[Elysium]

How does one learn to like themselves when they HATE themselves so much?

I need to learn to like myself. If I liked myself, I could do better things for myself and actually begin to live. I just don't know how to like myself because I don't. So how does one MAKE themselves like themself? Because I've been alive for so long and through so much and I really wish I could get away from me...but I can't.

The strange thing is....if I think of who I am now....just me alone...I hate everything about me. But when I think of my alters....I care about them and I don't hate them. But they are supposed to be me . So how can I love my alters (who are supposed to be me) and hate myself so much?

I'm really confused...and I'm not sure I want to grow old and grey feeling this way.....

[lonegael]

Could it be that because your "alters" are somewhat indendent of you, you can distance yourself enough from them to be more accepting of their faults and more acknowledging af their gifts? When I get depressed I assume I can hate myself because I "know myself" so well, when actually my mind is blocked from seeing the positive in myself. If you don't have that much access to the alters' experiences, it's easier to be forgiving (You don't "really know" why they feel as they do) and easier to see their good points as an intregral part of them.
Are they you? Oh yeah, and you are them and you all developed to help each other survive. How do they feel about you?
I for one think that what you all have is a gift that very few others have, but I realize that you feel depressed partly, if not mainly, because of what made using this gift necessary. What ever this was, never let its echoes convince you that you should hate yourself, Elysium. is there something particular that bugs you? Or is it just a general feeling?

[Rohag]

Hi, Elysium!

Originally Posted by Elysium3006

How does one learn to like themselves when they HATE themselves so much?

I need to learn to like myself. If I liked myself, I could do better things for myself and actually begin to live. I just don't know how to like myself because I don't. So how does one MAKE themselves like themself?

Personal Take That May Not Be Applicable To Anyone Else: I have never learned to like myself. I have not found attempting to like myself a profitable investment of my psychic energies. Rather, I try to live without reference to either loving or hating myself. Apathy and chronic capriciousness help a lot in this endeavor. I attempt to mobilize what energies and focus I have in pursuing interests (disjointedly if at all) and daily activities (disjointedly). "Focus out."

Pleased to meet you, Elysium. You have chosen an interesting moniker, one that means: a place or condition of ideal happiness, or, in Greek mythology, the abode of the blessed after death.

Aside from the irony, the moniker you choose tells me you are a curious and clever person. The quote at the end of your post tells me you have a sense of humor. Most people who are curious and clever with a sense of humor would not be so down on themselves.

Perhaps your inventory of yourself needs to be revised to include more of the good qualities you have? You may need even more light to focus on what is good and lovable about you?

Peace be with you and good luck.

[JudeeB]

I was filled with self hatred for decades. Now I do like myself. I can see my strengths and weaknesses and know I am only human and don't have to be perfect.
How did I get there?
I spent years in therapy and 12 step programs and finally I began to see how many of the things I believed about myself (all negative) weren't at all true! I had spent years believing outright lies.

I was sure I was unloveable. The truth was I came from a family that didn't know how to show love or be nurturing. I have discovered people who do love me, just the way I am. So I am loveable.

I was convinced I was damaged beyond repair. Well, after years of hard work in therapy and my groups I could see I was changing and growing emotionally. I was getting healthier. So that proved I could heal from the old wounds of childhood.

I could go on and on. What I wonder is what LIES about yourself you are believing? As long you accept them as truth how can you love yourself? I couldn't have done that work all by myself. I needed others to walk by my side. It's a twenty year journey and counting.

My prayer is that you start to examine your beliefs and and ask, are these really the truth? Awareness is the first step in the journey to self acceptance and self-love.

Take what ya like and leave the rest.
Just my experiences,
Judy

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Elysium3006))))

Thank you for posting and asking such a good question. I think for a moment about that question and I have to say that that is something I struggle with everyday. Sometimes I can start to like myself but then something creeps back in and I find myself once again trying to find those reasons.

I too understand what you are saying about the ones within. I do feel for them and care for them (or most anyways that I know of at this time). I know that they took for me what I could not and therefore I feel for them. Many times I feel responsible for their hurt because if I only was able to do for me what was needed they would have never came to be and been hurt. I do not know if that makes any sense or not.

I sometimes can see and understand that it was not my fault what happened when I was a child. When I can connect to that truth, I find that I can feel some compassion for myself. BUt then doubts filter through that if only I would have been better then they would not have had to hurt me.

It is sometimes a viscious cycle and I get caught in a vortex where I cannot get out. But if I can look at the truth and accept that I am not those that hurt me and I am not someone that does those things, sometimes even for a moment I can see that I am okay.

I try really hard to give of myself and I am an honest person. Those that hurt me were not in any way honest nor did they try to give of themselves. I know that you give of yourself and that you are honest. Therefore we both are not like those we grew up with.

Taking one day at a time and realizing that I am a good person with good thoughts and caring helps me to like myself even for the moment. If I can put several moments together then I can like myself for awhile. It is not easy, but possible.

I try to think about those I care about and love. I have heard it said that you cannot really care and love others if you do not love yourself. I want to love and care about others so I want to not hate myself. I do not know if I agree with that statement, for I really do care about others and will put others before myself everytime.

I always make the comment that this world would be a better place without me here. Maybe it would but then I could not care about others if I was gone. I used to feel that I caused others to hurt just because they knew me. But I do not believe that now or at least I try not to.

I think because of how we were raised and the blame that was thrown at us at such an early age when things did not make sense has something to do with it. Many times I was told it was because of me I have to do this. We learn not to like ourselves.

I was never loved and love was not something we were allowed to show. Being loved was to be special and I did not want to be special. I have often said that I am unlovable, yet I know there are those that say they love me. It is something scary to me yet something I have always longed for.

To love one's self is to accept one's self as we are. Something that is hard to do but you can do it. Our others within are us. Their ability to be who they are is us through them. They hold those parts of us that we could not be. They are innocent, true, honest, caring, playful, emotional, children, hurt,-------you. They all make up you. And you are a good person.

Give yourself time dear. Remember this did not happen over night and it takes time to find ourselves sometimes for the first time. But we are there among the selves. And we are worth finding.

We think you are special and worth liking. Hang in there and you will find yourself. And you will like what you find----just as we like and care about you. Sending you many gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[lonegael]

DPS, what a wonderful post! Said what i wanted so much betterthan i could.

[Pomegranate]

((((((Elysuim))))) My experience with learning to like and accept myself is very close to what JudeeB related. Only I did it more in isolation. I was a voracious reader of self help books.

[turquoisesea]

Maybe what would help is making a list of why you hate yourself. When you do this make sure you're grounded and if you start distancing away, then stop and use grounding or something to keep you ok.

Only do this if you're safe to do this now.

Someone here said maybe you can love your alters because there's a distance between you and them. It's so much easier to love others than ourselves sometimes. I'm sure your alters make mistakes too... my friends make mistakes and hurt me sometimes but I still love them. Yet somehow with me one mistake and BANG I hate myself.

If you can write out a concrete list of feelings of hatred, maybe you can either write down "need to forgive - this is acceptable"... or "need to change, I REALLY don't like this" and then work on changing it.

Also maybe start on a list of POSITIVES. We often overlook the most simple achievements. Did you wake up this morning, did you shower, did you eat, did you TRY... these are important things too. The good list will need to be built on, it might be short at first but you can add things to it. And the more you try to work on the list the more you'll be looking for good things... this is so important to all of us.

loads of hugs, I dunno fi this would help you

[justfloating]

((((((((((Elysium))))))))))


I don't really have any answers on that one. I'm still trying to figure out how to like myself, too. I guess the best thing we can do is try to accept ourselves as we are, and understand that we are not what our automatic thoughts suggest, no matter how persistent they are. For what it's worth, I think you're a kind, compassionate, understanding person and I'm glad that you're here.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by justfloating

...we are not what our automatic thoughts suggest, no matter how persistent they are.

Thanks, Justfloating! This is worth repeating.

[nowheretorun]

Originally Posted by Elysium3006

How does one learn to like themselves when they HATE themselves so much?

I need to learn to like myself. If I liked myself, I could do better things for myself and actually begin to live. I just don't know how to like myself because I don't. So how does one MAKE themselves like themself? Because I've been alive for so long and through so much and I really wish I could get away from me...but I can't.

The strange thing is....if I think of who I am now....just me alone...I hate everything about me. But when I think of my alters....I care about them and I don't hate them. But they are supposed to be me . So how can I love my alters (who are supposed to be me) and hate myself so much?

I'm really confused...and I'm not sure I want to grow old and grey feeling this way.....

i dont know if it helps any to say that we like you Elysium.. i dont know if its possible that we are able to see traits and qualities about you that somehow are being blocked in your own self vision... for example, your integrity is especially a positive quality about yourself, how you defend truth and kindness (at least thats how i see it) and avoid allowing the painful feelings your'e having from being placed onto someone or something not at the root cause of those feelings... i like how you protect us and help us understand any of those same feelings we might be experiencing ourselves without the usual amount of guilting and blaming ive seen before from some and have experienced myself

sending positive vibes to you always and ty for being who you are now and for the person you are working on becoming.. someone said once to me that it just gets better and better... i finding that to be true even tho it can be confusing and painful some days..