low, low...

SO low today. I woke up already feeling semi-gross ... I stayed up most of last night watching tv because I didn't want to lie in bed with my thoughts while I fell asleep. I'm too afraid to confront myself right now; I hate the person I see in the mirror. This morning in French class I think I accidentally offended my tutor by giving him the idea I thought France wasn't important when I just meant that we don't pay as much attention to it in Canada as they do here so sometimes I feel a little out of the loop. I tried to explain that wasn't what I meant, but I'm not sure I explained myself very well. I wanted to get out of that classroom so badly. The people in my class are all really nice and I try to be friendly, but I'm always so uncomfortable, like no matter what I do they can see what a loser I am, how ignorant and self-important I must be for not paying closer attention to the news in France. At the same time I'm burying a lot of annoyance with this course because it's SO focused on France -- no offence to France or the French, I think it's all really interesting, but I pay less attention to the two countries I actually LIVE in than the stuff they expect us to understand for a country I've never even seen. But I know that's just me ... because I have no intentions of living or working in France (unlike 90% of the people here), because I feel no attachment to the UK, to France or to Europe in general, because my intentions with this degree are so radically different from what most people do.

I feel so lost sometimes. I'm so lonely all the time. I feel like a total outsider, like I can't relate to anyone else no matter how hard I try. In two and a half years I haven't made a real connection with a single person here. I just feel too DIFFERENT all the time. I think that I'm a little bit odd sometimes but it's one of the things I've always loved about myself and it's something all my friends at home love about me too. I say things or do things rather unexpectedly; I tend to take approaches to things a little differently than others. All through high school, I loved being different, unique, and I loved being around people who were different from me. But university has been the complete opposite. My friends are merely good acquaintances, people I hang around with sometimes for company and that's it. I know we won't be keeping in touch after graduation and it doesn't make me sad or bother me in any way except for how lonely it makes me. I don't care about my degree -- it was graduation on Monday and as I watched the grads walking around in their graduation robes I realized that if it weren't for my family wanting to see me graduate, I probably wouldn't even attend the ceremony. It won't have a whole lot of meaning for me because I just don't feel attached to my school or the people here.

I feel so, so awful. I can't stop crying.

its so hard to study when you are depressed. Its really good you have stuck at it despite it being really boring for you right now.

I just wanted to give you a hug because i have had the experience me not being able to stop crying

(((Justfloating)))

May you find a way for the tears to stop. Good luck.

Hey there Rebecca =)

I have similar problems. After going on leave for a year I realize how truly far apart form the rest of my "class" I was. I guess in actuality I realized it sooner, but I had more time to think while I was on leave. I DID have two closer friends in the first year of school, but I realize now that I wasn't sharing MYSELF with them, and we also have grown apart in the past 3 years.

Its hard to find someone to get close to, it's hard to find someone with the same likes and dislikes. And at least for me when I try to go looking for friends everyone already "has that friend" or is "best friends" with someone and it's hard to actually make friends because of that.

I too would not come to graduation except my parents would be upset if I didn't and they're spending THOUSANDS of dollars to send me to school.

It might require us making a leap - I know I don't reach out, I'm not always an "active friend" and the more depressed I feel the worse it gets.

I also think that for you getting through school will help you a lot. I think your school you are out of place but you can CHOOSE where you're going next and therefore you are more likely to find people more like you

dunno if this helped
erm... sending hugs?

(((((((justfloating))))))

I can't get up today. Not to get dressed or anything. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. So tired. So sad.

maybe you could get some toast and juice and then watch a dvd. I know you said you can't get up but even if it takes you an hour to get into a sitting up position them a standing position you should still reward yourself on a goal achieved. And i'm being very serious in my very depressed episode my goal for the day was to get out me bed and have a shower and put clean clothes on. Some days i was having my morning shower at 2 pm and i was frustrated but mum said i should be proud of getting moving.

(((((((((((justfloating)))))))))))

I know your frustration about the emphasis on France at the cost of other Francophone countries. It's a big reason I chose not to take French in school. There are so many french speaking Africans, Middle Easterners, North American, and Asians that one would think that there would be more focus on them. Sigh.
Hope you are feeling somewhat better now. I know you were very frustrated recently as well. Huggggs, and hope that you plans for Chrisstmas have sorted themselves out.

((((justfloating))))

Sorry you have been having such a hard time and feeling so down. I understand lost. I understand crying. I understand how you are feeling. But you have so much to give. So much to be proud of. Even in the midst of depression you are still doing it. That says so much about you.

I know it is hard but you have not quit. You have not thrown in the towel. You have not quit reaching out here on PC. You have kept going despite what lies depression is feeding you.

Hang in there and lift up your head. I am proud of you. Thank you for coming here and sharing how you are feeling with us. That takes so much especially when you feel so low.

Crying is okay. It is a way to release tension and to let out what otherwise we hold inside. You will stop crying and the sun will return. Please be kind to yourself. Know you are not alone. And that we are thinking of you. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

(((((((((Justfloating))))))))))

How are you feeling today?

(((((((((((((((( justfloating )))))))))))))))))

Wishing you better days and just the right amount of strength to get you through this time and a little extra to pamper yourself.

(((((((everyone)))))))))

Still not doing so good ... it took me all day to convince myself to get up and shower and get something to eat. I think I'm losing weight again; my mom called and asked about it this afternoon but I lied and said I'm fine, don't want to worry her. On the plus side, we're booking my flight home after exams so I'll have a couple of weeks in January at home to look forward to. Right now my mood is slowly improving, I think, but my body doesn't seem to want to catch up. Can't do much but stare at the wall. I've been reading everybody's posts but it's taking a lot out of me just to type this out right now. Want everyone to know, you're all in my thoughts. Thank you all for being so wonderful, it means a lot.

(((((((JustFloating)))))))

Good for you for getting out of bed, showering and eating!

How are you feeling, today?

(((((((justfloating)))))))

Huggs Honey! Glad to hear that you can go home for a bit!

Today was quite a bit better than yesterday. I think I'm starting to notice a pattern when I get hit really hard like this. My mood improves first and my body follows, usually a few days after. On top of that, I seem to get a creative rush as I'm coming out of a really bad slump -- I spent all afternoon writing so furiously I think I might have hurt my hand. It took a lot out of me and I'm incredibly tired now, so I'm going to turn in early. I'm just glad my mood seems to be looking up. Going to try to take it easy for a couple of days and hopefully my body will catch up too.

I'm not really sure if this is a cyclical thing or what, but the pattern is definitely there. It didn't used to be. I'd really like some answers ... The doctor doesn't want to do anything without a consult from a psychiatrist, but it's apparently going to take a long time to get me in for an appointment. I'm pretty sure this guy is the only one for the area, too. Oh well, I'll get in eventually.

Thanks so much for all your support everyone. I really don't know what I'd do without you.

I know how tough it is waiting on the professional - they're ALWAYS booked and when you're feeling like this every day can seem like an eternity. I'm really glad you are setting up a meeting. It's an important step for you.

I know it seems depressing in some ways to realize this pattern, because you KNOW when you'll crash and you can't seem to avoid that horrible depressed state. However, it could also be a blessing in disguise. Until you get to see the doctor, you can guess what you mood will be like and when you can work best. Perhaps when you know you're going to crash you can plan fun activities for yourself (even just buying some bath soaps or some nice chocolates to eat) and set aside some YOU time for those times of the month/week. When you think your cycle is going up you can start planning more writing and school based activities.

Wishing you the very best. I'm really glad you get to go home for the holidays by the way =) I'm looking forward to going home to my family as well!

*hugs*

May you find peace and comfort in knowing you are a person of value, loving and compassionate. Choose to embrace the good within you.

I am sorry you are so sad just floating. I can so relate to the feelings you are having. I hope that things start to ease up for you soon and know that you are not alone. Blessings! Tonih

hugs and blessings to you! I hope you feel better soon!

(((((((((((justfloating))))))))))

Are you still feeling better? I hope so.