[megsfun]

I'm writing because I have grown up with my mom who suffers from severe major depression and I have never been able to talk to anyone who shares my experience. I was hoping there's someone else out there I could talk to? If there is, please let me know I'd love to talk.

[clmesq]

Originally Posted by megsfun

I'm writing because I have grown up with my mom who suffers from severe major depression and I have never been able to talk to anyone who shares my experience. I was hoping there's someone else out there I could talk to? If there is, please let me know I'd love to talk.

You are not alone. This is why I joined this website.

[Naturefreak]

(((megsfun)))
So sorry you are going through this.

[(JD)]

My mom became depressed during the last year of her life. I'm sure it contributed to her declining health and passing. But it was a circle where her declining health deepened her depression.

Part of my problem was that no one else in the family would agree that mom was depressed. They were in denial. We could have done much more for her with a concerted effort.

I'm sorry you are suffering with a mom who suffers also.
Does she KNOW she's depressed? Does she take medication for it, does she go to talk therapy? Or is she in denial and continues to deteriorate?

Not knowing the above answers I would still say to you to remember to do good self care. You have to take time and effort to keep yourself as healthy as possible (and no, it's not being selfish) so that you can work to help your mom.

Encouragement is needed for your mom, even though she won't be able to hear it for a while. If she's chronically depressed then remind her that she does have better times, and will have them again. Help her to not focus on the here and now feelings, but to focus on that fact that she will have a better day before too long.

[Junerain]

I'm a good listener..

...Do you feel you missed out on being a child, due to worry?

Had to grow up fast?

How severe is your mother's depression, exactly?

How are YOU doing with YOUR life, YOUR emotions, and YOUR mental health?

I think the more you write, the more it will get out, and the more we can help you..

Hugs

[Merlin]

Both of my parents, and a former step-parent had/have major depression and/or dysthymia. They had it during my childhood and they have it now. I also have a mood disorder now, bipolar 2, so that also, undoubtedly, affects how I view events and people.

[lonegael]

I have a mood disorder and two kids. I'd let you talk to them but nwither is a great talker, unfortunately they aren't doing much writing . I know that there were a lot of things I couldn't give them thatthey needed and that I wanted to be able to give them. Sometimes I was too sick to see. I know they felt neglected, unseen and bored most of the time and worried a bit of that. that's no way for a kid to feel. They need more patience than I could give them during my depressive periods. Sigh.
My guess is that you had to grow up really fast, and had to watch your step, clean up after everyone and make sure for yourself that your clothes and food and books were ready for school every evening. I really hope that your mom was more capable then that. Anyway, we went through that, and if you need to post, there are plenty more on this site who also understand, dear. I wish you the very best, and hope that you get some good information and support from this site. Take care. Hugs.

[SWA 1971]

I'm sorry! My mom battled depression when I was younger, but I don't remember anything about it. We're here for you!

[AuburnSunshine]

Originally Posted by lonegael

My guess is that you had to grow up really fast, and had to watch your step, clean up after everyone and make sure for yourself that your clothes and food and books were ready for school every evening.

Whoaaaa ~

Yep, were you living with me? I never saw my mother much during the day all of grade school, junior high and high school. She was in bed when I left for school (always got up and off by myself) and in bed when I came home. I fixed my own dinner, took my bath and put myself to bed every night. I always assumed she slept all day because she watched TV all night.

She never attended school conferences, plays...anything. Looking back on it, it was so "par for the course" for me that I never realized there was anything wrong until she and my father killed themselves. As I sank into my depression after that stunner, I began to understand her avoidant and depressive behavior.

It's been 10 years since their deaths but only recently have I begun to acknowledge that my lingering and deepening depression, although triggered by a horrendous life situation, is genetic. I've never understood why I feel "broken" and why I can't shake the depression and move forward.

But if I give into that feeling...that this one little gene was lying dormant within me for so many years...

...that despite my mother and my childhood and a few other traumatic events/situations I was happily married with two children, a professional career and lots of friends...

...until one day a nuclear bomb was dropped on that poor little helpless gene...

...if I think that way then there really is no going back, no becoming whole after breaking.

Because, like Humpty Dumpty and his wish for all the king's men...blah, blah, blah...I'll still be nothing but splattered yolk.

Well, that was a fun post. And a ho, ho, ho to all of you as well!

Melanie

[idontknow13]

((((((Megsfun))))) ((((((AuburnSunshine))))))
I was and am a mother who suffers from depression, I understand how hard it must be for the kids, you did not ask to be born to depressed parents...I hope you find people in your path who will comfort you and guide you to a better life...but be assured that your parents love you.

[AuburnSunshine]

Originally Posted by idontknow13

((((((Megsfun))))) ((((((AuburnSunshine))))))
I was and am a mother who suffers from depression, I understand how hard it must be for the kids, you did not ask to be born to depressed parents...I hope you find people in your path who will comfort you and guide you to a better life...but be assured that your parents love you.

idontknow13 ~

I was a wonderful parent because I knew how I DIDN'T want to parent. I have son with a Down's syndrome who works full time at Home Depot (with full benefits!), lives with another young man, balances his checkbook, does his shopping, etc. He's such an inspiration and I'm SO proud of him!!

On the other hand, my daughter is beautiful with a genius IQ...she's been an international model, a professional dancer and a general all-round pain in the rear. She was spoiled rotten and everything came easily for her.

But beginning when she was 13 she would fly into rages and physically, verbally and emotionally abuse us (her father, brother and me) and her friends. She has put four boyfriends in the hospital...has thrown me down steps, held a butcher knife to my throat, hit me with a car...along with numerous slaps and punches.

However, her emotional and verbal abuse has destroyed me completely. I'm ugly, fat, skinny, stupid, a loser,no one will ever love/want me and on and on...and now I'm MENTALLY ILL! She has totally destroyed and broken me and it's a struggle for me to live each day.

She's taken everything I have and put me in a group home...I have two pair of pants and three tops - all used...long story but it's depressing in itself.

So...she had a wonderful childhood with two parents who adored her. She's more "mentally ill" than many I have come in contact with lately but sees nothing wrong with her behavior. There's nothing wrong with her! But I'm delusional because I don't think I'm mentally ill.

Didn't mean to rant like this but it really does piss me off that I had two depressed parents (in retrospect my father was as well along with a 15 year ritalin addiction that none of us knew about until he almost landed in prison) and was fine until 10 years ago. She had a joyous, spoiled childhood and is a terror now. But she's not sick.

I understand we all have individual lessons to learn during this lifetime...just wish it all seemed more "fair" or "even-steven!"

~ Melanie

[lonegael]

Ah (((((((((Melanie))))))))). I think the story about your son is wonderful but that's awfull about your daughter. Do you have any idea what is going on with her? Did she have you declared incompetent for some reason? I'm so sorry that this has happened to you after you worked so hard to over come the past. HUggs dear. I really hope that somehow you can see some light in the darkness.

[AuburnSunshine]

Life became so difficult...money running out, she wouldn't give me any, physically, verbally and emotionally abusing me on a daily basis...that I tried to "check out" last year. I was "saved" (woohoo, lucky me) but while I was in a drug induced coma in Intensive Care for a month she got the doctor to write a note...on a prescription pad!!!...that I was mentally ill and she was granted guardianship of me.

As my guardian she has taken everything of mine...said she had thrown out or given away at least 3/4 of all my possessions. I'm not allowed to drive my car (she drives it!); she stopped paying the mortgage on my condo so it's in foreclosure with my beautiful furniture still in it; the few things she kept are in a storage unit but she won't allow me to go through it.

I just found out two days that my condo has been in foreclosure since last April but she has been renting it for $1,100 a month. I haven't seen a penny of that money...each month I struggle with $143 from the state to pay for a private physician and medications because I have not yet qualified for SSI and Medicaid. She gives me nothing to help with these costs.

Last month I had a horrible sinus infection and no money to see a doctor. She said she would give me some money if I gave her some of my pills...that's been going on for years. However, my caregiver knew the situation and watched the "transaction." I gave her three of my Klonipin and she gave me $100...she would have given me more had I given her my Lortabs but I need them too much.

As I mentioned, I'm living in a group home now. It's that or the streets...she doesn't care and she has said so.

So what's wrong with her? At the age of 14 she was diagnosed as bipolar but even I knew that was incorrect. The only other diagnosis has been Borderline PD and Narcissistic PD but that came from my psychiatrist when he demanded that she be included in several sessions.

I'm classified as mentally ill because I seriously tried to kill myself. She's seeing a therapist "about how to deal with me" but she's so manipulative and narcissistic that I doubt her therapist thinks anything is wrong with her. Alas, poor child, she's struggling with dealing with a mentally ill parent and that takes more energy than she has.

She's being arraigned this morning for hitting me with the car but she doesn't know it. Apparently they sent her summons to the wrong address. When I tried to tell her that she needed to be here for this court date, she looked at me and said I was delusional...that I was making it up in my head...oh poor mother, you're so mentally ill. You jumped in front of my car trying to kill yourself again.

After a pause, however, she turned to me and said "And if I am in trouble because of that I WILL kill you."

It's just another merry day of ho, ho, ho ~

Melanie

[Junerain]

Can you set some boundaries between you and your daughter? People treated me terrible for years until I learned the meaning of 'boundaries..'

I feel for you, I really do. My heart goes out to you, love Junerain

[thunderbear]

Hey megs. My mom was depressed and an alcoholic. She also dissociated really bad sometimes and would forget how to get home from work. She was a good mother as far as I can remeber though. She would have "spells" where she could'nt get out of bed. I have always thought it was because she had severe bells palsy though. It was hard but she always made sure we knew that we were loved.

AuburnSunshine, look in the yellow pages under attorneys for the phone number of your state's bar association. Ask to be referred to an attorney that specializes in guardianships. Because you have no control over your funds, you may well be entitled to representation at a reduced rate or for free.

It is highly unlikely a doctor has the authority to establish a guardianship unilaterally. Most often a court proceeding is required, even if the ward consents. Guardians are fiduciaries. Most states require that the guardian provide a bond to cover defalcations. Guardians are also required to periodically file an accounting with the court to ensure the guardian does not profit from self-dealing.

Furthermore, most states have provisions for limited guardianships. In other words, the guardian is only given those powers necessary to protect the ward from harm.

In view of what you have said, I cannot conceive of a judge making your daughter your guardian. If a guardianship is deemed necessary, a neutral party without an axe to grind should be appointed.

Of course, I do not expect I have all of the information about what occurred. Based upon what you have described, however, what is going on is outrageous and likely illegal.

Good luck.

[AuburnSunshine]

I've been trying for the last year and a half to find a lawyer who will help me gratis. First, it is extremely easy to gain guardianship in Nevada...much easier than other states. Second, legal aid lawyers will take on all kinds of child guardianship cases but they hide in the alleys when it comes to adult guardianships.

There are so many things wrong with the situation. She's supposed to live in the same state as I do but she doesn't; she lives in California and gets to Las Vegas once or twice a month. That makes her ineligible to be my guardian but she is.

She also has been arrested and convicted of physical domestic abuse against me...here in NV. Again, that makes her ineligible but the court wouldn't listen to me without an attorney.

I did find an attorney who would help me overturn the guardianship...beginning with a $2,000 upfront retainer fee. I don't have that...she has all my money.

I could go on and on but you probably get the picture. I do believe these last two situations will help me get the guardianship overturned. One, that she demanded my controlled substances before she would give me money; and two, that she hit me with her car, throwing me about 20 feet into the air onto the asphalt.

If this doesn't help and she is thrown in jail for the car assault charge (they've charged her with a felony and issued a bench warrant for her arrest), I have no doubt that she WILL kill me when she gets out because man-0h-man is she going to be pissed!

Thank you for your replies and kindnesses...I'm in a deep, dark well and not seeing much daylight so to hear from people who are so nice and don't think I'm crazy is a toe-hold of hope in climbing up and out.

~ Melanie

[VickiesPath]

Hi Megsfun,

I was really interested to read the title of your thread.

I have a 16 year old son (he'll be 16 on Dec 30) who went back to KS to live with his dad 1 1/2 years ago when high school started because he liked it better there than in AZ. He has a half-sister and half-brother there, his dad and a nephew. He's really close to his sister, they both like art and his sister's husband is his really good friend and teaches English in the high school he goes to.

His dad and I divorced when he was 3. We moved to AZ when he was 5. He went back to KS 3-4 times a year and I always paid, making sure he saw them as often as possible. His dad didn't have the greatest parenting skills, but he had every right to have a relationship with him.

As for my mental illness, I am bipolar. I've never been very sick. In fact, my son was the reason for all those 14 years that I got up every morning and fixed him breakfast in bed, packed his lunch, put him on the bus and met him when he came home. He gave me a purpose to keep going when the depression consumed me. I very seldom spent days in bed or failed to cook for him. I devoted myself to his welfare. The only problem was, I had physical disabilities. My left leg and back are messed up and I used to use a wheel chair and an electric scooter. So, I always felt guilty about handing him off to his older step-sister and her husband to go to fun stuff like go to the amusement park. One time we did go to Disneyland and I rented a scooter and we had a blast.

Not too long ago, I wrote to him and asked him about why he moved back to KS. He tried to blame things on my illness but it wasn't a very good argument. He is a terrific young man. Very self motivated with honors grades and he does his homework without being told and he's into art and wants to learn to blow glass. He did tell me that his brother in law, who's married to his sister is his best friend and he never dreamed he'd have a friend like him. So that made me happy. What drew him there was his friendship with his sister and her husband, not what I didn't or couldn't give him.

So, in spite of my illness, my son was the joy of my life and inspired me to fight my illness and still give him a "normal" life. This was because I was raised by two alcoholic parents who, when they had time to spend with us, chose to spend it with their drunk friends. I wasn't a perfect mother. No mother is a perfect mother. And many mentally ill parents are a lot sicker than I am. But it's really hard sometimes. It's hard to take care of ourselves and it hurts us inside if we can't take care of you.

A year ago I fell down our stairs and broke my left leg into four pieces. They put metal rods inside my leg. My husband watched me work and struggle to learn to walk again. My leg kept wanting to buckle on me, but I kept fighting, using a walker to drag myself around the house until the muscles were strong enough to hold me up. My hands had callouses that split and bled on the palms. My leg had purple bruises from the hip all the way to the ankle. But gradually, over three months, my leg straightened out and I was able to put weight on it and walk upright. The reason I pushed myself so hard was because I had an airline ticket to fly to Kansas to visit my son. I was not suppose to be able to walk for another two months. I took my smalll portable scooter with me.

Later, I told my husband to recall all the work and sheer determination it took for me to learn how to walk. I then pointed out to him that if you think that when a person has mental illness, all that determination and self-discipline is the VERY THING that is taken away from the person and they do not have the ability to use it to help themselves to do any of the things they need to do on a daily basis to simply function normally.

I know this probably doesn't ease your pain much. It's only my story. Just thought I'd toss it in.

[AuburnSunshine]

Vickie ~

Have you told your son how much he means to you...how much he helped you through such dark times...how he gave you purpose? I would think (hope) that a letter with that said...what you told us...would help him to more readily understand the constant struggle your life has been.

He may poo-poo it now but I believe it would resonate within his spirit.

{{{{{{{Vickie}}}}}}}} Know that you are love and cherished ~

Melanie

[redredblueblue22]

hi
i now how your feeling i can relat my mom as sufferd depression sence i can remeber she sleep all the time never smiles never does enything much its hard its like shes not there i hate seeing her this way and im afraid i will be the same if i have kids because i suffer from deppression also. im sorry if this is not much help im not to good at posting replys but Just remeber your not alone people are here for you

[lonegael]

(((((((You guys)))))))) It doesn't have to be the same thing even if it turns out thatyou also get depressed. all too often we thingk that because we have the same problem that a parent does, we ARE that parent. We aren't. I'm not a drunk. I'm not a contriól freak like my mom, and I don't chase my kids around with a razor strop just because I have my father's eyes, my mom's trouble with weight, and my grandma's nitro temperament. You'll see what is happening. You'll have a better chance at getting help, and you'll know in what ways your kids will need you. It's never an all or nothing deal, dears. Just the fact that you're here means that you take this seriously. True love for the kids you in some cases don't even have yet. But it's love none the less. Huggs. You are wonderfull.

[sas123]

Hi there. My Dad has been depressed as long as I can remember. Its very difficult trying to deal with moodswings when your going through puberty and exams!
As a result we never had a very good relationship, but I do regret that I didn't give him enough support when I lived at home.
We get on better now and sometimes its good having a Dad whos been through a similar situation to me!

Hang in there. Just remember that she does still love you despite being unable to communicate it well.

[Persey]

i think i do too
and i think my mum is the one who contributed to my depresion and anger problem..
sometimes she is so crazy that she said she is going to stab my dad.. woah

and yes she will do whatever things to make me feel bad and such... and now i having problem im managing my own depression

[Merlin]

I know my parent love me with everything they have. Sometimes it's what keeps me alive. I wish that they hadn't had depression when I was growing up, but at least they understand some of what I am going though and support me 100%, visiting me in the hospital, giving me a place to stay when I couldn't work, helping me pay for therapy. They're the biggest supports I have right now.