I can not do what I should be able to do for my parents

I feel that I I feel that I can not do what I should be able to do for my parents. I know that physically and emotionally I am not up to spending a lot of time with my parents. Emotionally I am struggling to keep my head above water. I feel inadequate to deal with my father's cancer. I want to be able to allow my parents to lean on me. My sisters I think expect me to be the person who they can depend on to be there for my parents to lean on. Because I am not that person, I feel guilt and shame. That is the root of my need to burn. Also, I spend most of my time alone except for contact with my parents, T, and pdoc. I am losing one of those contacts. I feel more alone thus more depressed. The rain outside is not helping either. I want scream yell and burn.

Where does this "should"come from?

Is it your own expectations for yourself?
Those of your family?

"Should" is a word you need to be careful of.
Is it WRONG that you're not the person your sister wants you to be? As a sister I would always love me sister as who she is even if she's not who I'd want her to be. I don't think it's wrong that you're your own person, and that you're sick with depression right now. It's OK to be who you are, with your own personal limitations.

I think you might need to re-define your perception of "should"


Many hugs to you, I know you're going through a lot

Hi Lea,
I want to lend you some compassion. My Mother-in-law is terminally ill and severly handicapped. My father-in-law has chronic TIAs (strokes) and severe mental illness. My husband and I are left entirely responsible for them and their well being. I truly relate to the pressure. Last year my mother in law had to go into a nursing home permanently and I had to single handedly figure out a way to fund the $5000 a month cost, because they had no money and we didn't have that kind of money. It was a year of fighting with medicaid and other agencies trying to get her covered to get the care she needs.

Anyway I totally relate. It can feel overwhelming to feel responsible for our parents. But in my experience it worked out. The main thing for me was to have acceptance that I really didn't have any control over the situation. And that I could only do my best. I had to accept that I might not be able to help them. Sometimes just "suiting up and showing up" for life was all I could do. And that was enough. I realized I didn't have to be a super hero and that just being myself and having compassion for my inlaws was enough. Also, for me, reaching out to get support was really helpful. Because I too felt alone.
Best wishes

Wise words!

Leacon, you are facing a nightmare situation, and that for normal folks. The professionals themselves are "inadequate to deal with [your] father's cancer." You can only do what you can do with the emotional reserves you have no matter what anyone hopes or expects.

You know you're facing a long struggle. Do your best to look after yourself first in order to muster and preserve the emotional reserves you'll need.

Keeping you and family in my best thoughts

(((leacon))) I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Honey, no one is prepared to deal with severe illness. NO matter how old you are or who you are, something like this will bring you right to your knees and make you return to a five year old wanting mom/dad to fix this. Anyone that appears to deal with this any better is just really good at putting on a facade.

We are very often our own worst critic. Rarely do other people expect of us as much as they think they do. All you can do at this point is love them them the best way you can. There is no "wrong" thing in this situation. We all deal with things differently. Those amazing people that seem to be able to cope with everything, do all the right things and have it all together, when they're alone, they're feeling exactly the same thing you are.

If your family appears to be lashing out, please don't take it personally, it's just their way of coping.

I'm very sorry it turned out that your Father has cancer. When a parent becomes very ill, it puts alot of pressure on families. I find it can bring out the worst or the best on family members. Right now you're in the early stages of dealing with his illness. You're probably still in shock and still haven't fully absorbed the news. I remember when my mother suffered a series of strokes and she lived for 7yrs very disabled - I had a very difficult time feeling depressed. I actually went through a mourning period. I mourned the loss of the strong woman she used to be.
There's no doubt this is going to be very difficult. I don't think you should pressure yourself too much but you should find out where you can be an asset to your Father. It might be as simple as spending time with him. Try to ban together as a family where the burden isn't placed on one person - instead everyone shares equally. I wish you all the strength in this difficult time.

(((((leacon)))) I think they covered it all in the other posts. Just want to sit with you a bit. That OK?

(((((((((((leacon))))))))))

Just do your best to be there for them, and do your best to take care of yourself. Don't forget you are ill too. And it is a legitimate illness that needs care and puts limits on what you are able to do.

Thinking of you and your family