[A_Long_ways]

I've had a lot of stuff in my life changing recently, mostly for the bad. I lost my job a few months ago and can't find another one. Losing my job led me to losing my girlfriend because she lost her faith and belief in me because I couldn't find a new one. We were together for two years, which is my longest relationship ever. I just can't get my feelings for her out of my head, I can't push it away. Everytime I close my eyes I see her face. Everywhere I look, there's something that reminds me of her. All I want to do is make things better with her, hold onto the last bastion of joy that I had in my life, but it is seeming out of my grasp. This hole inside me is swallowing up every piece of motivation, hope and desire to live my life that I had been holding on to. I find myself unable to even get out of bed for about an hour while I just sit there, sad, sobbing, remembering everything we shared, all of the good times. It's eating me alive. I've lost 9 pounds since we broke up two weeks ago and I know that isn't healthy but everytime I try to eat I can take a few bites before my stomach feels like it's going to throw it back up.

Everything I used to do to get my mind off things is failing. I write, I read, I listen to music, I play video games, I talk to friends, but it always comes back around to me missing her and feeling bad about myself for not being able to find work. Deep down, I know it's not my fault that I can't find work, it's not totally for lack of trying, though I probably could have done more. At first we bucked the recession, both of us were still working, still had a healthy relationship and talked to eachother as often as possible. She lost her job first, and still hasn't been able to find work either. I feel like since I'm a man she expected me to have an easier time at finding work, like was some sort of recession-proof creature that could stroll into any office and get hired.

I just need some advice on how to get my mind off things, if anyone has anything I haven't already mentioned. I would really love to go see a therapist, but I also like to eat and pay my bills, so I can't afford it at the moment. I've been through breakups before, but nothing like this. We shared everything, we completely understood eachother and now I'm just totally lost because everything I thought was real and true turned out to be partial and an illusion. I kinda just want to erase every memory of her from my mind, I feel that is the only way I will truely ever get over her. I'm just lost, and hurting, and I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. I dunno..

[Ms Lonely]

I'm in the same place. People keep telling me things will get better. You have to try to believe and trust in that. I know it's weak advice, but I'm trying to hang on to that shred of hope. If you want to talk privately you can email me.

[lonegael]

(((((A Long Ways))))) She might have been trying to handle her feelings about herself not finding a job and applying it to you. Women typically have been raised to think of the man as the one who has an OBLIGATION to work. This is often not fair. If she is feeling that her self esteem has taken a blow, then she might be trying to handle it by thinking, "I*M not supposed to fel bad, HE is."
I have a brother in law who for various reasons has been unable to work regular jobs. He does do a lot of work in local politics, and he takes care of his daughter (my niece) while my sister works. Yes, there are stupid people who go around and assume that he is just lazy and sponging off my sister, but when you know where he comes from and what has happened to him, you can understand why finding work is really, very difficult for him. My sister understands this and knows he does what he can.
It might also be that like a lot of people your has an oversimplified view of life; good and bad things happen to us because of what we do, if you really want something, we can get it, and all those hackneyed sayings. Your wife might feel that these things don't apply to her because she knows her own situation, while she can freeling fantasize about how it is for everyone else. Not good, because that means, basically, she had a false view of you and is relating to it, instead of to you. I'm sorry that you are hurting so much because of this. I have a hard time understanding such people, and really, I would have been just aas devastated if I had been in your position. This is a good place to come for support, though. Everyone here has something to give. Keep posting, and don't lose heart

[Rohag]

Hi, A_Long_ways! Let's see:

• lost job
• months of unemployment
• breakup with long-time girlfriend
• intruding thoughts of lost relationship
• extended mourning of lost relationship
• losing weight due to above; nausea
• unable to sustain interest in formerly pleasurable activities
• no resources for professional therapy

Yes, I can see where you might be in some distress...

Originally Posted by A_Long_ways

I just need some advice on how to get my mind off things...

You've come to the right place (there's the relationship forum, too, and you're already familiar with it), but I'm the wrong person. My relationship history differs from yours.

Originally Posted by A_Long_ways

I kinda just want to erase every memory of her from my mind...

Personally, I have never been able to erase memories, particularly painful ones. Time does have a way of submerging memories and limiting their power to evoke emotions, though. Distraction, the cultivation of other interests - especially passionate ones - can hasten the process. I suspect your current ability to do that is somewhat hampered by post-breakup depression.

Mobilizing and focusing your diminished energy for securing employment and working might be your best short-term approach for dealing with your feelings. Work search and working, even volunteer work, may create their own momentum distancing you from the routines/frameworks sustaining the emotional remnants of your broken relationship.

I wish you peace and success beyond what you can presently imagine!

[A_Long_ways]

Thank you everyone for your advice and support. It really helped me a lot to see everything I'm putting up with broken down like that Rohag, thank you very much. It makes it much easier to see where I'm going wrong, and where I can make changes. I know these changes won't be easy, but I don't really have a choice in making them. They must be done in order for me to get out of this before I sink even deeper. I just hope I can find the strength from within to do so. Today was a bit easier after reading these replies, sorry for not responding immediately, I actually had some stuff I had to do today that got me out of the house which I think also kinda helped get my mind off stuff. Sadly, once I was back home the empty feeling came back. I think I just need time, patience and strength. All of your replies are greatly appreciated

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by A_Long_ways

It really helped me a lot to see everything I'm putting up with broken down like that Rohag, thank you very much. It makes it much easier to see where I'm going wrong, and where I can make changes.

Oh dear! I hope you don't see my list (really, an attempt to get my own head around your situation) as any indictment of you or enumeration of "wrong" things. In my opinion, they are merely a-moral elements of your world, things making life difficult. I impute no failure to you for any of them.

How and when you cope with or confront each one of them is up to you. We can provide you with ideas and encouragement. May I NEVER mindlessly post anything implying condemnation!

[A_Long_ways]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Oh dear! I hope you don't see my list (really, an attempt to get my own head around your situation) as any indictment of you or enumeration of "wrong" things. In my opinion, they are merely a-moral elements of your world, things making life difficult. I impute no failure to you for any of them.

How and when you cope with or confront each one of them is up to you. We can provide you with ideas and encouragement. May I NEVER mindlessly post anything implying condemnation!

I did not take it in any way as an attack. It's just made it easier for me to also wrap my head around everything. I was looking at my problems as a huge ball of misery, but breaking it down like that helps me see more clearly. I took no offense whatsoever from it.

[Briester]

I've been in a similar spot before A long ways but it didn't involve the two of us both losing jobs which complicates things even more and especially now during the recession. My case with therapy is similar too because I can't afford that and to pay the mortgage and car insurance, food, and everything for myself, wife, and son.

The one thing is though and I know it's going to sound harsh and I really don't mean for it to, is that if she left you because of the reason you gave then you're really better off without her. Real love and partnership means through thick and thin (as long as both people respect each other and doesn't apply to relationships where one person is abusing the other obviously). I think most (at least Christian)wedding vows still say for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health (I'm Buddhist and my wife is Hindu so we didn't have those per se but it was similar).

Anyway the important thing now is to take care of yourself. You're only responsible for what YOU do and not someone else. Rohag is right in trying to break it into pieces and tackle each by itself.

I hope you can find some peace and get the issues straightened out.

Chris

[A_Long_ways]

One thing after another... Just found out a good friend of mine was diagnosed with lung cancer. I think I have to try to take the focus somewhat off of myself to be there for her right now. She's been there for me many times and.. I don't even know what to say right now, so many mixed feelings.

[lonegael]

((((((A Long Ways)))))) Sometimes there aren't any words to say. Can you take some time to be with her, so that SHE can talk? I think your loving presence is going to mean more to her than anything anyone could say. take care of yourself. Things are just going crappy, ehWill be thinking of you and your friend

[Briester]

Lonegael is right, A Long Ways, just being there so she can share what she wants and she knows she's cared for is a huge gift and the one my mother appreciated the most when she was diagnosed and before she wasn't able to speak any longer. It will also help you I think and the love you give will come back to you as well. It always does.

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I know it's times like these that try us even more than others but just hold tight to yourself and your feelings for your friend and no matter what the outcome, the love will always remain.

Thinking of you both...

Chris

[A_Long_ways]

Thanks everyone.

Still struggling. Hard to really describe how I feel. I kinda feel like I don't even know myself. I dont know my own hopes and dreams, I barely even know what makes me happy. I can't accept my situation. Thinking about the future, I'm really trying to figure out the point of trying anyway. We work so hard, try to impress everyone around us, build up a reputation and what not, then it's all over and you're 6 feet under. I know that's a terrible way to think but it's what my mind is telling me.

Got on the phone for 10 minutes with my ex and we immediately started fighting. I just... I wish I could say I felt numb, but I still just feel pathetic and worthless. I want to get out there and find work but my confidence has taken a severe beating over the past few weeks and I'm starting to automatically cancel out jobs because I think I will fail at them.

Really having trouble putting into words the way I feel, and I think the more I think about all this, the more I beat myself up, the less likely I am to get out there and start making things right.

Feeling very in despair.

[lonegael]

Along way, you may not think you can express your feelings well in words bt you do convey the feeling very well anyway. It sounds like you still have a lot of expectations about how your wife (girlfriend) should be. My guess is that she doesn't want to cooperate in those expectiations whatever they might be. Can you try just not expecting anything from her? About saying "Hmmm, how will this call be? Oh, so that's what's happening. Funny, she went off the stick there. Hmmm."
It is very hard to do. It took me years before I realized my father in law COULD NOT live up to my expectations of how a man his age should behave. When I finally did, I was able to distance myself enough to stop trying to change him and to stop responding to his jibes. It made life much easier.
I suspect that once you feel that you can regain control over some part of yourlife, even a small one, your self confidence will start to recover. It's usually not a catastrophe to fail. It might be worth trying for something you have never done before. If you are honest and you still get picked, then the boss thinks you've got it. rely on that. Good luck, We're pulling for you!

[A_Long_ways]

Thanks Lonegael. I don't really think my expectations are in any way outrageous. I knew her for a long time and thought I knew her as a person. I suppose it was a bit foolish of me, since everyone keeps some secrets to themself, and her reacting this way must have been one of her secrets.

I'm trying to look past it, I'm trying to just focus on myself. I know that there are plenty of other women out there, and when I'm ready again, maybe I'll find one for me. But for now, I think I need to leave any sort of romantic relationship alone and just try to fix and improve myself.

Went on a job interview in NYC today, for an advertising agency. It went ok I guess, but I was honestly pretty intimidated by some of the other people working there and the bravado they put on. This isn't like me, I'm usually the type of person who can see a guy in a suit and tie, gold watch, etc etc and not have the least bit of intimidation by him. I'm the type of guy who has more respect for a person who's not wearing the fanciest clothes, not making hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, but is living an honest life. Today I felt like some of the things that she has said to me over the past few weeks have really taken a stab at my character, and I hate feeling like I'm less than someone because he has a nice suit on.

I went to the Yankee parade also while I was in the city, and it was nice to socialize with people even though I wasn't really being myself and I think they could sense it, even though I just met them.

This forum is helping me get by quite a bit, I'm trying to give back how I can but I feel like a bit of a hypocrite giving someone else advice while I can barely handle myself at the moment.

[lonegael]

Don't feel like a hypocrit. I think we all can get a bit blinded by ou own proximity to our own problems, and just about anyone can see what we miss. I don't see your own problems disqualifying you from helping others where you see you can. Please don't pull backbecause of that! We need you...

[Briester]

A Long Ways, I'm with you on the importance of high priority of leading an honest life. I hope you get some good news from your interview and you've had an ok weekend. It can be tough sometimes and I think working on yourself is the best at this time. It was for me and I ended up happening upon my [now] wife.

Be well..