Frustrated

I have no control over my life any more. I am at the mercy of my brain chemistry, it seems, and that brain chemistry is more than a little screwed up right now. My counsellor thinks that my meds probably need adjusting, or at least looking into, because I'm experiencing mood swings that come out of nowhere, sleep disturbances (I can't remember the last time I slept through the night) and I've gotten really fidgety lately, which is weird for me because I've never had problems sitting still and now it's like I'm just twitching all the time (one reason I can't sleep is I can't lay still long enough to fall asleep). On top of that, I have NO ability to cope. The slightest problem comes up and I'm absolutely floored. If it's raining, I don't take an umbrella, I just don't go out. If I'm late for a class, I just don't bother. If I come across a passage in a textbook I don't understand, I just stop reading. I just can't wrap my head around anything any more, it's like all my problem-solving skills went out the window. If I get worked up, I can't calm down. My mind is absolutely racing ALL THE TIME and I can't hold onto a thought very long before something completely unrelated comes into my head. I get really anxious for no reason, and being around people makes me feel so tired and paranoid that they hate me that I can't do anything else, like concentrate on a lecture or participate in a discussion.

This isn't me. This has never been me, not even when my depression was at its worst. There haven't been any external triggers -- my life is actually going a lot more smoothly in terms of my relationships, my interest in my courses, my preparation for the future, my family, etc. I got out of a toxic relationship and feel much freer because of it. I am more confident than I've ever been before, and I believe a lot of it has to do with therapy. But something just isn't right. I made a doctor's appointment, but I couldn't get in until next week, same thing with my counsellor. The only upside to any of this is that since my mind exploded (which is how I'm thinking of it) I've been at my most creative, because idea after idea keeps flying into my head. My writing is the only thing I CAN focus on right now, and even that takes a LOT of willpower. I don't understand most of my journal entries and my mood diary has no real pattern to it, I'm just EVERYWHERE.

This is so frustrating! I just want it fixed! I was getting a handle on my life. I still want to get a handle on life. I've been on these meds for almost exactly a year and I've never had a problem with them before. I have no idea what would have messed me up now, but I can't take much more of this.

((((Justfloating)))) I don't know you well but I just want you to know I read your post. Maybe you can try learning meditation or for now take some slow deep breaths and just let the feelings come. I hope you'll feel better soon

(((Rebecca)))

I can empathsize w/ you!!! Your frustration level sounds like it has reached max. levels. Your meds seem like they have worked in the past, maybe you & your Dr. could re-evalute your needs. Our bodies are always changing!
There are some simple skills that you can easily learn, that would help you out tremendously!!! If you want to PM we can talk! Also you may want to hang out in the regular chat - you will get many ideas!!

Peace w/ You,
Holmes

(((((((Rebecca)))))))))))

I'm hoping the doctor can make your brain chemistry level out a little bit. Hugs to you

((((((((((((((((justfloating)))))))))))))))

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like it really sucks.

Wishing you some peace and calm.

((((((((justfloating))))))

(((((((((((((( justfloating )))))))))))))))

I'm sorry. I can relate. I wish I couldn't relate.

By the way, your irrepressible creativity shines through your post despite your depression.

Wow, you have just describe me to a T. I understand how you feel and actually truely mean it. I am going to the same stuff right now and where as I don't have any advice I do want you to know you are so not alone. I have not found anything to help with this other than I'm doing an outpatient partial hospitilzation program that seems to help let my thoughts and fears and emotions come out in a positive place where it's okay and NOBODY is judging me. Maybe you should see if your local hospital has a program similar to this one. I will keep you in my thoughts. I hope you find something to help yourself. If you do come up with something I'd love to hear it so maybe it could work for me.

(((((((Justfloating))))))
I'm sorry you are experiencing a new set of symptoms. I hate it when that happens. I hope your Pdoc is able to sort it out with your meds. Remember to take deep breaths. Are you going home for the winter holiday? (assuming you have on)

I can really feel your frustration (((justfloating))) - I agree with Rohag that your creativity really does come through in your writing! It's unfortunate that you have to wait a while before you can see your pdoc or even your therapist. In the meantime, try to cut out anything in your diet that can magnify your symptoms (caffeine, sugar, known allergens, etc.). Also, even though you have been on your meds for a year, you can develop sensitivities and begin experiencing side effects at any time - so it may be more than just an adjustment in dosage that is needed. You should have that information on your prescription receipts - look at the contraindications, as well, since some medications can interact badly even with "natural" substances (vitamins, pain meds, etc.).

If your symptoms continue at this intensity and especially if they escalate, do not hesitate to contact your pdoc or even go to the ER since you could be suffering side-effects or even having an allergic reaction (not all allergic reactions present with hives - some present with neurological symptoms). This is not something to mess around with, so keep an eye on yourself and stay safe! Please let us know how you are doing.

(((((Rebecca))))) Hope this smoothes out soon. Have they reasoned that you might have some bipolar traits that are being triggered by your current medications? Huggs.