[thine_self_untrue]

I ask myself that question over and over and over again. I know what's wrong with me. I just can't do this. I feel so crappy, but then again, I don't. I feel so alone, but then again, I don't. I don't know what I'm feeling or how to feel it. I feel incapable of being happy. I'll feel happy, realize I feel happy and suddenly not feel so happy anymore. What the heck? What kind of freak WANTS to be miserable?
For some reason, part of me is fascinated by my 'depression' (dare I call it that.) It's like I'm watching someone elses life and I never really do anything. What I do is all kind of automatic, I don't feel like I make choices about everyday things. But then again, I do. And when I do, I make bad ones. Mentally cursing myself, hurting myself, doing things and allowing things I know will destroy me. And I want them to. I want to watch myself die.
But I'm not dying. Ugh. I'm living fairly normally and everyone thinks this state of 'bluck' is just normal for me, or that I'm choosing to be this way. Am I? Am I? Oh God. If I am making myself this way, than I hate myself even more.
I don't know what the heck is my problem. I feel like I'm a selfish jerk who is making this whole thing up. Like I don't need help, because I am the problem, so obviously, I can fix it. I want to just 'snap out of it' and be a normal person again.
But I can't seem to do it! I want to snap out of it, but I 'can't'. Or do I just not want to?
I am so confused. I want this to be over. I think about suicide. i have done minor self harm. But why? Why? Becuase I hate myself? Becuase I'm trying to prove to myself that there is a problem? Becuase I'm a selfish idiot? I don't know. Suicide would make me lose what I have- a chance. But I'm blowing my life so badly. Why not just end it and go with the theme?
I can't do it- I'd hurt so many people. But what about me? What am I supposed to do? I've been trying to convince myself in or out of this for so long. I know what I should do, but I can't/won't do it.
I just wanna die. But I don't. I don't know what I want. I feel so out of control. I'm so ashamed of myself and I don't want to believe any of this is real. I wish it was just a nightmare I could wake up from and shake off.
Do I or do I not have an illness? I wish I knew. But I don't want to bother anyone (not even the people here) I'm fine, really. Just fine.
I'm sorry. I'm just ranting and trying yet again to straighten things out in my messed up head.

[lynn P.]

I'm glad you let all your feelings out. I think you're being to hard on yourself - you need to be pateint and have compassion for yourself. It's okay if things aren't good at the moment - you still deserve to live this life, like we all do. Don't blame yourself.

[u2nance]

It's hard, but we're all Christmas2010newpuppy 118.jpgwith you. Promise

[FeelingHopeful]

aw thine. I hate that your in so much pain im so glad you came here! Would you like to be friends?

[Mike_J]

Nobody chooses to feel bad, we just do. It is often hard for others to understand how difficult it is to deal with depression, if we could "snap out of it" we would, why is that so difficult for "normal" people to understand.

[trevorzero]

It seems to me that you may be experiencing a long slow decline into a serious depression. The time to stop this gradual decline is right now, because chances are it will just continue to get worse. Don't let five or ten dimming years of losing ground bit by bit eventually swallow you up.

[Lostforevermore]

Hi, I just wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel...I've been going through the same kind of things for the last couple of years. I have just recently starting getting help and seeing a counselor. she's says that I have dysthymic disorder. It seems like you might have the same problem as me. I have been having problems for a while and I didn't really know if I had "depression". I've also been making some bad decisions in my life too...many which would hurt my family if they found out.

I would love to talk to you sometime because while I was reading your post I felt like you were writing down everything I felt. I don't know but maybe we can help each other.

[lonegael]

Hon, have you seen a talk doc or a psychiatrist? You want ot make sure that there is something you can do aboutthis and that you aren't left there alone with this. Please, if you start thinkign about hurting yourself, get yourself to an emergency room, OK? HUggs, many and gently

[thine_self_untrue]

Thank-you all so much for your kind posts. I have not yet seen a doctor or anything like that and I am STILL trying to ignore all this. I am really confused and I feel like I'm not quite thinking straight. I just want to get this over with, but I'm so afraid and so confused. Thanks for listening

[perpetuallysad]

Sorry I just now saw this post. The things you said really ring true with me. I get stuck in that circular thinking that it seems like you are stuck in right now. Don't you HATE THAT???? All I can say is that you really have to give yourself a chance. As much as you hate life today, if you are anything like me, you will be alright tomorrow, then hate life the next day, then be alright...on and on. Like a fricken demented merry go round or something. You are not alone and good job on expressing yourself so well. Keep talking, the more you talk, the better you will feel.

[Cheerios4lyf]

Thats horrible that you feel like that.

[thine_self_untrue]

Originally Posted by perpetuallysad

Sorry I just now saw this post. The things you said really ring true with me. I get stuck in that circular thinking that it seems like you are stuck in right now. Don't you HATE THAT???? All I can say is that you really have to give yourself a chance. As much as you hate life today, if you are anything like me, you will be alright tomorrow, then hate life the next day, then be alright...on and on. Like a fricken demented merry go round or something. You are not alone and good job on expressing yourself so well. Keep talking, the more you talk, the better you will feel.

I am so tired of the fricken demented merry-go-round. I just want it to stop and let me off.

[perpetuallysad]

I agree, if you figure out how to stop it, please share.

[thine_self_untrue]

Lately, things have seemed so much worse. I feel so hopeless like it's not even worth it to try.
I'm cutting every day. Not deeply, but still.
I am pulling back, reaching out, living, dying and hiding all at once and I am so, so confused. I feel like I don't even know what the heck I am doing and why. I can't come to terms with anything. I can't find a solution.
I'm trying to find reasons to live and a way to keep living.
I don't know what I want.
All my plans for my future shattered.
I lost my faith. I miss it so much, but I don't want it, can't get it back. I tried so long and so hard to get it right. I don't want to try anymore. I'm so tired of trying and failing.
I never wanted to be like this. This was most definatly NOT the plan.
I want to give up. But that's so cowardly. That's loosing. I still have a glimmer of hope that I can turn my life around, that I can somehow get through this. But does it, will it ever end?
Where is the beauty in life? The beauty I long to beleive in. I want to live, not just survive.
The hope is fading and so am I.
I wish someone could make me want to live and to try, smack me upside the head and make me do the right thing.
I'm too afriad. I'm just too afriad.

YES YES YES at one point, it does end for a little while.
and when it does, reflect on your problems in the past, and try to stop it for the future.
it's good, you have a glimmer!!!
thine, please keep posting and posting!

[Indie'sOK]

Oh, my god...I feel almost the exact same way I didn't think anyone else did. I sooooo feel like I do this to myself and that I don't want to get better. Thank you thank you thank you for proving that I'm not the only one.

[thine_self_untrue]

Originally Posted by IndieSoul

Oh, my god...I feel almost the exact same way I didn't think anyone else did. I sooooo feel like I do this to myself and that I don't want to get better. Thank you thank you thank you for proving that I'm not the only one.

I don't know if I should say sorry or you're welcome. I hate that you feel the way I do, but I'm glad reading my crap makes you feel less alone.

[lonegael]

This second guessing of yourself and your motives is really pretty common. I do it myself, sometimes, even though i know it isn't really that helpfull. Most of us have a hard time remembering what or how we really felt during episodes, so it's easy to miss the really important part that motivates us when we are having these problems. You aren't faking it. I promise you. It's real and it's ugly and it's not your fault. Too many of us arein this with you for it to be just your fantasy. I'm glad that it sounds like things are a little better, though. HUUUGGGGS, and give yourself a break.

What would make the glimmer shine brighter?

[thine_self_untrue]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

What would make the glimmer shine brighter?

I wish I knew. Hoping hurts.