Bleak

I feel totally void of all good feelings. I am not in agonizing pain. It’s kind of a numb + pain feeling.

I want to be better. Not feel better, but be better. A better person. I hate the one I am now.
I need to contribute, produce…as I once did and now don’t.
I was approved to be a mentor in a mentoring program, but told them to hold off a bit (for treatment scheduling reasons) and now I am ready to go forward & they aren’t returning my calls. Have I burned a bridge? Maybe the only bridge between emotional death and life?
Bleak. That is how I feel. Bleak.

Berries It sort of sounds like you may (unconciously?) ambivalent about these things you want to do, like being in the mentoring program. I would do things like sign up to volunteer - I really wanted to do it. But I never felt sure enough of myself, or simply became frightened, when it came right down to doing something like that. Then I would beat myself up for "failing again." Perhaps you are in some kind of cycle like this?

I finally ended up not doing anything for a long while. I still don't "do" much outside of being a wife and taking care of my home and 2 dogs. When I really FEEL that I'm ready to take on something - my wants and my feelings are together - then I DO. Mostly I find being around people and most socializing to be very stressful for me, so I simply don't do it. It ends up causing me more harm, emotionally or psychologically, than any good it does me. You, and I, are worthwhile even if we "be" more than "do." But that took me a long time to learn.

Setback: an unfortunate happening that hinders or impedes; something that is thwarting or frustrating.

You have experienced a setback. To equate a setback to emotional death seems to be the product of frustration. A setback is not permanent, unless you choose to stop striving to be the person you want to be.

Self-loathing helps your situation how? Hating takes energy better used to reach your goals. You have a good heart and care a lot. Give yourself a break.

I apologize for being preachy. I wish you luck.

(((((((((((((( Berries )))))))))))))))))))))))

Can you volunteer for another program? Keep trying hun, I know it is hard.

((((((( Berries! )))))))

If that one mentoring bridge is burned, you didn't burn it. Requesting changes to accommodate your medical treatment is entirely reasonable.

It may be the mentoring agency isn't returning your calls because they judge you unreliable due to your illness. It also may be they haven't returned your calls yet because they're a bureaucracy with too few people handling the administration of their services. Other possibilities for the lack of communication exist as well.

Your desire to be of direct, active value to the community reflects highly upon you, Berries. Illness thwarting these desires in no way detracts from your nobility.

Now, if I could only substitute my name for yours in the above paragraph and still mean it, I might feel better myself...

((((((((((((((((((berries))))))))))))))))))))
for me you always a better person

I agree with Rohag. I know it is easy to relate their not answering to what is going on in your life, but it is also likely to be something completely unrelated. I know I can get so anxious that I start the "oh, my God, I have pissed them off" panic way before it is really meritted. Also, I would second and third the advice to apply for other things as well. It's daunting at first, but once you get into it, a lot of the things that are out there that you can do are fun. I really am crossing my fingers for you, Berries. I think you would be a great mentor

(((((((((((((((( Berries ))))))))))))))))

What might work best for you is to find a volunteer opportunity where you can just "drop in" on those days when you are feeling up to it - like helping out at a food bank or something like that.

When you start making realistic plans for your life then you won't have to worry so much about being a disappointment to yourself.

((((((((((Berries)))))))))))


Not a lot of words today, but I wanted you to know I'm thinking about you and hoping everything with the mentoring program works itself out. Sending lots of hugs.