feeling pathetic

i need to get this out. and i guess i'm writing it here cuz i need some one, anyone to hear, to listen.

i've been holding all this in for the last two months. i usually write, in a journal, song lyrics, anything. just to get it out. but i just haven't. cuz lately i feel like once i open up and start to let it out, it's never going to stop.

today, as i write to be exact, is the first time i've cried in a long time. i don't cry like i used to. i used to cry to easily and often. but people treat you different when u are too sensitive. so i guess i just changed so much in the last little while that instead of letting it out through tears, i just keep holding it in. cause i don't want to be that pathetic little girl anymore. i'm 25 friggin years old now, almost 26.

i'm sick of being treated differently because i suffer from depression. i'm sick of dealing with depression. i'm sick of people changing their opinion of me after they find out or looking down on me for taking medication. judging me.
and i feel like i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. be strong. be happy. well sometimes i just can't. sometimes i just don't want to be. but the second i let myself break down, i feel pathetic.

i feel like, i have a great family, some amazing friends, a nice apartment, a good job, i'm very fortunate. and yet here i am being sad. and miserable. what right do i have to complain? there are people who have way bigger things to deal with in their lives then not knowing what they want to do for a living or having no direction in life. really? that's it? cry me a friggin river. i have a pretty damn good life.

and it's that guilt that makes it all a vicious cycle and makes the self loathing grow. as far as i have come with my self esteem, it's this that stops me from going further. that feeling of unworthiness. that i have no right to feel the pain i do when i have so much to be thankful for. and so it's for this reason that i truly have no idea where my depression comes from. what sparked it? is it really just as easy as saying "it's genetic", "it's just my brain not functioning properly". is it? or is that just a cop out. a way to not face what is truly there? a reason to not dig deep and reveal the real reasons?

if you don't deal with the **** in your life u can't move on from it and u are doomed to repeat the same pattern. and mine is to rely on some one else for love. an outside source. mostly boys to be exact. i seem to need the validation. to know that some one in the world wants to be with me. this is exactly why i ended my last relationship because i don't want to need some one like that. i want to supply it on my own. and maybe just acknowledging that fact is a big step. but where so i go from there? what more can i do to be okay on my own? when do u know u are there? what if you never get there?

okay pretty sure that is a lot for one thread. will stop my thinking out loud now.

I'm glad you wrote this and got your feelings out. Often times it makes it so much easier to deal with. Just know you're not alone in your feelings, even as isolating at they make things seem. I've had similar questions. It's also understandable to want acknowledgment in relationships. We want to think our bf/gf loves and values us. Unfortunately the validation HAS to come from within ourselves and looking outside for it, you'll never find it. It took me a long time and lots of pain to realize that.

Try to do things on your own that you find some enjoyment in. You could also join some like-minded club or do some volunteer work, whatever brings you some satisfaction.

I'm sorry I don't have many more words of advice or comfort for you except to say that you have strength. I can see it even in what you write. You must utilize your own internal strength to get you through this initial being alone stage so you are happy with yourself, then when the right person does enter your life, you'll be on equal footing.

I wish you well and hope your heart feels a little happy..


Chris

(((LMS)))) thanks for the post. I can echo your feelings. I think that is a big reason why I have driven myself so hard to finish a degree and start working; I didn't want to be the poor little charity case that every one keeps "out of the loop" because it's all too much for my poor little self.
That said, remember, yeah, there are people who live in physical misery etc, but that is THEIR life and has no bearing on whether or not YOU have a right to be hurting in YOUR life. They would have no right to be saying that they should not feel badly about being hungry because you live in emotional purgatory. Your life has it's limits, pains, struggles and joys that YOU have to meet and deal with. No one else can, and no one has the right to say that your troubles are not really troubles. They don't walk in your shoes, see through your eyes, or feel your emotions. It's alright for you to have a hard time. Don't make it worse by feeling guilty over something that you didn't do wrongI hope I don't come across like a bossy old cat. I reall hope that you can make your way and above all, cry the way you want to and that's good for you. Take care of yourself, and keep wring your lyrics and journals when you can.

Hi, LittleMissSunshine!
Over the past decade the idea of "the highly sensitive person" has gained some popularity, and caused some controversy. I cannot know if it applies to you, but you might take a look at this Wikipedia article (particularly the sources) as a starting point if this type of self-analysis appeals to you.
Here's where I work on a strict need-to-know basis.
Whether you drink from a mug or a teacup, if it breaks, it scalds.

I'm glad you have and can recognize your life is good. Lives are always multifaceted, though, and depression is part of your life. Your pain is real, and pain tolerance is highly individual. An oft-used analogy is that of physical ailments involving chronic pain. Or, would you dismiss the disability of a paraplegic because there are tetraplegics?
How true and sad. I've found no escape from this cycle but to ignore it (which is relatively easy to do when you're as scatterbrained as I).
Yearning for love and companionship is nearly universal. May you succeed both in growing comfortable with yourself and accepting your desire to have others in your life.

Hang in there and good work in getting in touch with your feelings! Sending good thoughts your way!

(((((((((((((((((Little Miss Sunshine)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm feeling a similar way at the moment. Things can change though, things can get better.

depression sucks. and I'm sorry we have to deal with it

wow. all of you, thank you so much. it's funny cuz i wrote just how i was feeling while i was breaking down and felt like it was an isolated very personal thing, and to hear how others are feeling the same just releases my heart a little bit from the cage i keep it in.

i have more i need to share. this week has been a real toughy. but alas, duty calls and i don't have time to write at the moment, gotta get to work. but wanted to atleast let you all know how i appreciate your comments and words of wisdom. <3

I hope you have a better week this week my friend. Let me know if I can do anything to help or if you just want a sounding board.

so i have been ****ed up the last 2 nights in a row. i don't like drinking anymore. i know there's so invisible line that as soon as i cross it i'm just ridiculous.
i don't usually smoke up, although weed is the only illegal drug i've tried, that often either.
last night i was drunk, tonight i'm ****in high. it's so weird. i feel like such a different person. i feel like right now i am the person i've always tried to avoid being. even the fact that i smoke cigarrettes. what the eff? i never used to or want to. for the first 24 of my 25years alive. why the eff am i suddenly smoking and having trouble quitting?
it's likei'm a reflection in the mirror. the exact opposite of what i was trying to achieve. it's messed. and confusing. and god i wish i could just stop caring.