[Shangrala]

I'm just looking for an answer. Hoping it will come.

Lived a while already....and I'm tired. Sure, I'm not THAT old...yet, but, tired, nonetheless.
I've made well over my share of mistakes & karma saw to it that most dues have been paid. Still, I suppose collections for some of those dues have not made it back to me, yet. But, Karma will see to that with the dedicated attendance as does the IRS to the penny. Never overlooking one debt owed...certain to catch up.
Meanwhile, I try to not add to my over-exceeded credit line in life, but to no avail. And, why is that? Despite my conscious efforts, I am struggling to NOT make more mistakes, but they just....."happen".
I'm too old for this. I should know better. Yet, time and again.....ehhh!
And silently in my head, way deep down, I can hear mom telling me how she knew I'd fail, again.

Yeah, I know.....I'm not a failure. Yes. I've heard that things will improve with time. LOL. Even I'M one for saying that to others. Funny how, I cannot follow my own advice, which I admit, I'm great for giving. Sure, I have deep insight and understanding. Yeah, I'm a good person. Do my utmost best to support, care, give, encourage and even amuse...How I love to amuse, when I can....Hell, even when I can't, I resort to humor....distracts me from the inner sorrow, I guess. Huh, sorrow....And what of it? Seems to be so much of it anymore, that should expect it. But, ehh....it's k.

So, tell me...What IS the point? What's the difference between sever fatigue, anger or depression? More importantly, how can I even tell em all apart?
I am not an angry person, yet....I find myself not even giving a rodent's rump anymore if there IS a difference....if there IS a point.
I don't lash out. I don't get angry. I don't snap. Yet, I feel this rage within me, that's not only new, but confusing.
Tired? Hell YES! Yet, I find myself periodically bouncy, eager, spirited, cheerful....and humorous.
Sad? You bet. The sense of failure is so much a part of everything, that I talk myself out of trying because I naturally assume I won't succeed anyway.
.......(Just ONCE, tho....sure would be nice if.....I could feel that sense of reaching something ....you know?)

I thought this move would provide me hope. I thought this change would deliver me a new beginning. There is one thing that holds so true.....
"You take yourself with you no matter where you go", therefore, I guess, the same goes for the troubles, as well....lol.

It must be an old wives tale that....our older years are "supposed" to provide us a sense of easement. What a joke. Well....I guess I can't know that for certain just because it hasn't happened for ME. God bless those for whom it has, though...you lucky peeps. I so envy you.

Defeated at 51. I'm tired. Funny how....I have this urge to go home, but no home to go to....lol.
Despite my efforts, I just can't seem to succeed.
Sigh.
Yet, as I sit here, in my depressive state of mind, looking at my fingers, making certain they hit the proper keys, I can hear in the distance my daughter's giggles of enjoyment as she's having her fun with her friends online.
Reality check time.
I know I can't give up, even though it sure seems the way. My daughter is my reason. So, once again, back to my facade for another few day's run..until the next time I think......
Point Is?

I wasn't certain just where to put this thread. My apologies for misplacement.
Thanks for tolerating my randomness.

Shangrala

[Naturefreak]

Dear Shangrala. You are not defeated . You are just down and having trouble staying up. Your daughter is a blessing. She pulls you up out of the darkness and makes you realize how important you are to her . Be good to both of you . She is the Point . 51 is just a number . I feel the same at 46 . You got 5 years on me . Never give up .

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((Shangrala)))))))))))))))))))))))

Sending you lots of hugs
Keep trying hun and be very kind to yourself in your time of need

[Michah]

Sweet, you have just summed up in your own words, a feeling that skims on the outskirts of my own consciousness.......if I could tell you HOW much I hear you, would you feel less alone?

For I FEEL what you say in spades.......I can feel it in my stomach.

With you in this wild terrain, dear friend.......we shall walk it together.

Big hugs and much love, babe

Michah

[AAAAA]

My father used to say "no matter where you go, there you are" I didn't fully understand what he was saying until very recently.

When I was younger I would endure the hard times thinking that some time in the future it would get easier; then we'd be wealthier, smarter, happier. Looking back now, I see that there were times we were much wealthier, I just couldn't see it at the time. I now have a new outlook on life.

Each and every day instead of focusing on all of the things that have gone "wrong" I make myself acknowledge the things that have gone right. We have a roof over our head, food on our table and my kids are healthy and happy. It occurred to me that who could ask for anything more?

I do not claim to know your life experiences, I know you've had some recent frustrations with the move, the man that was coming to live with you running into trouble with immigration, and trouble getting paperwork etc. But it sounds like you are your own worst critic, guess what YOU can change this. Your daughter is giggling in the next room, where is the failure in that? I dare you to give me an example of a more important job than raising a happy child. You have a point, now you just need to give your permission to find your joy in it.

[Briester]

There's not much I can add to the great posts already left by others except that I understand and struggle every day with the same thoughts and seemingly always hitting a brick wall way of being. Were it not for my wife and new baby I doubt I'd even be around anymore. But I am and every time I see either of them smile or hear my son laugh with his 2 upper and 2 lower tiny teeth, it makes me realize why I struggle with this blasted depression every single day...I don't want to not see them anymore. I still think they'd might do better off without me, with someone else who's in a more upbeat mood and makes more $$ than I do but I'm still here because I don't want to part from them and I know they'd feel some pain if I "left."

I wish you the best and know you're not alone.

Chris

[Berries]

(((((Shangrala)))))

For me, the point is my mother and my friend. Without them there is no point. And for them, I am the point, or at least part of it.

But I know how easy it is to forget that.

[jerrymichele]

Yeah Mary, "NEVER GIVE UP" What doesn't break us, only makes us stronger.

[Frankz]

"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places."

[Creepurcat]

I love you baby

[Shangrala]

Originally Posted by Creepurcat

I love you baby

I love you too, Kristian

[Creepurcat]

Originally Posted by Shangrala

I love you too, Kristian

I know you do

[Rohag]

Sorry I'm late to the party, Shangrala. In fact, not only am I late, I have far more questions than answers (nothing unusual there...).

Originally Posted by Shangrala

Despite my conscious efforts, I am struggling to NOT make more mistakes, but they just....."happen".
I'm too old for this. I should know better. Yet, time and again.....ehhh!
And silently in my head, way deep down, I can hear mom telling me how she knew I'd fail, again.

Parents don't really go away or die, do they? Or, do they?

These "mistakes" - are they really mistakes, or are they only mistakes viewed from one perspective? Have you ever taken one of these "mistakes" and exhaustively tracked back through it to its root cause or causes? Have these "mistakes" ever produced something good contrary to expectations?

Originally Posted by Shangrala

So, tell me...What IS the point? What's the difference between sever fatigue, anger or depression? More importantly, how can I even tell em all apart?

Totally lost here. I've never succeeded in teasing apart depression, sleep problems, fatigue, and medication side-effects.

Originally Posted by Shangrala

I don't lash out. I don't get angry. I don't snap. Yet, I feel this rage within me, that's not only new, but confusing.

Wild Speculation: Any chance this new, confusing sense of rage is a paradoxical sign of healing or a step toward acceptance???

Originally Posted by Shangrala

Despite my efforts, I just can't seem to succeed.
... My daughter is my reason.
... Point Is?

What does "success" mean to you? Is your idea of success really yours or an implant from others? Does "success" have anything to do with your daughter-in-herself? Could that be the point?

Originally Posted by AAAAA

Your daughter is giggling in the next room, where is the failure in that? I dare you to give me an example of a more important job than raising a happy child.

Hear, hear!

[lonegael]

Rohag has an excelent post. I wish I could express myself as well as she does. I also know that when folks get depressed, they can intellectually buy every argument in the book and still won't really believe anything positive about themselves. It's hard to change those thought patterns. I guess that's why it is so important to remind yourself (and ourselves) over and over again that there are bright spots in our lives, there are important works that we do, and there is a value in our being, even while the rest of us is screaming that self extinction is the only way to end the pain. (((((Shangrala))))) Take very good care of yourself and your daughter. She will never have another father, certainly not one who lives for her and her alone

[Shangrala]

Originally Posted by lonegael

Rohag has an excelent post. I wish I could express myself as well as she does. I also know that when folks get depressed, they can intellectually buy every argument in the book and still won't really believe anything positive about themselves. It's hard to change those thought patterns. I guess that's why it is so important to remind yourself (and ourselves) over and over again that there are bright spots in our lives, there are important works that we do, and there is a value in our being, even while the rest of us is screaming that self extinction is the only way to end the pain. (((((Shangrala))))) Take very good care of yourself and your daughter. She will never have another father, certainly not one who lives for her and her alone

Hi, lonegael.....
I'm not exactly certain what you mean by that quote (in bold), but although she and I are away from her biological father, she does have someone who she already feels VERY close and bonded with AS her dad, and that is Kristian. Granted we are far apart as to date, but the bondings we have established, ALL three of us, has created a new beginning for us all.
Kristian is just as much a part of our new family as anyone can possibly be. It is ONLY distance which separates us at present.
Thank you though, for your reply. I appreciate it.

Shangrala