[Abby]

I feel so depressed. I know i shouldn't say that flippantly but that is the only word i know to use. I usually say i feel sad but that doesn't quite match it.

I don't enjoy anything. I never have. Noone will believe me when i say that because there is usually one part of a persons life that they enjoy, even if it is just a tiny bit, but i can't think of one. I live my life on autopilot, i don't feel, i simply am. When i do give myself time to think all that comes flooding back is the depressive thoughts, and honestly they are getting so boring now. I'm boring.

I'm not interested in anything or anyone. I think about how i should be making friends, having relationships, generally living my life...and i can't be bothered. I know it matters to me deep down, but i'm too tired to care. I'm too tired to put on a mask, i'm too tired to pretend, i'm too tired to listen to anyone talk about anything, so i'm not much of a friend. I've lost all my friends because i'm too tired to talk to them.

I hurt really deeply. I really hate myself for doing this to myself. It is my fault i don't have real friends, that i am doing nothing with my life, that i'm in a job that i hate. All these things are changeable but i sit here and whallow. I deserve the depression.

I don't know where to turn anymore. I try to tell people how flat and grey everything is, how i wish i'd never been born, how i'd gladly give up my existance if it meant i could stop feeling this, how nothing matters...but it doesn't help. Noone can make me feel energy, enthusiasm, happiness, love. They can smile sympathetically, offer a hug and then wander off whilst i try and gather the courage to switch off and get through the next hour. I appear ungrateful, and i think, maybe, i am, because it doesn't mean much to me. I'm glad i have people that care, but i'm so numb nothing filters through, i wish i could reciprocate with real feelings instead of false gestures.

I'm not sure there is a way out of this. I should really just suck it up and maybe change everything in my life to get outta this rut. But i'm so so tired that i don't.

Anyway, don't mind me, i think i needed to admit to this. I find it hard admitting to these feelings of hopelessness and pointlessness when so many feel the same. I feel all i'm doing is polluting the cosmos with my negativity. I don't mind the anger, it fuels me, but this 'depression' is simply exhausting. I can't even be bothered to be.

[headintheclouds6]

Thank you for sharing your pain with us, Abby, sometimes admitting things to yourself and others is the first step to self-awareness and healing. I hope you find solace and support here and can count on people here to help you through your bad times. Take care of yourself and listen to your feelings.

[Rohag]

Abby, many things in your post echo my own emptiness and frustration. I've failed so often to mobilize myself to get out of my depressive rut, even aided by meds and professionals.

Originally Posted by Abby

I'm glad i have people that care, but i'm so numb nothing filters through, i wish i could reciprocate with real feelings instead of false gestures.

That reflects well on you. The substance of the feelings lies outside your grasp, yet you still wish you could offer something more to those who care. Good for you, Abby.

[Berries]

Thank you for posting. I am very sorry that you have had such deep depression for such a long time. I commend you for wanting to do something about it.
Do you have a therapist? Are you on meds? Therapy can help build coping strategies. And meds can help your brain function better.

I am sending you wishes and prayers that the hope you need will surface in your life.

Please keep posting.

[Abby]

Thanks headintheclouds (good name btw). It is strange how the simple words 'thank you for sharing your pain with us' really helps me feel connected and that someone is listening. It means a lot. I never listen to my feelings so it is always a surprise when someone else takes the time to listen to them! take care of yourself too.

Rohag, i'm really quite sad that you understood my post, simply because i wouldn't wish my existance upon anyone. Thank you for your kind words, sometimes i feel so darn fake i forget that the fakeness is all in an effort to make other peoples lives easier. I hope you find the motivation in your life, despite how hard it can be.

Thank you Berries, i'm genuinely surprised that 2 people thanked me for posting my whines. I obviously don't believe it (it isn't in my nature to think people genuinely care, this says nothing about the people that say this though!! no offence intended to anyone!!!), but egotistically it is still nice to hear. I feel i've been depressed for a lifetime and i want to feel joy, love and excitement because i'm not sure i ever have. It is demoralising to live without these feelings. I cope, but there isn't much point in coping sometimes. I have a therapist but no meds. Therapy is helping, not so much with the depression but with the deep internal pain. Slow going though and i get frustrated. Thank you for your wishes and prayers, they are more than appreciated. take care.

[Berries]

I'm so glad you posted again. I am also glad to hear you are in therapy. That's great.
May I ask why you are not on meds? If this is a lifelong thing, maybe you have a chemical embalance that meds could help with?
Take Care

[Abby]

It seems the medical profession don't seem to think that is the case! Personally i think there is something wrong with the connections in my brain, the last psychiatrist i saw said i have dysthymia and could try another AD....but i refused.....errm....because i got really angry at him and told him nothing he did could do would ever help, which he agreed with (yeh not a good idea to be irrational with a pdr! i don't think they like being told they're useless. oops.). He recommended continuing with long term therapy as the solution after speaking to my therapist....I've been on medication before - e.g. 3 sets of ADs - but they've never helped much....and i'm kinda fickle about taking them....not in a bad way but i get angry alot and that makes me impulsive. And i can't control it. Honest. Sometimes i wish there was something i could take to make it feel lighter, but there obviously isn't so why even bother thinking about that now. I don't really like drs much, besides now i can't even contact my GP who was the only alright one i ever saw.....because she'll just think i'm the scum of the earth wasting her time with my melodramatic nothingness. And she'd be right. So i go to therapy, and i like my therapist, but the weeks in between are very hard. ................but stating the obvious there as otherwise none of us would be here..........sorry.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( Abby ))))))))))))))))))

(keeps furry mouth shut re my opinion of some gp's... )

[hurley21]

I know exactly what you mean about blah and gray. That is how I feel most of the time. I haven't allowed myself to feel the damaging thoughts, like wanting to end my life or self-hate. It is just blah. I always try to remember my family whenever I start to slide down the slope even the tiniest bit. It is not their fault that I am blah, sad, feeling nothing, etc. So, I figure I could not bare the idea of them hurting because I ended my life or hurt myself in some way.

I think living in blah and gray without thoughts of an end makes things harder. Unfortunately, I have found that this world is pretty disappointing and we can only think of how our actions could impact others that we care about.

Wish you well.

[justfloating]

((((((((((Abby)))))))))))


It sounds to me like you're having a really tough time of things, and I'm sorry for that. The good news is that you're not alone in your feelings. This isn't "just you", it's the depression. There IS a cause for how you're feeling and it is in no way your fault any more than it would be your fault for having cancer or MS.

Upon reading your posts, the first thing that jumps to my mind is, "Wow, she's got it bad", and it makes me sad for you because I know EXACTLY how you feel. Some of the thoughts you're having right now I've had too ... scum of the earth, melodramatic, it's my fault, I deserve this, etc. Those thoughts are LIES being told to you by an extremely powerful disorder. My depression has made my life miserable. It stole away my self-confidence, it makes me live a kind of half-life where I'm constantly exhausted, drained, numb, angry, and just plain miserable. It makes me hate myself, doubt myself, negate my achievements and dwell on my failures. Depression has become my total undoing and I'm only now starting to pick up the pieces.

You can get through this. I'm glad you're in therapy, that's a very healthy thing to be doing and it will help you get through some of your personal issues. If you would like to try medication again, make an appointment with your GP if that's who you trust. You will be going to your doctor with a real medical problem and he/she will not in ANY way think you're wasting their time. This is what doctors get paid to do. I know how important it is to find a doctor you can really trust and rely on. I go to school in Scotland and am most comfortable with my doctor here even though I live in Canada, to the point where I will actually wait until I'm back in Scotland to see this doctor because I feel she "gets" me and my depression better than my doctor back home. You're not wasting anyone's time. You're ill, and that is certainly not your fault.

[mum2four]

Originally Posted by Abby

I feel so depressed. I know i shouldn't say that flippantly but that is the only word i know to use. I usually say i feel sad but that doesn't quite match it.

I don't enjoy anything. I never have. Noone will believe me when i say that because there is usually one part of a persons life that they enjoy, even if it is just a tiny bit, but i can't think of one. I live my life on autopilot, i don't feel, i simply am. When i do give myself time to think all that comes flooding back is the depressive thoughts, and honestly they are getting so boring now. I'm boring.

I'm not interested in anything or anyone. I think about how i should be making friends, having relationships, generally living my life...and i can't be bothered. I know it matters to me deep down, but i'm too tired to care. I'm too tired to put on a mask, i'm too tired to pretend, i'm too tired to listen to anyone talk about anything, so i'm not much of a friend. I've lost all my friends because i'm too tired to talk to them.

I hurt really deeply. I really hate myself for doing this to myself. It is my fault i don't have real friends, that i am doing nothing with my life, that i'm in a job that i hate. All these things are changeable but i sit here and whallow. I deserve the depression.

I don't know where to turn anymore. I try to tell people how flat and grey everything is, how i wish i'd never been born, how i'd gladly give up my existance if it meant i could stop feeling this, how nothing matters...but it doesn't help. Noone can make me feel energy, enthusiasm, happiness, love. They can smile sympathetically, offer a hug and then wander off whilst i try and gather the courage to switch off and get through the next hour. I appear ungrateful, and i think, maybe, i am, because it doesn't mean much to me. I'm glad i have people that care, but i'm so numb nothing filters through, i wish i could reciprocate with real feelings instead of false gestures.

I'm not sure there is a way out of this. I should really just suck it up and maybe change everything in my life to get outta this rut. But i'm so so tired that i don't.

Anyway, don't mind me, i think i needed to admit to this. I find it hard admitting to these feelings of hopelessness and pointlessness when so many feel the same. I feel all i'm doing is polluting the cosmos with my negativity. I don't mind the anger, it fuels me, but this 'depression' is simply exhausting. I can't even be bothered to be.

I'm sorry you feel like it is not a good feeling at all but I think you need to allow you self to take a brack to focus on your self dont try to make your self feel worse because you have run of energy to show or do things you think other poeple expect.

Some thing that I read when i was really depressed and could not give my self positve thoughts was really helpfull to me its not a quick fix and a little bit like CBT I sopose. I read something about writing positive things down and looking at when you cant make your self be positive for eva reason. i kind took that a little further and started puting positive poems or photos of great memory's on the walls of my house because I did not trust my self to be about go and get the book that wrote the positive things in. Suround your self with things that make smile even if just little smile .. not with things that make you feel bad in any way. It may be a joke or a funny picture it dosn't have to be serious if it serious and about life its more likly to make you remember what you cant give your self or other right now just find things that really have nothing to do with life and everything about trying to bring a smile to you face even for a second.

when the brain becomes clinicly depressed it send out chemical message to recall other things with the same chemical marker, when you smile either on purpose or because something was worth smile about you brain send out the happy chemical the chemical that Anti D's try to mimic and then you brain trys to find other things with the same marker. Just some info that I came across on the internet not quite as technical as what I really read but you should get the idea of what i saying I HOPE.

best thing I ever did when i was facing my depessing mood was use words like I have the right....... I will .... I can..... I allowed my self the space to just BE for a while I tryed not to focus on negative things but I also let my self have some time out from fighting with the negative feelings.... dont tell you self off dont say I cant.... or I didn't....I will never.... and set your self a unrealistive expectiation like I have to snap out it.... but mostly if you hear a negative word in you head try to force you self to say it in a more positive way even if you dont beleaive what your saying at first just be positive.

[Berries]

(((((((Abby)))))))

Please keep posting. I think it would be helpful to you especially since you wait so long between therapy sessions.
I/We want to know what is going on with you and help you in any way I/we can.

Wishing you some peace.

[Abby]

Thanks hurley for taking the time to reply to my post. I agree, the gray blah endless feeling is the worst because it tarnishes everything. I am like a ghost floating through life, i don't cause that much fuss but, if i allow myself the liberty, i would wonder what is the point of this joyless life. I agree, this world is disappointing so i try hard not to add my own negativity to my real life world....i figure that i'm here, i may hate that fact but it is reality, so i might as well not make everyone elses life hell also. It sounds like we are very similar. Take care of yourself, i hope you find some happiness.

Thankyou justfloating (your name sounds like my ghost-like feelings) for such a caring, kind post. I'm not so sure if these feelings are depression or just reality. I've felt this since i was young so i cannot remember a time when i didn't feel this way. If it isn't me, it has certainly become a part of me. It would be easier to believe it was an illness if i could distinguish between me and the depression, but all i know is that life is for other people, not for me. I am really sorry that you are having to cope with depression feelings, i do not like hearing of other people suffering knowing that i can't do a single thing to help. If i could, know that i would. You certainly don't deserve to feel such self-hatred because you have been very kind in replying to my post. I'm really glad you have a GP that listens to you, though that is certainly a hell of a distance to travel for a dr that cares! I don't think the medical profession are going to help me, but therapy may, at least that is the hope when i go.

Thankyou mum2four for taking the time to write such a thoughtful post. With therapy i have been making more time to focus on how i feel and less on other peoples expectations, but i've not yet been convinced how everyone knowing my depressing thoughts would be beneficial. I like the idea of putting up things that create more positive feelings. I shall try and set my mind to recognise anything that makes me smile in the day! In regards to using better words, that is something that scares me a lot because i feel those words 'i will, i can' etc simply imply 'i must'. The idea of trying to change my thoughts conjures up really horrid feelings of having to deny my feelings and makes them better. I know that this is not what you suggested, but it still scares me a lot. Take care.

Thank you Berries for being interested. I appreciate you saying that you want to listen. That means a lot to me. In my real life, i have nowhere to talk except in therapy. That sounds really pathetic doesn't it? It isn't that my family don't care, but i find it so hard to admit how chronic this depression is. It does get boring after awhile, and i know they want me to be happy, and i'd feel bad if i told them the truth - that i don't think happiness exists....well at least not for me. Take care of yourself.

[mum2four]

Originally Posted by Abby

T


Thankyou mum2four for taking the time to write such a thoughtful post. With therapy i have been making more time to focus on how i feel and less on other peoples expectations, but i've not yet been convinced how everyone knowing my depressing thoughts would be beneficial. I like the idea of putting up things that create more positive feelings. I shall try and set my mind to recognise anything that makes me smile in the day! In regards to using better words, that is something that scares me a lot because i feel those words 'i will, i can' etc simply imply 'i must'. The idea of trying to change my thoughts conjures up really horrid feelings of having to deny my feelings and makes them better. I know that this is not what you suggested, but it still scares me a lot. Take care.

I know exactly what you mean when I first decided to try to change my words I would have obbsessive intrusive thoughts that would agrue with me about how it was society expection and it not some I was born to be good at why bother trying and the things that use to come to mind when I tryed to fight threw to be more positive was unbeleaiveable and if did express them to people I knew they would look at me as if I was seriously insane and or tell me that I was insane and then I would become really confused cause it felt so real to me at the time what I thinking felt like the truth from my perpective but when I looked at threw other people perspective I could see where they were comeing from and understood but could not accept it as so.... its just matter of starting with one word and maybe even one area baby steps as thay say ......I still have plenty of days where my negative words have more control over me than I have over them but I get back to posiitve faster and more sincerly than in the past.

[A_Long_ways]

Abby, a lot of the stuff you said were the feelings I've been having almost as long as I can remember but couldn't really accurately put into words. Thanks for sharing, and I know your pain and anguish.

[Abby]

It's just so hard. I feel a million miles away from everyone. I keep pushing myself to carry on, but i'm really so tired.

[Taff]

I know exactly how you feel, Abby. It takes so much out of you as you try to continue living. You've described the greyness and that doesn't help either. I expect too, that you just can't look at the future. Chronic conditions are so draining. I know!

Just take it one day at a time. Don't look back. Look forward, even if it's just a day only. Find something to involve yourself in that doesn't take much effort but will help you out with the day. Another idea is to put some colour in your place, maybe some bright flowers.

Hugs to you and here, have some energy pills Wishful thinking that such things existed!

[Berries]

(((((((((((Abby)))))))))))

[PIprime']

good luck abby

[Spidersal]

I completely get your post. I've lived in that same neutral, blank doldrum for so long it's become a game - what steps shall I take to fight it off this time? What extraordinary effort must I make to break free again?

It's not about not liking or loving people, or not seeing the value in the activities offered to you. It's more like parts of your brain slowly shutting off neuron by neuron, putting you into a neutral state that lacks the energy to react to life, the sheer effort of taking action becomes incomprehensible.

The funny thing is that apathy doesn't really get taken seriously. We tell ourselves to "buck up." Family members think we are just unmotivated or lazy or "malingering." Friends start thinking we're arrogant or standoffish or uncaring. I've heard so many times "you have so many advantages, you need to be more grateful, more dilligent, try harder."

I'm beginning to understand that this apathy is like a long-lived, slow-acting virus - it invades the host (me) and does everything it can to protect itself from detection and treatment until it has such a strong hold on me that I'm at some risk. Part of it's modus operandi is to isolate me from others to hide how serious it really has become. Part of its power includes the lies "you could do something about it if you felt like it, you just don't" and "it's not really that serious."

It IS serious - just as serious as any other more "glamorous" condition and deserves to be confronted, respected and treated seriously.