[CK23]

The sad sinking feeling is just not going away...I feel so upset that I can't enjoy anything now...It all seems so dull and unappealing the movies don't interest me, not even the regular t.v shows I enjoyed... Fast food like Pizza and KFC have become predictable and music seems so annoying even the big hits I fell in love with... Thanks to my mature adult behaviour I have managed to guess what is bothering me and I think it must be the online friend whom I depend on emotionally...I have continued to have breaks before reaching out to her but I became fearful that she'd be annoyed with this approach... I dont know why I think that cos she's been very maternal this whole time apart from the fact that she is never the first one to reach out... It's always been me who reaches out to her first and then she takes me on her wing so last night I told her how i felt about it... I was extra careful to be polite so she wouldnt be offended cos I can really open up to her and I didnt want to screw up...I have been feeling scared and even more low cos of the fear that she may have been unhappy with my post....She hasnt replied yet and my fear is getting worse...

Does your friend know she is responsible for your emotional well-being?

[CK23]

Byzantine I already mentioned that I am seriously obsessed with keeping my distance and respecting her feelings... As I have said before I NEVER thought of this as a romantic relationship and even thought She doesnt know I depend on her only that is not the truth...

[CK23]

It's actually this distance which is the cause of the sinking... I want a normal friendship and it feels sickening to keep reaching out and never be at the receiving end for once... I mean for cying out loud WHAT is wrong with saying a hi and hello now and then... Not everyone of the 7 Billion people in this messed up planet are the President of the United States!

[lonegael]

HMMMM. CK, is your friend from your homeland? I'm wondering, maybe she doens't want to seem like she's chasing after you. I mean it's dumb, friends should be able to be friends whether they belong to the same sex or not, but sometimes everyone else doesn't see things that way. It's unfortunate, but it might be why she has been letting you make the contacts. Huggs, and I really hope that things start looking up, friend.

So, your friend does not know you depend on her, but you are upset because she does not do a better job of it?

[CK23]

@ Byzantine... Exactly! It is paranoid to make someone feel as if you would jump off a cliff if they dont love you...I am 0% upset in my social dealings and daily life cos as odd as it seems despite my agony I am a master fake person and I have only gotten better at my routine life with time and experience... HOWEVER emotionally I am like a little child who is scared and insecure...Everyone needs a warm shoulder no matter if they have a 6 pack figure and a big round face deep inside there is a child who has a strong desire to be loved....She's always been there when I needed her friendship and I think I should at least get a few msgs from her now and then cos this all seems to be like one way traffic... Never a good sign! I guess there may be no traffic left after the msg I sent her... She'd think i've gone over the edge and cut me down... So long to another attempt at reaching out to others!

[sanityseeker]

CK23... I can so relate to the two sides of you. The public adult persona and the private emotional child. I will engage with people and look every bit the all together sociable, intellegent and together woman only to fall apart in private from the strain of upholding a false persona. I will leave those situations with a mix of embarrassment and rage. Embarrassment with my own imaginings of having messed up somewhere (the perfectionist's criticism) and enraged because no one saw my neediness (the lonely child's hurt). To prevent myself from being dragged down by these racing thoughts and emotions I have learned to repeat over and over to myself 'No replays, no regrets allowed'. I say it until the thoughts stop pushing their way into my head and they can no longer create their chaos.

I think sometimes if I want people to be there for me... to be availble to comfort me emotionally I need to be more authentic with them from the start. Easier said than done because it takes a good amount of trust and a willingness to be disappointed sometimes.

That is were balance becomes really critical. How to be both strong and vulnerable at the same time. How to be an adult and a child at the same time. How to not be needy while expressing a need. How to communicate our truth without feeling over exposed. How to nurture friendships with equal give and take. I am much better at giving than taking and tend to reserve taking from a select few. Often those people go from my life quickly because I think I swamp them with my neediness. Again I see it as not effectively balancing my adult giver with my child taker. My ideal friendship would be one where I was authentic about both my needs and my gifts.

Not sure if that makes any sense to you or is relevant to your situation but thought I would share it with you anyways.

I can appreciate you feeling hurt right now because your friend is seeming distant from you. I get that totally. Rationale or not your little child is feeling neglected and is fearful of having lost a source of love and support. It is a painful place to be.

What would your thinking say if you put yourself in her shoes. Putting aside any thought that this is a one way friendship and she wants to cut you out what other reason could there be for her not responding to you yet? Could it be that she may have other things pressing on her to deal with right now? Could it be that she is busy and plans to get back to you when she has the time? Could it be as has already been mentioned that she does not know how dependant you are right now? If so how can she be held accountable for what she doesn't know? How can her response to you or lack of response be judged if the basis of the judgement requires her to know something she doesn't?

Perhaps she is feeling overloaded by your need and is concerned about the dependancy. That's a lot of pressure. She may feel she has to be very careful in her communications with you because her words and actions have so much weight. In her shoes it may be that she is unsure of her next move and that has taking her time before making any move. It could be any number of a million imaginable scenerios.

Perhaps it is more important now and in the long run for you to balance your needs from her. To not have all your eggs in one basket so to speak. If one becomes dependant on one person for all of their emotional needs it seems inevitable to me based on my own experiences that the relationship is going to break. That is too much for a single relationship to withstand.

The only other thought I have, and again these are just my thoughts on the subject and you may well have a totally different take on your own situation because we are all different but I think, in my ideal world, we have to be accountable for what we don't communicate the same way we are accountable for what we do communicate. If you have not communicated the depth of your need for her to initiate contact with you, to nurture a two way communication then you can't interpret her reactions with totally clarity. She may well think it is perfectly fine the way it is. Unless you communicate why you are feeling hurt then she can not even know it is an issue. None of us can know what another is thinking or what another needs unless the communication is clear.

And finally, if she is feeling overloaded by you then how do your process that? How do you take forward from that a learning opportunity that goes back to living a life separating your adult persona with your child needs? The million dollar question I know and one like I say I still grapple with myself. The point is it may be less about your friend and more about you. The good news is that you can change and control you but you can't change or control your friend. You can effect your own peace and happiness more effectively than can your friend. In fact we must take responsibility for our own peace and happiness before we hold others responsible for meeting those needs. After all isn't that much of what fuels our illnesses? The challenge of finding balance and harmony when negative perceptions get in the way of our reality. Just my thoughts and shared wonderings.

Wishing you well and giving all of you many hugs.

[CK23]

@ Sanity Seeker... I agree with you on all the points...Thanks for the support and just to add some more details...I feel that it isnt fair to be completely dependent on someone for protection and comfort and that is why I executed a strong exercise to develop new relationships... these relationships got blown up despite all the effort and the primary reason for this was lack of interest from the other side... I think it is common sense to assume that a friendship is never a one way street... the other party needs to communicate and express a desire to have contact which sadly has never happened for me...Hence, I have assumed that I need to play the game which everyone else in this society is playing... The game of 'Self Interest' for the record I hate such a game cos it is only about receiving and not giving but unfortunately when you live with people that have materialistic lust you have to mix with the crowd to survive...Sharing stuff with these people was no good since they never liked conversation and would only be interested if the talk was about work assignments or studies, the foreign exchange! Conversation about pain and worry was answered with mean insensitive comments about how whiney I am and how cowardly is my behaviour... I believe sharing your bleeding body is like inviting the lion for dinner where I come from... It's not a pessimistic ramble it is hard cruel experience... Now this lady was very maternal when I met her and I was really taken by her initial behaviour since then I have been doing all I can to ensure that I maintain contact cos I saw true concern for the first time... I was an intern and all interns are given the hard whack in the begining as a lesson to mature which I think is SO not the way to build someone up but my friend was very communicative and easy on the ears when I joined and since then I was so happy (I even got her own performed songs on my mobile as a gift from her)...I just couldnt bear to lose it and I tried and am still trying my utmost to maintain the relationship...I realized that she didnt want contact after the initial period so I stayed back and only made limited contact believing that as soon as she felt I was a good person she'd be less careful with me and more willing to open up to me...However she is still very quiet and only talks when I approach... She's a very bold and confident Woman... She has an MBA degree and has a hard hitting but warm and maternal personality...This is why I need her so much cos I have this illness and complete social isolation baring the fact that I am doing more and more better in my material dealings outside home... I am still a child who needs comfort and a hug and a pat on the cheek...I have stood in her shoes and stood apart realizing she too has her limitations and I need to respect them but the need to be with her and be nourished by her is very strong and formidable... I have good relations with my wife and I have made it my personal duty to support her but I think the person who can nourish me is my friend..If I am protected by her I can protect my family...