[turquoisesea]

I can't live in reality.

I never have.

I want to.

I hide in the computer.

I get SUCKED into despair at the apartment and the work that must be done to clean it.

I'm held down by this place.

I'm SICK OF THIS.

Even when I get out to be with friends it makes me TIRED. Why am I so TIRED? Why does it exhaust me so much?

Why can't I just clean the kitchen and bake? Why does the dirtiness destroy me?

why am I such a loser?

[Lboogieg]

You're not a loser hun. ((((turquoisesea)))) I hate that feeling of getting sucked into despair; that's how I feel a lot. It's like quicksand for me. Whenever I feel like I'm getting close to escaping the pit it sucks me in again. I try to hold on to the positive feelings I have when I have them, but they always end up evading me eventually.

Honestly, I feel like I can't live in reality sometimes either. I love talking to you guys on here but I'm hiding from everyone I know IRL. There's so much I tell you guys that I don't tell even my own parents. I just don't trust anyone around me to understand what I'm going through or take it seriously.

We both just have to hang in there. Hold on tightly to what you do have and keep your arms and heart open to what you don't. We'll find what we're looking for eventually. 'Til then, we're (I'm) right here with you.

You know that being depressed takes a lot of energy. Being tired is not surprising. Even though we already know what we may do to make our lives better, we need periodic reminders.

Instead of focusing on being tired after visiting friends, congratulate yourself that you got out of your apartment to be with friends. Often getting out is not easy. You did good!

As I recall, you and your boyfriend live in that apartment. Decide on a cleaning schedule. Break it down into increments if cleaning the whole apartment at one time is too stressful. One of you might clean the bathroom while the other does the kitchen. Whatever works.

Most importantly, get rid of the loser talk. Just banish that negative crapola forever.

Good luck.

[Mini moo]

Turquoisesea..... I know what you mean but, I feel like a loser at times. Losers are just a stereo type (the dont matter because they mean different things to different groups of people). You do not have a negative charge. your charge is neutral and people will still be drawn to you. I am here if you need me. You can contact me. I will listen and try to help. I don't like how you are feeling, but keep fighting. You may feel like you are in jail but atleast you have long visiting hours.

[lonegael]

Ditto on the negative talk TS. It's really not good for you and it doesn't even do any good for anyone else. Take a deep breath, keeping an apartment clean is NOT the biggest priority in your life, so stop focussing on it because it's something your having trouble doing? (((((((Turquoise))))))))). Let the guy do some of it. Put yourself in a hot bath and let yourself vege a bit. Huggs and spoinl yourself.

[Rohag]

Hi, Turquoisesea!

Here we talk a lot about getting help with our depression. Depression is such a monster that sometimes (often? almost always?) self-help isn't enough. Has your apartment reached the stage of being too messy for you to handle on your own? There's no shame in seeking help to clean it. Your boyfriend would be the obvious first helper, but can you find others? (Or, is this whole suggestion ridiculous because your boyfriend wouldn't want others to see the apartment in its current condition?)

Unfortunately, there's no "Clean Apartment" button next to "Submit Reply" and "Preview Post." I'd use it if it were available. If I were your neighbor and you were to ask, I would help you clean as best I could. I'm sure many of your PC friends would do the same. That would be a cool party!

[Berries]

(((((((((((Turquoisesea))))))))))

You are definitely not a loser. It sounds like you are overwhelmed, lonely, afraid, and depressed AND very hard on yourself.
I know all about that. I can totally relate. Would you call me a loser?
And you do way more than I do. Would you still call me a loser?
Probably not.
So, don’t be so hard on yourself.
I’ll try not to be either.

[shezbut]

((((turquoisesea))))

I agree with Berries completely

Try not to be so hard on yourself honey. Some days, weeks, and months can be darn tough to simply get through ~ never mind the extra responsibilities that always pop up in our lives. Hope that you find a relaxing relief very soon!

Shez

p.s. your avatar is very peaceful to me & brings me positive thoughts

[turquoisesea]

Thank you everyone. Since posting yesterday your words have helped bring my mood up at least a little whenever I read them. Thank you for that.

I wrote in my journal tonight, and though the entry is pretty negative the reflection after writing that cleared my head alot.

I realized that the main stress is coming from the troubles locating an apartment to live in. I have been narrowminded, and telling myself "If you can't find a room mate for this place you can't afford it so you have to live in the dorms". However after running the figures this place split between just my boyfriend and I is LESS than the dorms. It's MUCH more than what I'm paying for rent right now which is why I'm so hard on myself. But i'm NOT sleeping right, I'm not functioning right, and some of that is due to lack of space and lack of a seperate BEDROOM. We simply need more space.

Realizing this makes me feel better.

There's much more on my plate, but we'll see.

Journal entry if you're interested: http://turquoisesea.livejournal.com/11655.html

[googley]

(((((((turquoisesea))))))
You are not a looser. You are wonderful.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( turquoisesea )))))))))))))))
You're a great human being.
I agree about banishing the negative labels - loser and crapola. Hard to do... essential though.
(haven't worded this well, hope you understand.. my bear brain is tired )

[lonegael]

That's a way to beat the catastrophizing, Turquoise! Just doing the math! Good for you! It's a step in the right direction and not the easiest to make. See? Ol' depression can't tell the truth to save his life Huggs, friend!

[*freak*]

Glad you feel a little better (((((Turquoisesea)))))

[Tumnus]

(((((Turquoisesea)))))

[Berries]

(((((((((((Turquoisesea)))))))))))

Please keep us posted!!

[Mykk3i]

"[ depression worns ones out but again i have no idea why we still have depression.....
feel sad to hear u feeling the same thing as me..well partially...since everyone is different.... hope u get ur hyper moments ?