[CK23]

I feel like i dont have enough fire power left in me to cope... The future threatens more hard days and i know if i stop fighting i might as well end up dying...It seems as though my brain is out of ideas on how to get a way out of this pain that always sneaks up on me no matter what i do to make myself feel better...It sneaks up on me when i am listening to a song i have listened to a dozen times before cos it was a nice song and it sneaks up on me when my brain tells me to keep fighting and go watch t.v instead of bringing down the house... I dont know how to remove this feeling... Maybe God's unhappy with me for something i did... Why else would he deprive me of the thing every human wants which is good companionship...

[lonegael]

((((((CK23)))))) If God were that upset with you, he wouldn't be doing this to punish you. there are a lot of people out there in the world far worse than you who get off scotch free until the last judgement so I don't think you are so horrible that you are being forced to live alone all your life. It's the depression talking. Mr. Depression loves letting you think you deserve misery as some kind of wierd punishment. It's not true. Please believe me, it is not true. God is not your enemy. Depression is.
Hang in there, dear. I know it's tough, but keep slugging.

[lynn P.]

Good advice from ((Lonegael)) - it's true God isn't punishing you. Right now you're in pain and you want it to go away. When it's doesn't go away, you feel disappointed and frustrated. For now I want you to accept your depression but this doesn't mean giving up though. You still need to take your meds and see your therapist(if you have one). It's also helpful if you live in the moment - take one day at a time instead of dwelling in the past or yearning for the future. You can also be proactive in your own health with eating healthy and regular exercise(even going for a walk) - this can make a huge difference. It would also be great if you could rent some funny movies - having a good belly laugh does a body good. Another thing that's helpful is realizing, things could be worse. Please be patient and kind to yourself and never give up trying.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((CK23))))

I do not think God is unhappy with you or anything. You have done nothing wrong. Depression has a way of sneeking up on us at any given time and sucks you in before you even really know what is happening. It is not your fault. I am sorry you are feeling this way.

Sometimes there is a reason for our waiting. When the time is right, you will have the companion you want. Good things come to those who wait. And I know the waiting is not easy. But all in good time things will fall into place.

Until then, you have us. We are listening and we are here to help you through this. We do care. Please keep posting and letting us know how you are doing. Do something kind for yourself. Sending you gentle hugs.

dps

[lynn P.]

Also it's good to remember a 'person can be alone but not FEEL lonely'. When you are a complete person, you can be comfortable being alone.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by CK23

...good companionship...

True, good companionship is better than gold.

CK23, I'm thinking of one of your other threads here where you talked about the difficulties of your high school days, performance pressures, and artificial attempts to socialize with those with whom you didn't really fit. It's easy to understand how your recent (?) life experiences thoroughly drained you. A tired body is rough; how much more so a tired mind and spirit.

Wishing you refreshing rest

[CK23]

I know there's no other way than to keep fighting... The reason why i wrote was because I wanted to share what i was feeling... I feel like this a lot these days... It seems as though I have lost hope that things will get better for me...You know when i was younger i thought i will stick it out and things will get better.... Now i am in my twenties and i have been fighting loneliness and isolation for so long, it seems like my weapons are getting dry with the effort...I have options to smother the pain... a handful of activities that make me cope like some heart warming tracks and some good comedies and other t.v shows which i keep close to my heart...My mind is open and keeps reminding me i have to carry on...So I think about going for a run in the evenings and lifting weights... I am even thinking of joining a club or a gym once i have made some money (I havent got a job and i cant see a therapist or have any meds cos of shortage of funds and the fact that the society I live in considers Depression as an excuse)...However, despite these heartening signs the sad feeling resides inside me all the time... It gets smothered once i am busy but being busy itself is not the cure as i have found... The answer lies in social contact, the warmth and the feeling of being understood by someone whose physically there for me...That doesnt mean i dont cherish the fact that i have found you guys... i appreciate that thoroughly but still the thing that i miss is what always stays inside me...

[lonegael]

Good job! I know it ccan feel like faking it, but it sounds like you are definitely fighting back. The gym sounds like a really good idea. That way you can get your endorphines up and feel a little getter for a while, and feel less icky in general . Take care, and keep swinging those punches!

Good luck, CK23.

[CK23]

Yea... I Would Say Thank You As Always... I Still Feel Though That My Depression Has Gotten Stronger... It's Surprising When You Consider That I Am Adult Now And A Lot Smarter Than When I Was An Adolescent... I Have The Weapon Of Experience In My Hand... Still The Astonishing Part Is That When I Do Things In An Orderly Fashion And When I Communicate And Get Things Done I Feel Like Crying And There's A Sharp Sinking Sensation Inside Me... I Feel That My Triumphs Have Made Me More Depressed Than Happy... How Much Sense Does That Make?

hey CK23,
i know that feeling too. accomplishing things but feeling no sense of reward is also a sign of depression. i've been there. sometimes, you can't let your feelings run your life. sometimes you have to tell yourself - there's that problem feeling again. i get all this done and i feel no different than before. sometimes feelings return because you've experienced them before and there is some comfort in them. step outside your feeling comfort zone and celebrate what you've accomplished. when you're planning some activity for which a reward is due, don't forget to plan how you're going to celebrate the accomplishment. get ahead of those pesky old feelings and when they arise, recognize them and tell them you're not going there because they are inappropriate. granted, sometimes you might feel too tired to challenge them. in which case, realize that you're tired and will fight another day. then, get some needed rest! that's the message your mind and body are really giving you. getting needed rest is a great reward for a mission accomplished. all the best to you.
UG

[*freak*]

That's exactly how I feel, you explained it very well. No advice, just letting you know you're not alone. Keep posting if it helps

[CK23]

I agree with both you guys... And thank you so much for your replies... Sending you tons of good luck!

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Ck23))))

Still sitting with you and listening. I know that feeling of depression getting stronger and I feel myself getting sucked in more and more. I know how hope seems to disappear or maybe it never was. But if we keep chipping away at it little by little and keep coming here and sharing what we feel and what is going on----little by little we can chip back and defeat that depression. It takes time and persistence but it can be done. Reaching out and sharing what is going on is one way to take back what is in the grips of depression. For it does not want us to share but to retract back and close down.

I am so glad you are reaching and sharing. Let us walk with you. Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing. Remember we care. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts.

dps