[turquoisesea]

I'm really upset by this.

He keeps saying he'll work on it. But he's in his 5th year. It's the last of his money (his parents money) so if he doesn't finish the degree in this year he's done.

At this point I'm not even thinking good grades, just PASSING which is hard enough for me to accept.

But he's not done a SINGLE MUSIC COMPOSITION ASSIGNMENT THIS WHOLE SEMESTER! That's his major...

What do I do? I need him to pass. I don't know WHAT I can do if he fails, and I don't know enough about jazz to even do any work for him which at this point I'm so desperate I'd want to.

He WANTS to do this but he just "can't". I don't know what's wrong with him... he has dysthemia and possibly ADD... but he's not seeing anyone for this. and he promised weeks ago he'd find a psychiatrist but he's been too scared to do it. He gets so scared he doesn't do things.



And now this is making ME severely depressed.

Mostly a rant... any suggestions?

[Briester]

Sorry you're having so much anxiety over this my friend.
I'd encourage him to see the University counselor about it and that there's nothing to be scared of at all. Have him explain to them what's happening and get some help. It shouldn't cost anything and is usually free. They can't typically write prescriptions for meds but the regular docs can and it will take a while for them to act anyway.

I'm not sure I can understand why you're so stressed about his academic performance. It really is his choice though obviously he's suffering his own dark time.
You said you need him to pass and don't know what you'd do if he didn't so without explaining more I'll take it you just really need him to for some reason. Also, even if you did know something about music, it would be unethical and most likely a violation of any honor policy at his school which could be an expulsion offense to do his work for him.

Maybe you could step back and realize that although it's something you really want and feel like you need, ultimately it's his choice what he does and why he does it. Try to isolate yourself and not let it trigger you (in this sense, triggering depression).

I'd really try to get him to talk to a college counselor or maybe even a prof. in the psych department.

Good luck my friend and remember to breath.

Chris

[lonegael]

(((((((turquoise sea))))))Hon there is only so much that you can do for him. Even if he has dysthymia, you can't make him confront his fears and get his act together. It's up to him as an adult to do that, disorder or no disorder.
I am worried that you will get sidetracked by his troubles and make your own life far more difficult than it is already.
You said that you need him to pass. Can you explain that more? I mean I can think of several different meanings for that and knowing which is right will determine what I say next.
It's sad that he doesn't seem to be able to handle life right now. If you can help him, do, but try to remember that HIS life cannot be your responsibility; YOUR life is responsibility enough. We depressed folks have to economize on our energy and put our energy where it will do most good without wiping us out.Of course you want to do anything for him to get through, but not everything is appropriate for a person in your possession. Just hoping you'll still take care of yourself, turquoise. You have had such a rough couple of weeks

[turquoisesea]

((((((((((((((((((((((Briester))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I've been trying to get him to see someone, but every time he avoids. There is a whole counseling service center at this university, they have people that can prescribe meds too. But they're not the best, and I had a very bad experience with them *meds gone wrong*, which my boyfriend saw and I don't blame him not wanting to go THERE because of this and the fact that he has insurance. All he has to do is call someone but he won't do that either.

I guess I'm stressed about it for a few reasons. I live with him, so I see it everyday. The space we live in is VERY small. I know that doing his work for him would be bad, I'm just so frustrated.

You're right I need to take a step back, but I don't know how. Because I love him so much, and we live together it's so hard to be apart in this as it's such a big part of the future. I will try.

*breathes*



((((((((((lonegal))))))))))))))))
As I was saying to Briester, I "need" him to pass because it affects me too. Without a degree he will be heartbroken, his parents will be so upset. And he won't have a degree... jobs will be harder to get, I'll be so disappointed. It'll be a waste of time and money... I guess I'm attatched to it somehow, emotionally as well as practically (degrees help get jobs and more schooling in future).

You're right.. it's been a ROUGH past few weeks. And I need to focus on ME. My getting back into school, finding an apartment with or without my boyfriend so that I cna be ok when I get BACK to school. Keeping up my job to get money in, and keeping up practicing especially for this recital this week!

Again... I need to find a way to distance myself in a healthy way.

At this point, he may just need to suffer the consequences. He's an adult. He knows what resources are available to him. He's making bad decisions and there are consequences to that. You can't fix what he is doing. Just take care of yourself.

[Briester]

You're such a sweet soul Turquoise. I hope you can find some relief from your stress. If you ever need me just PM or Yahoo me.

Chris

[Pomegranate]

turquoiseI can understand how frustrating it must be but you've gotten good advice already. Concentrate on YOU, keeping yourself well, healthy and doing what YOU need to be doing.

You love him. Then you must accept him as he is right now. He may not "get any better." Or he may, when HE is ready and willing, get a lot better. Or he may even get worse. As you know, many of us who suffer from mental health issues find out it is a chronic condition that can get better and worse. I hope his parents understand that and are supportive of him? That's all you can be, supportive - not enabling. Don't do his school work for him, that will ultimately backfire. If he's not up to doing it now, he needs to accept that and have the people around him understand that. He can always go back to school if he gets better.

You need to ask yourself some serious questions. Sometimes we can love someone very much but for our own good we can't live with them or even spend much time around them. Are you up to financially supporting the both of you? Are you up to dealing with both your and his mental health issues? Sometimes, very sadly, love isn't enough.

I don't mean to be discouraging but I see how hard you work on youself to keep yourself okay. He may be able to get himself okay if he is willing to work at it and seek help. Do his parents know exactly how good or bad he is doing? If they have a very clear picture of his situation they may be able to help him more than you can. I know you love him, but please take good care of yourself - otherwise you can't help anyone, not even you.

[turquoisesea]

((((((((everyone))))))))))))))))))

Pomegranate, to answer your question about his parents. They won't be much of a help, I think they'd be ok as far as giving money to get him help. However every time they found out he's not doing anything - even small things - they decide the best way to solve the problem is call him every day and yell at him about how he's not doing what he needs to do. My boyfriend responds by getting worse. This has happened most of his life.

So turning to the parents, I"m not sure about. Financially yes *even though they have not much money left* but emotionally I am not sure they'd help.

personally i think he needs therapy and/or medications to help him through.

Some more answers... no I can not afford to take care of him too. Cruel, harsh. I want to. But if I were to take care of him emotionally I would get so drained I wouldn't be able to care for myself at all and nothing would be helped in the end.

Financially - I fully expect him to get a job even if it's minimum wage job. He is capable of this and I expect at least that much from him. School, not so much. He's no good at school.

I think he's letting his fear of meds and what they could do get in the way. For years. I can't make the calls for him though.

thank you for your advice and thoughts

[justfloating]

((((((((turquoisesea)))))))))

My brother has ADD, and he's never been very "school-inclined." He's the smartest kid I know, too. We're pretty sure he has a photographic memory, and if he's interested in something he will throw himself into it 100%. When he's not so interested, though, he's run into some SERIOUS problems, and his grades are proof of that.

You can't do your boyfriend's problems for him, but you can be supportive. What helps with my brother is just sitting with him while he works. We don't even have to be looking over his shoulder while he works -- when I sit with him, I'm usually reading or doing my own work. I don't know why, but the company helps him to focus on what he's doing, and every so often he can bounce ideas off of us as he works. Just being there and silently lending your support might go a long way in getting your boyfriend to get through his work. I'm personally at a stage where I want to do my work but just can't, and just WANTING to do it can be so draining somehow that I don't. It helps for me to divide my work into very, VERY small steps (it's a success for me some days if I can read a single page out of one of my textbooks, that's how small the steps have to be for me.) Maybe you can convince him to work for just ten or fifteen minutes at a time, once or twice a day, sort of chipping away at it until it's done?

It's too bad that he won't seek help right now, but unfortunately I think that's something every person has to come to in their own time. Don't do anything that's going to hurt your mental/emotional health in supporting him -- the best thing you can do is take care of yourself so you're strong enough to give what support you can.

Wishing you the best of luck and sending lots of hugs.

[googley]

(((((turquoisesea))))

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time.