[Amazonmom]

Last week I had a followup appointment after a miscarriage. I have been depressed ever since I found out I was losing the baby.

I don't want to fire my psych NP, I love her and respect her for taking me on as a client

My obstetrician is acting like a big jerk though. My follow up appt made my depression so bad that I called my NP for support for the first time ever! I almost never call between appts unless I need a med refill or something.

The OB was shocked that my miscarriage hurt so much,she said I wasn't pregnant long enough to have that happen! She said I wasn't taking the Vicodin she gave me, but I was...

Then I got a huge lecture...OB said that my NP told her this was a surprise pregnancy. OB said I should have used more effective birth control! I'm sorry DOC...but every hormonal birth control method I try makes me severely depressed. I didn't go back to her for the IUD because I was embarrassed that I was diagnosed bipolar and I didn't want anyone to know...geez I am HUMAN you know.

Then I got a huge lecture on how she thinks there is no reason to stop Lithium if you are pregnant. That I should take it while trying to conceive and throughout the pregnancy. That the risk of heart defects is low and shouldn't bother me. Then she gave me a bunch of journal articles that I have already read. SORRY DOC! I have held a baby boy in my arms as he died of Ebstein's anomaly. His mom was too sick to be at his bedside, so I stayed with him as he died. (I'm a Neonatal ICU nurse) I held him and told him it was okay to let go... I personally cannot accept any increased risk of this happening to my child. I do not judge anyone who takes Lithium during pregnancy, not at all. This is just my personal view.

She called me unreasonable and got frustrated with me. I heard her and the nurse saying to each other that I wasn't emotional enough....I was trying not to burst out in tears the whole time...

I'm so depressed. Why did she have to get so mean? Would you change docs, or would you try to talk it out with her?

[turquoisesea]

First, I'm so sorry about your baby.

I can't believe they treated you like that. It's a personal decision and should be kept that way. It's ok for you to find another doctor. Any way to find one that's on your insurance and that would be more understanding of your feelings?

sendings hugs for you

[Rhiannonsmoon]

What the?!

I'd be making a formal complaint to medical authorities and to the AMA. Doctors are paid to treat and give a service. Not to judge and lecture and talk about you with another non MD staff member. That's just plain *****y. She should not have mentioned you to the nurse AT ALL. Any consultation is to be done with the treating doctors only. Nurses don't need to be told anything.

This really gets my goat. So many people are treated badly by doctors and drs think they can just get away with it.

I'd be writing her a really firm letter and sending a copy of it to the health board with my complaint. Not only did she not take into account your mental illness, but she overstepped the boundaries by a mile.

When a child is in a mothers womb, it makes no difference how long it has been there. It is still a child and part of the mother. It is still a loss. And a loss harder for someone wth depression to bear.

I'm sending you some really gentle ((((hugs))))

Don't let this dr step on you. You can guarantee that she's done or doing it to others and if no one stands up to her then she will continue...

Big big to you, Amazonmom!!! Wow. How can people who go into the caring fields be so insensitive? Lecturing, minimizing, calling you unreasonable, saying what you are or aren't doing in direct opposition to what you know and talking about you within earshot? Or at all! Hello! Confidentiality!... Yikes. That would be an awful experience for anyone, even if they weren't depressed!
You say you love your psych NP. Maybe you could bounce it off her and see what she thinks.
But from what you describe, I think it's perfectly reasonable to look for another. Sounds like the kind of "care" that isn't very caring. Either that or she just totally doesn't *get* a helpful little thing called "bedside manner"(!)

[lynn09]

I am so sorry (((((Amazonmom))))) that you lost your baby - that is so heartbreaking. I agree with everyone else here - there simply is no excuse for the way your doctor behaved towards you - none - zero - zilch. I would not hesitate for a minute about finding another doctor. Sounds to me like this doctor has some insecurity issues of her own - has to make herself feel more important at the expense of others. As your doctor, she is obligated to act in YOUR best interest and for YOUR welfare at ALL times - and there is no way that behaving towards you that way was in YOUR best interest. You take good care of yourself and let us know what happens.

[justfloating]

((((((((((amazonmom)))))))))))


I'm so very sorry for your loss. My mother had four miscarriages, and I watched each of them take their toll on her. For your doctor to have suggested that your miscarriage shouldn't hurt is monstrous. The loss of a child is one of the most painful things anyone can go through; your OB of all people should know that.

Get a new doctor, please, and report this one's behaviour if you can. That was TOTALLY disrespectful and uncalled for. If anyone is being "unreasonable" and "not emotional enough", it's her. Doctors are there to care for patients, not judge them. I do hope you report her -- who knows what she's saying to all her other patients!!

Sending lots of hugs.

[Amazonmom]

We work for the same hospital, I will be seeing this doctor all the time whether I fire her or not. It is highly likely that she will be the OB at deliveries where I have to attend and provide care for the baby.

There are many other OB doctors I can choose from, my insurance covers any doc that delivers at my hospital. I won't even have to pay a copay for my prenatal care.

Three of my coworkers came up to me and told me that I need to fire my OB, even BEFORE I told them this story. They all told me that my OB panics and doesn't know what to do with mental health or pain issues. I told her I was depressed at 12 weeks pregnant, and she told me that she doesn't like to prescribe SSRI drugs to pregnant women so I should talk to someone. She gave me a referral. Then she never asked me about my depression again. Even at 21 weeks when I told her my only joy in life was my fetus and my patients. Even when I was angry and ranting all the time at appointments. Nobody asked me anything at my postpartum appointment....I eventually realized being suicidal couldn't possibly be normal...and called the psych NP that treats me now. Only then did the OB ask me any questions about postpartum depression....

I knew I couldn't tell her about my issues...she was running late in the office one day. She was all panicky looking and told me she was sorry...that she had a suicidal client in the office and was trying to figure out what to do. (Major privacy violation....what would she have done if I had told her I was suicidal too?) Bad OB!!!!

My NP came out and completely agreed with everything I said about my OB. Apparently my OB panics and calls my NP all the time asking her to see the patients with any sort of mental health issue.

I can only imagine what my OB now thinks of me. I almost want one last visit to ask her just that question. Can she respect that I will read the same articles and come to a different decision than she would? What does she think of bipolar clients? Why doesn't she improve the level of comfort she has with mental health issues?

Or I could just let her get away with treating me like this...and turn the rage inward, just like I always do.

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

What the?!

I'd be making a formal complaint to medical authorities and to the AMA. Doctors are paid to treat and give a service. Not to judge and lecture and talk about you with another non MD staff member. That's just plain *****y. She should not have mentioned you to the nurse AT ALL. Any consultation is to be done with the treating doctors only. Nurses don't need to be told anything.

This really gets my goat. So many people are treated badly by doctors and drs think they can just get away with it.

I'd be writing her a really firm letter and sending a copy of it to the health board with my complaint. Not only did she not take into account your mental illness, but she overstepped the boundaries by a mile.

Don't let this dr step on you. You can guarantee that she's done or doing it to others and if no one stands up to her then she will continue...

Absolutely agree! I have fired doctors and filed a complaint against one. That kind of behavior is unacceptable.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Amazonmom, You need to be careful that she doesn't undermine you to your direct supervisor. Someone did that to me once and I got fired. I did my job perfectly, no complaints from the DON or any patient. Didnt put a foot wrong. But because one person contacted my direct supervisor about me being a major depressive I was told she no longer had confidence in me.

A number of doctors have some sort of power trip over RN's and don't treat them well at all. They treat them the way they did in the early days, like paid slaves, speaking to them badly and not respecting them at all.

I would go back to her one more time and I would tell her exactly what I thought, and I would tell her that she needs to do some reading on depression as well as other mental illness, and that she needs to get into the 21st century and understand that mental illness is just as valid as any other illness, not invalid because it involves the mind.

In fact if she panics at having a suicidal patient in her office then she has a mental illness too "Panic disorder"...and boy would I love to be there to see the look on her face when you told her...tehehehehehehe

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

A number of doctors have some sort of power trip over RN's and don't treat them well at all. They treat them the way they did in the early days, like paid slaves, speaking to them badly and not respecting them at all.

Truly. I have had surgeons get pissy and throw surgical trays at me and other RNs. Somehow I was able to maintain my composure until I got into my manager's office and I started bouncing off the walls. One RN who actually got struck by the tray took it to court. There have to be consequences to bad behavior or they will not change.

(Fortunately the majority of doctors I worked with were excellent doctors and nice people).

[Amazonmom]

YES! I think your idea about panic disorder is hilarious! (I get panic attacks when depressed- so I am not making fun of panic disorder).

I don't think she would go to the malicious ends that you (and I) worry about, especially if I keep the confrontation professional. There are other bipo nurses on my unit, and many other nurses take antidepressants, etc. If your performance is good, that seems to be all that anyone cares about.

Thanks for your message .

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

Amazonmom, You need to be careful that she doesn't undermine you to your direct supervisor. Someone did that to me once and I got fired. I did my job perfectly, no complaints from the DON or any patient. Didnt put a foot wrong. But because one person contacted my direct supervisor about me being a major depressive I was told she no longer had confidence in me.

A number of doctors have some sort of power trip over RN's and don't treat them well at all. They treat them the way they did in the early days, like paid slaves, speaking to them badly and not respecting them at all.

I would go back to her one more time and I would tell her exactly what I thought, and I would tell her that she needs to do some reading on depression as well as other mental illness, and that she needs to get into the 21st century and understand that mental illness is just as valid as any other illness, not invalid because it involves the mind.

In fact if she panics at having a suicidal patient in her office then she has a mental illness too "Panic disorder"...and boy would I love to be there to see the look on her face when you told her...tehehehehehehe

[tarabug922]

I'm so sorry about the miscarriage. I hope the pain eases for you soon. I recently had a friend who had surgery, removed part of her intestines and she was in excruciating pain.They told her to take her meds like she was supposed to, she already was. It ended up that she had an abcess the size of an egg and staff infection! What I'm saying is doctors are wrong all of the time. They are human too. But this doctor that you had sounds totally unreasonable, like she got on her high horse and wouldn't get off. I personally wouldn't keep such an arrogant and unsympathetic doctor. That's me. I hope you make a decision that is right for you and your depression.

Love and Hugs,
Tara

[pegasus]

(((((((( Amazonmom )))))))))

I'm sorry for your loss of losing a baby. Please take care of you and get another OB. If you meet this last one while walking down the corridor, just smile sweetly and know that you are truly taking care of you.

Fire away!!

[lynn09]

Personally, (((Amazonmom))), I wouldn't make another appointment with her because she will get paid for it and doesn't deserve to be. Just get an appointment with a new OB and interview them - they work for YOU, not the other way around - get recommendations from the other nurses and staff about who is the best and most compassionate. The doctor's primary obligation is to the welfare of the patient, not their staff or bank account; the staff's primary obligation is to the welfare of the patient, not the doctor or their bank account - the welfare of the patient is the JOB! Take care, and let us know what happens.

[Berries]

((((((((((Amazonmom))))))))


Firstly, I am sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the depths of your grief.

I would fire her in a second. No way would I put up with that. I've had doctors and pdocs like that, and I fired them after the first consultation.

You deserve the best care possible!!!

[lonegael]

It sounds to me like she is trying to "CYA" in case someone tries to pin the miscarriage on her. She is so wrong. I agree with what you did and would do it myself in a second if I knew I was pregnant. You cannot assume that just because something doesn't happen very often, it will not happen to you. Heck, we would have five times the numbers of medications allowed in this country than we have if that logic was held by the FDA. Her job is to make sure that you and that baby had care and support from her and whatever other necessary source. She should have been aware of the possibile reactions that you might have had and made sure that you were being properly treated.
Dear, when I misscarried, the doctors who did the Dand C offered me their condolences before they put me under. I didn'thave my "own" OBgyn but I never felt a lack of support from the personel around me. They didn't assume that because the baby died in the 16th week, that I didn't grieve for him/her. I was never made to feel stupid for crying. That is not the type of attitude that you should have to tolerate, and I hope you don't feel that you do. Find someone else. Be glad this doctor isn't related to you

[googley]

((((((Amazonmom)))))))
I'm really sorry you lost your baby.

I also think you should get rid of this OB. Her behavior is absolutely ridiculous. It makes me so mad. And it didn't even happen to me. (I wish there was a smiley with smoke coming out the ears-then I would use that one.) I'm sorry that you are going to have to see her again because of your work. I'm glad that you have other people around you who are supportive. Take care of yourself!