[Hope4me2]

Where did my post go on Mothers day depressing me go? It was here but anyways I will post it again....
Today it is really bad... I am so DOWN and I hate this weekend....My mom abandoned me when I was 2yrs old and for the last 47 yrs has lived 20 minutes away from me and has wanted NOTHING to do with me....she is NOT someone I want to have anything to do with anyways...I HATE her and the PAIN she caused in my life....but I MISS having a MOM and having her HUG me and HOLD me CLOSE and SMELLING her and HEARING her heart beat...the things a child remembers of their mom....but I do not have those memories at all...NOTHING....I miss not having a mom and mothers day is VERY depressing to me and I HATE it every year....My T is working so hard with me and he knows every year that I have a hard time. It is so nice to have someone relate and understand....Just need some people to understand and relate with right now....
I have grown kids of my own but I have a VERY hard time giving them hugs....it just does not feel right....feels yucky to me...like me trying to eat peas the veggie I have hated all my life...and not vomit....I HATE being this way with my own kids but I was not taught to love them so that is all I know....and being angry at my mom I took my anger out on them by abusing them. My kids and I talk and my family (not my mom) have been and some still are in therapy working on our issues...but still very HARD to get close to each other and say how we feel....mothers day we go through the motions but that is about it... I HATE that my kids give me cards with stuff written in it and some mothers would cry but me.... I DO NOT cry...it does not effect me in any way....I feel DEAD inside...emotionally DEAD...
I just want to go to sleep and never wake up...I HATE my life....I wish I was not alive..... My family deserves better so much better then me

[silver_queen]

Hey - I'm sorry that it's upsetting you ((((((((((( Hope )))))))))))). Actually, there was a problem with the server and a whole week's worth of posts have been accidently deleted, and I imagine your thread was among them. Doc John wrote a post about it here explaining. You can always resubmit your question, if you liked.

[oksomaybeimnuts]

((((((((((((Hope))))))))))) i understand- i posted a lenghty one about my feelings having to do with Mother's Day and it got lost too. i posted mine kind of late so i don't know if anyone responded or not. i guess you could always repost what you had to say if you wanted to. i did read yours and i empathize with your feelings. i didn't get a chance to post to yours either- thought i would do that today hang in there - i know things will get better.

girl...did you know that the server went down and we lost many, many, many posts? when i got up this morning, it was screwed up. DocJohn fixed it, but we literally lost a lot of recent posts....i'm sorry......xoxo pat

[Hope4me2]

thanks everyone for updating me...I changed my post so you can go back and re read it ... I guess you can say i was out of the loop and felt singled out and picked on...and I took it personally....that is the BPD in me.....so sorry for rambling on like I did....just very sensitive and having a rough time right now with being depressed over this DUMB mothers day.....
Thanks again and {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

[dovemt]

Everyone needs a mom. Moms in the perfect sense, in a perfect world are always there for us and teach us how to mother our own children. When we don't get that, we don't know what to do with our own kids. Its so freaking painful. My mom was a basket case when I was young, amazing she didn't accidentally leave me someplace, she was so spaced out with her depression. I am a great believer that family does not have to be biological. I have found several substitute moms who found me to be a delightful addition to their family. This is where I started to learn how to love and hug my children. I get my hugs from women who have enough love in their heart for another "child" and who teach by example. I forgave my mom for her inadequacies and in the process, I discovered what an awesome mother I am. Think of Mother's Day as one of those Hallmark days where businesses bring in big bucks. It has nothing to do with the real world. Truth of the matter is that it dosen't matter who becomes your mom, only that you realize you need one. Believe me, if you are open to finding a mentor-mom, you may be pleasantly surprised at how much love you have in your heart.

[(JD)]

yes losing your thoughts is one thing, losing your whole post is a bigger thing! I read the other post ... and responded... now, Today is the day... I simply MUST get off this computer and call my mom to see if she wants to go out to lunch... it really is a good thing... I'm just not up to it either... (((hugs))))