low and sinking lower

Went to my gp and he's signed me off work for two weeks.

Had a challenging afternoon. Got to my university's student health department at 1.50pm. By 2.15pm I'd gotten so anxious I'd scratched the skin off the top of my hand. My psychiatrist finally arrived at 2.20pm but then she chatted to the other staff so didn't call me until 2.25pm. By this point I was panicking. Talked to her about what's been happening and she read the report a&e had sent her. Then it was 2.45pm so she told me to come back in two weeks, got the receptionist to call me a taxi and phoned the psychologist to say I was on my way.

Was completely freaking out in the taxi. Got to the hospital at 3.10pm and ran to the psychology department. My psychologist asked me what felt like a million questions about how I was feeling and she read the emails I'd printed out and the other stuff I'd written. She asked me if I felt like self harming or was having suicidal thoughts today and I said yes. We went through all the distractions I usually do, but I told her they're not working at the moment. She then asked if I would go to a&e again if I felt like I was going to act on my thoughts. I said I might but I didn't know because they weren't very helpful. She got a bit worried at that point and I told her I didn't know if I could trust myself to stay safe. Then she went to find her supervisor, who told her she should phone my psychiatrist. They talked on the phone and decided they would contact the crisis team. So now someone is going to come to my flat tomorrow afternoon to assess me. After making sure I'd be okay she let me leave at 5pm.

What a difficult day for you. Thank you for being so courageous and open. I truly hope this is the start of something better for you. Good luck.

The crisis team phoned me this morning and said they were coming between 11-12.

Was completely panicking before they came... didn't know what to expect.

They turned up at 11.20am and asked me loads of questions. Gave me phone numbers to call if I can't cope with the thoughts in my head and then they said they would come back on Monday.

Did the panic stop once the team arrived?

Phoebe,

Just read all the post's from the last time I was on here.

Hope you are ok? I am glad you got something out of your appointments. 2 weeks off will help you. Try and clear your head of clutter etc. I know easier said than done.

What my friends asked me when I took time off was have you got anything planned for your time off? They thought I would dit and mope or something. Anyways I would say that to you, try and so something to take your mind off of things.

Hopefully you will in time feel better.

We are all here for you!!!!

How are you doing, dear. It sounds like you were at least taken seriously, but what a hectic, nervewracking day. Here's hoping you have some peace today to make up for it.

Still feeling crap.

Was really panicky while the crisis team (two nurses) were here. Freaked me out when one of them said their job was to keep people out of hospital.

Had my university class tonight (I'm a part time post graduate student in autism) and felt completely disconnected. It was really triggering as well because we were talking about aspergers, cbt, depression, self harm and suicidal thoughts.

I just want the thoughts in my head to go away.

Hi PM,

At the end of 2007 I was admiited into my fav psych unit for a month.......just absolutely cracked it. The irony of it is that I was admitted to the same hospital I had worked at for 5 years. I was working in Pathology at the time and studying Science and physically unwell. Terrible time.

So on my way through the main building of the hospital to get ct scans on my brain and so on, I ran into colleagues. Here I was with my trusty hospital wristband and psych nurse perched practically on my shoulder. It was a strange time. I remember ringing my boss from the psych ward and asking him if there was any work he needed me to do. Yep, I was "out there". He was very patient with me. He said "No Michah, you are not meant to be working. You are meant to be resting. Do not come to work!".......I would only have to walk up the hill to get to my lab.

So don't worry about crying in front of your boss.......just think of me and laugh if you can. For at the time it was horrible, but a sense of humour gets us through the darkest of times. And most people will be very accomodating.

Oh and I also used to sing over and over "Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care" to my boss all the time. I have AS and it helped with really stressful times. So, yep.....he put up with alot......but he also made me Training Supervisor. For depsite my obvious eccentricities, I was good at my job.......and you are too babe.....

Take care of self.......and all else shall follow.



Michah

I was really glad to hear someone mention humor. Without making jokes about my own "crazyness" or episodes, I doubt I would be able to carry on. I like the idea that life is funny.

Sometimes it's just not funny though, or the humor can only be made when you're ready.

(((((((((phoebe monkey))))))))) You will get through the coming days and things will settle down. Life is full of ups and downs...thinking of you.

Part of me wants them to admit me to the psych ward because I really don't feel safe. But then again, I have a bit of a phobia of hospitals (my younger brother was in and out of hospital for leukaemia when I was 9-11 and it terrified me). Plus it's my birthday next weekend and I'm scared they would keep me in during that.

I just don't feel like I can cope anymore

Sweet person.......

As much as hospital is horrible(they also terrify me due to multiple admissions and my beautiful stepmother having luekeamia) it is also a life raft. If you feel that you are in danger, you must get help.

Whether it is hospital or more time with your T, social worker or whomever, you need to be safe. Saftey is your #1 priority......GET HELP IRL PLEASE.

You are too important to not get the help you need......get the help to bring the darkness into the light.......we are with you!!!!

You can do this........

Michah

My flatmate is still around atm so I'm going to go to bed at the same time as her so I can't act on any of my thoughts.

If I still feel this unsafe tomorrow I'll phone the crisis team.

May you find the strength to do what is best for you, phoebe monkey. Good luck.

Ended up going home to my parent's house yesterday. Knew my flatmate would be at her boyfriend's house so I wasn't going to be safe alone in the flat.

Back in my flat now though... and feeling crap. I've got an assignment to write but I just can't concentrate- my head's like mush.

You are too valuable a person not to take the steps that will help you. You will be safe in the hospital and will get the care you need. Your birthday will be memorable for the courage you displayed in choosing to make a better life for yourself.

Good luck.

I agree, Phoebe. Plese, please get help. The world needs precious people like you. We can't afford to miss you! HUGGGGS safe and many.

Feeling awful. My head is really sore... have a splitting headache.

Felt tired this afternoon so had a nap at 4pm- didn't wake up until 9pm (it's almost 11pm now). My head's even more messed up now. Wide awake but know I should be asleep.

My friend is texting me... she's asking what's been going on. I'm a bit worried she'll freak out. Can't handle that right now.

God Phoebe,

Right 1stly is your friend asking about you etc? I think you should tell her as you need people to listen to you and you need someone's opinion.

2nd I know all about crap sleep. I have been going to bed at 1am on instruction from my doc as my insomnia got worse and worse for the past 2 months and I get better sleep now at time not but majority of time yes.

Maybe have a hot drink and try and wind down then see if you can sleep. A hot drink is meant to be soothing if not what about a hot bath etc. That may stop you from being an insomniac like moi :-)

Hope you feel better after a good night's sleep

Been watching dvds on my laptop but still wide awake and still have a headache (took paracetamol earlier but it didn't help).

I told my friend about the crisis team etc, but now she's not replied again so I'm a bit worried I freaked her out. When I was really low back in July she came over here with her flatmate (who I know) and one of our other friends at 1am and they all sat and asked me millions of questions while I panicked. That was just because I had been self harming... so now that I'm having suicidal thoughts god knows what she's thinking.

Bit concerned that I have no appetite what so ever- have lost several pounds in the last week just because I haven't been eating properly. Today I only had bread and butter for lunch and a biscuit. Slept through dinner and had no breakfast. Then there's the little voice in my head that says I'm too fat anyway, so that's all I should be eating. Have enough issues without adding food to that list.

Aargh. Why won't my head stop pounding? It hurts

Finally got to sleep at 5am and woke up just after 10am.

Going to go to the shops and get some food supplies and painkillers. Headache has come back again.

you are here so not hiding from everyone - you can do it - step out of the shadow

Went shopping earlier and I was completely 'out of it'. Felt like I was going to collapse at any minute or throw up and I staggered around the supermarket.

Have a plan in my head to self harm really badly until I cover my arms in cuts. The crisis team is coming back to check on me tomorrow so I'm a bit concerned if they find out what I'm planning they'll get angry.

It might be good to ask your self exactly why you are planning this, why so badly, and if the crisis team is really going to be so angry? It sounds like your inner pressure is just racking up, but see if you can't try something other than SI to handle it, OK? Hey, you're here, so you have at least one hand on the keyboard and your eyes on the screen... Huggs, dear. Wish i could make the pain go away just for a bit.

Can you call the crisis team and tell them the crisis is now?

pheobe monkey