transport due to my depression and i cannot afford even a taxi...it hurst me deep within that bcz of me my parents are suffering... Tell me is there any option...how long can i afford to sit up at home and wait for my recovery...the doctor has changed several antidepressants and still there is only marginal relief...i cannot commit suicide bcz then my parents would be totally devastated... they will be broke without me...i know this...bcz whenever i talk about suicide my mother cries....Say me what to do... how do i continue my existence in this world without being a burden to my family... how do i survive in this tough world where everything is money... how do i keep myself calm mentally when i see my parents worries because of me.. how do i carry myself alive even when my depression does not go away.... how do i work hard when i want to work but my body my mind my depression has made me crippled.... how do i pay for costly medicines every day, every week, every month... how do i pay the psychiatrist who is no doubt very good at his medical knowledge but whose fees are beyond my ability to pay... how do i pay my psychiatrist every visit rs 400 when i have earned not a single rupee from last 2 years and my father is not able to work anymore... How do i pass my time every second, every day , every week....when nothing has happened in last 2 years... Am i lazy NO i am not; i want to work hard; i want to be a responsible son; i want to be responsible person; why depression affects those who cannot afford to pay for treatment; for whom even basic necessities of life are met by working hard every month... why the world is so professional... where is GOD and if he is there why he does not help me...i beg him to help me... I can bear my pain...i have no regrets even if i die now...but why my parents have to suffer bcz of me...what wrong have they done...i feel i have done injustice to them by being their child...they deserve better life.... i cry in front of god daily then also why he does not listen........ i know saying all this hardly makes sense...but then to whom to say all this...bcz for those u understand no explnation is necessary and for those who do not understand no explnation will suffice... u know the only thing that pains is that when i look in the face of my father and mother who r waiting each day with an expectation that their son will some day get Ok recover fully from depression and obviously take care of them...they have devoted 25 years of life for me...they have spent all their savings on my education...they want to see me settled...they want me to be a man of my own... it pains when i look at my helplessness; my inability; my willingness but my limitations; it pains deep within...it pains in every drop of blood that passes flows in my body...it pains when i close my eyes...it pains when i open my eyes...it pains when i see sunlight...to me it hardly matters anymore whether i exist or die...bcz existence and death in my case has only one difference and that is of heartbeat throbbing but no emotions; no feelings; only pain.......the dark pain;;the hollowness the emptiness the vastness.... thanks mohit |
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#2
Apr 28, 2005, 08:34 AM
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Mohit, I'm sorry you're hurting so right so.
In our midst, I hope you find some of the answers you seek.
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If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space! Rondeau |
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#3
Apr 28, 2005, 08:42 AM
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mohit, i so feel your pain and guilt as i read you posting.
i pray medications work for you soon, and i'm sending you wishes full of strength and peace. kd
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#4
Apr 28, 2005, 08:57 AM
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Have you heard of Doctor Khrapi Signh (sp), he and his son have a clinic some where in India maybe they could help you more
Angie
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 A good day is when the crap hits the fan and I have time to duck. |
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#5
Apr 28, 2005, 09:16 AM
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I'm sorry you are so deeply hurting.
I see in your writing that you love your parents and that your parents loves you. With all your deep pain, you still have love in your home. That's a positive thing, a very important special feeling. You have also just opened another door to help you out. The door of Psych Central. We are here for you and we are all willing to give you our friendship and support. Maybe we can't do much but we surely do welcome you with open arms. Please keep talking to us! We care! nightdream |
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#6
Apr 28, 2005, 09:28 PM
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Welcome to psychcentral... sorry to hear what brings you this way though.
Keep trying the medicines... one of them might work and it would be worth finding it... (I, however, can't take ANY...) When depressed the only thing we can believe about God is that HE IS GOD... and because He IS, He knows exactly where you are, what you are going through, the tough time you are having... and He also knows that you don't have the capacity to believe or trust or anything right now... Try not to think of tomorrow... do what you can right now... and posting on psychcentral was a good choice. I was debating about posting when I was so depressed myself... that I haven't been... why bother? But I hope the replies to your post help you continue...
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#7
Apr 28, 2005, 09:36 PM
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I feel your pain and am so sorry your going through such a hard time right now. When your feeling like this its hard to see anything good, beleive me I know. Please hold on to your deep strength inside you to make it through this.
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#8
Apr 28, 2005, 09:42 PM
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Mohit, do you have any brothers or sisters that can help with your expenses? It's so important for you to continue to see your psychiatrist and to take your medicines in order to get well. I'm sure your mother and father are worried about you, but they probably don't consider you a burden----just their son, whom they love and who is in great pain.
I will pray for your recovery. |
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#9
Apr 29, 2005, 05:40 AM
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please don't worry about your parent's disappointment. as a daughter, i know that my worries about such things was always wrong. they just love us...i am praying for an answer for you. pat
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#10
Apr 29, 2005, 09:21 AM
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Thank u everyone...for their replies...
"Mohit, do you have any brothers or sisters that can help with your expenses?" yes i have one brother but he himself is a full time student end just earns enough to sustain himself so that he need not ask anything from my father... I am really surprised that inspite of taking all antidepressants for 6 months; I still have tremor (hands and whole body shaking most of times for eg if i hold a paper or pen it will shake due to tremor)... terrible crying spells for at times no reason... terrible body ache... heart racing and fearful no proper sleep...i wonder of a sleep for last 2 years... sometimes not even able to get up from bed... terrible pscyhosomatic symptoms like extreme burning while urination... i have been on so so many antidepressnats like stablon, duzella, domolite, lithosphere; veniz; mirtaz etc etc... Right now i am on venlafaxine xr 300 mg and mirtazapine 30 mg.... and the doctor insists that i continue taking this two every night daily.... there are numerous other symptoms as well like headcahes;backaches; horrible dreams; dizziness; anger; suicidal urges........and the list probably is endless... wonder willl i be able to be "normal" again so that i can be able to sustain economically myself bcz to do a job i must be somewhat similar to a normal person and have less of symtopms above.. i dont know whether life is clsoing door for me at 25 and whether its enough that i have lived in this world... |
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#11
Apr 29, 2005, 03:03 PM
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First of all...everything is not money...there ARE therapists who will work with you......call a crisis hotline...and PLEASE...hang in there....ok? you sound like a loving person who deserves a better hand than you've been dealt....please check into a crisis hotline and get help...the rest will fall into place...in the meantime...you're in my prayers grace
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#12
Apr 29, 2005, 04:58 PM
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"......call a crisis hotline...and PLEASE...hang in there...."
I wish there were one true effective working crisis hotline in kolkata India. Inspite of all the tall claims in development; there is truly no single hotline...which actually works... as much as i hate to say this; but things in developing countries are not like what they r in developed countries...i did try to call few hotline numbers but none is functioning...infact nobody picks most of times... the ground reality is very very bad.... thats the truth... plz look at things from not the system which exists in USA but from perspective of countries like India... what else to say |
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#13
Apr 29, 2005, 08:04 PM
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Keep holding on. You are not out of options... you might not see any right now, but there are more out there for you.
How long have you been on the venlafaxine? It is really a good drug for many. If it's been several months, then move up in dose or try another one...again! As for not knowing how long you will live... none of us do. Many of us take one day at a time, gee, sometimes we take one HOUR at a time. It sounds like you are in that state of affairs now. As you read the posts here you will know how much many members suffer physically and psychologically. Often all we have is the other members here. Come back often, and let us know more about you.
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