i want to be strong

I desperately want to be strong. I desperately want to bear this pain with dignity. Why then do i act like such a victim? Why do i give up so easily? Why is the very thought of being strong quickly followed by fear? I imagine what i could be but then i get caught up in the depression reality...which is my reality, for better or worse. I thought resting, hiding, stopping would help me regain my strength...but in actual fact i've hidden for so long i've got no life left, and i STILL have no strength to live one, let alone re-start it! I should have just maintained the last one, however bad. But i couldn't....i'll give myself that one concession in the tirade of guilt/yelling in my brain. I desperately want to have a 'phoenix out of the ashes' style transformation, rather than feeling like a snail - small, insignificant and slow. Is that egotistical or just plain desperate?

So sorry about how you are doing. Your pain jumps right off the page. You speak the words of the depressed. Is the illness, not a personal failing or lack of will, that has you in desperation.

Do you have a therapist? Are you on any antidepressants? Call your therapist if you are and ask for help. If you have no therapist, you need one. You are in crisis and require professional help. Please take action now.

Good luck. Please let us know how you are doing.

Your post leapt out at me, so similar to how I feel - I don't feel as bad as I did but I have such fear about trying to restart things or start new things because, I think, I can't bear failing again. I tried keeping going through depression which didn't work, then tried resting and stopping, and I don't think that works too well either.

But maybe in the long run, making steady - albeit snail slow - progress will lead to a more sustainable recovery? Rather than shouting "Tada! I'm cured!"? A bit like an ex-smoker evangelising on how they stopped and how marvellous it all is, compared to the quieter person who gave up but didn't need to make a big deal over it.

Well, I don't know if that is the case, but I do hope so, for you, and me, and all who are doubting every moment going towards recovery.

May you both find peace and progress.

Thank you, TB - that was very kind.

((((((((((( Abby )))))))))))

(((((((((( theave ))))))))))

(((((( TheByzantine )))))))

Abby...me too...I want to be strong and stay committed to my plan to get out of the hole I have dug. I can't seem to sustain the effort. I know what to do, but I can't do it. I really hope you can, as they say...one step at a time.

Thankyou TheByzantine, theave, Fuzzybear and lucyandgraciesmom for your kind words and encouragement. They were deeply needed. The fear of re-starting life can almost equal the depression sometimes...although perhaps what i really mean is that i fear taking on a life that was essentially destroyed during the last big downward turn. It is ridiculous because that was over 2 years ago now, and yet that void, that immeasurable pain, that sense of hopelessness still lingers on and haunts me. Sometimes it feels safer to remain how I am now, isolated and stuck within small boundries, rather than face the responsibilities and complications of a forward-looking life. I make myself look strong to other people but inside i'm so weak. I'd love if for just one day my external mask of strength was really me. I feel like such a fraud, i desperately want to be that warrior that everyone believes i am.
Thanks for all your kindness, it is a slow, long journey and it gets very tiring so i feel for you all.

The journey is not over. Confucius reminds us, "It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop." Do what you can a day at a time; a step at a time.

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow." ~Mary Anne Radmacher

Good words, Byz.

And I'd like to add, being strong and feeling pain are not mutually exclusive.

Abbey! Im so sorry your having a rough time,I wish i had some great advice to give you,Im so messed up now, that my advice prob isnt the best, but im sending you a hug and tell you im thinking of you.Hang in there!