[livlife]

I hope I'm posting this in the right spot..If not ..Sorry!!

My husband is clinically depressed. He also has ADHD. He is on meds for both. We've been together for about 7yrs, married for a year and a half. I LOVE him to pieces.

About 3yrs ago he had a falling out with a business associate, this is when I first started noticing some signs of depression. He started drinking, sleeping more, being verbally abusive. I was part in denial, part trying to talk to him to see what I could do to help. Finally he asked me to call a therapist and said he wanted help (yeah!). he stopped drinking cold turkey several months ago. He takes his meds most of the time, and is going to therapy every two weeks. We are also going to couples therapy.

I am struggling to hang on. Living with someone that has depression is so painful. I hurt for him. I want to help him. I've had to watch him lay on the sofa for DAYS on end, not showering, not eating, only getting up to go to the bathroom. He gets very non communicative during these times and any attempts to talk to him end up in him either crying, talking bad about himself, yelling at me,etc..

I want to support him and be there, and work things through. But I don't know if I can take the manipulation and name calling, the lack of sex (thanks to the depression meds) ....I know he has to work on himself...but as a result the relationship between us is dying.

We both are previously married and divorced ..and i don't want to go down that road again. But I've spend too much time on myself working to be happy in this world. I can feel bits of me starting to crash and I just feel alone. I want to help him , but every time I do it seems to make it worse.

To make matters worse, he now says he cannot get a job due to his depression.. We both were self employed before his diagnosis. I am looking every day for a full time job because our self employed business can no longer pay bills. He said he cannot function enough to get a job..in the meantime he had his car repo'd cause he couldn't pay it, and the bill collectors are starting to call. (I still have my car, which I paid off) He said he doesn't care, that his focus is on getting better. That the bills will be there when he's better. Well, I care..I want to pay the bills, so I'm getting a job to hold us together.

Sorry to ramble..sorry to maybe seem as though I am fed up..I'm really just lost. Really just so sad that my husband is in this situation.
thanks for any help.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Livlife!

I suspect there are several "right places" for your post - here is one of them. Other forums where you may find help include Caregivers Support and Relationships & Communication (and others).

Given the duration and depth of your husband's depression, it may be time to look into disability (USA). Although you can apply on your own, working through a lawyer who specializes in disability claims is much easier and statistically much more effective.

Yes, you yourself need support in coping with the depression of a loved one.

[trevorzero]

As a man who suffers from depression, I have a lot of empathy for your husband, but I also believe he is selfishly manipulating you somewhat.

I am very seriously depressed, every single day, but I manage to drag myself off to to a job I hate and I do the things that I have to do. I don't have the energy or enthusiasm for anything extra, and I'm not necessarily much fun to be around, but I make a point (for my own self-respect) to handle the basics.

You have the right to demand more from your husband than what you've been getting. Don't let him put a guilt-trip on you. Any hope for his recovery requires him placing more emphasis on self-discipline. You need to remind him of this as often as it takes.

[Pomegranate]

YOU can't make your husband well. YOU can't get rid of his depression by anything you do - though you can make things worse by not being supportive and not taking care of yourself.

Maybe you should try some counseling for yourself? He's going through hell. He may get better, or he may find that how he is now is the best he's going to be. You have to decide what you want to do. Can you accept him as he is? If not, that does not make you a bad person. Depression is very tough to live with - especially if you have never experienced major depression and therefore do not really understand it.

"To Thine Own Self Be True." Take that to heart. Staying with him out of guilt won't help him or you. If you are not sure, then wait, stop trying to cure or change him and just take care of yourself, accept him as he is. You may be surprised what a difference that makes. Eventually you will know what the right thing to do for you is. Then do it.

[amante]

Livlif,
I can totally relate to what you are going through, but I'm the one suffering and it's my husband who is walking in your shoes. Both sides of life with depression as awful on both parties. a) your husband didn't ask for the dx and I agree with the pp that it might be time to look into Disability. b) the amount of pressure on you girl is enormous, I know because I look in my husband's eyes and see what he has to cope with. Depression effects every aspect of your life, marriage, job, business, family life, children. My entire life went down the tubes and all my dear husband could do was hold on for dear life for the ride, I am disabled on disability with this all now. has your husband possibly looked at switching medications to see if something could work better for him. I have been trial and error with my meds and I am still suffering. I couldn't work with this condition if I tried, your husband is in a very rock bottom place, I can go for days without showering and brushing my teeth, until my husband forces me to get up and do it. I went from being a fulltime working mom to rock bottom too. you need all the support you can get because it's extremely tough for you to live with your husband in this condition. I think you could benefit from seeing a T to work out things to help your marriage. Sending your big hugs, I can feel for you. Hang on there.

[livlife]

Thank you all for all of the advice and support. I had to literally carry him into the shower and help him into the tub a few weeks ago!!! The therapist told me I shouldn't have done that..that I should just have let him be and been there for him..but I just couldn't take it!! In my mind a shower should help..but to him it was killing him!! I felt so bad.

I have been working with a therapist..and will continue to go. Thank you all so much for replying. I'll continue to check out support groups, and links from this site...and just see where the ride takes me for now.

Hugs to all of you going through this horror. Please say a prayer for my husband and myself--I'm not a real religious person, but I'll take all the help I can get! I'll say some prayers for you all too!!!

[lonegael]

Bless you, livlife, sure, you've got my prayers, and make sure that you get some help yourself, therapy if you can afford it, help from a pastor or other councellor if you can't. You are carrying things you were never meant to shoulder, and your husband being so sick, I can see why you try so hard to do everything to make him better. Lke some have said, its not possible for you to make him better, even if you get the brunt of his pain. He has to fight his way through it on his own terms. No, its not right for him to speak abusively to him, even if it is easier to do that when you hurt. You hae to be able to say no. Bigs HUGGGGSSSS. I hope you feel you can keep coming back and posting, because this is not good to go through alone.

[amante]

Originally Posted by lonegael

Bless you, livlife, sure, you've got my prayers, and make sure that you get some help yourself, therapy if you can afford it, help from a pastor or other councellor if you can't. You are carrying things you were never meant to shoulder, and your husband being so sick, I can see why you try so hard to do everything to make him better. Lke some have said, its not possible for you to make him better, even if you get the brunt of his pain. He has to fight his way through it on his own terms. No, its not right for him to speak abusively to him, even if it is easier to do that when you hurt. You hae to be able to say no. Bigs HUGGGGSSSS. I hope you feel you can keep coming back and posting, because this is not good to go through alone.

Sending prayers to livlif, may you find the strenght to get through this most difficult time in your life.