[amdx64]

This is very long .. read if you have time.

Ive always had issues with myself and others since i was a child. My dad took me to the park and would leave me there for hours while he was having affairs with my mom (he told me he would run errnads, i was 6). My mom would say i was the cause of her and my dad breaking up. My older brother beat on me saying cause of me he doesnt get to have fun and things.

Now at 31 .. after years of putting things aside and not tending to them a few years back i started to feel like moving forward in life was not going to be possible. After months of being with my gf whom i couldnt stand anymore,I was about to end the relationship but discovered she was prego with our son. Which ment i couldnt leave or it would be cause of him why i wanted to leave as people would see it. Finally when he was 7 months old I could no longer take her I left .. it was ether i stayed or ended my life.

I moved with my best friend (whom was female) and while living together as only friends (she had a divorce almost a year earlier) we got hooked up, her kids and me got along and things were pretty well. However my health had been taking a turn for the worse and i was let go from my job. Which was what i needed to nudge myself into moving away from my son and his mom.

While trying to get back into gear past bills, child support, my son, my health, my mental state all seem to go down in the dumps. I started to gain weight (i was 195lbs) and suddenly didnt want to see friends anymore. I was falling deep. After trying to work a few jobs with only a few months into them i would be let go cause of my health and things. I realized my depression now had the best of me .. so i tried going to a therpiest after seeing them i was placed on some meds and tried to make a new start ... things went going anywhere.

Now im married to my best friend whom i really love and want to be with her and i love her kids. They all love me and things cept .. well theres me .. Im now 435lbs, been to a mental hospital for sucide and things. My sons mom is like baseball bat to my head and i cant stand her she has done ALOT of bad things to me. My days now are sleeping when i can and getting online tv and things i havent worked regularly in over 4 yrs im majorly overweight and ive filed for disabilty due to severe irritable bowel syndrome (had it many years but now its really out of control), depression and my back (had major surgery when i was 14 and it required a bone fusion) after over two years in this case they say im right there to be disabled but just not enough. (the disabily forms states im not able to work any past jobs, well if your a phone customer service person and a salesman whats left).

Anyhow in two months i have to come up with 4 yrs of back child support. My wife and everyone cant believe they want me to pay 508 dollars a month. I havent paid any cause i cant work and i even have proof yet the disabilty people refuse to give me disabilty (my attorney has appealed my disbaily case again and wants me to sue them) .. problem is the appeals cause is 14 months behind and the child suport people will no wait anymore.

So here i am in a life ive lost, no health insurance (case pending to which fianlly looks real good), I cant get money, im on free programs for meds and im loaded on them. My therpiest thinks i should go back to the hospital which at this point in my life im giving up ..

All i can think about is now im this rated bad dad, bad health, mental case, with a wife who tried sooo hard but knows theres nothing she can do (honey if you read this im sorry i dont say much anymore but i do know your there).

Im tired and weak now im not feeling sorry for myself but im out of options and mentally i cant handle things anymore .. if it wasnt for my wife and her kids and our cats i dont know where ill be. All i know is im not going to jail cause of my health giving out and im not going to be labeled some crap person when i have tried and tried and tried but its not good enough anymore.

So i face two months from now where i will go next .. all i can say is jail isnt going to be one of them .. a person can only take and do so much and right now i just want to not wake up .. i didnt think there was a place past crying and anger and hate and love .. i call it numbness .. blah

[Parker10]

I am sorry that things are so bad for you right now and that you are hurting so deeply. Depression is a hard place to be, and a hard place to get out of, but there are things you can do to try and feel better. I am glad that you see a therapist, and why would going back into the hospital be so bad? You would be safe, and it would give you the opportunity to do things other than sleep, watch TV, and be on the computer - perhaps allowing you to replace those habits with ones that would help you. At the hospital, your diet could be monitored at your request to help with your weight issue, you would probably be more mobile - at least walking the halls in the hospital would help you with not sitting around. I certainly understand the IBS as I have it, but evidently yours is much worse. I hope that you have tried Citrucil or FibreCon as they helped me greatly !

People who review Disability claims must have their head in the sand alot of the time. If a person is unable to work due to their health, then they are entitled to benefits. I am sorry you were denied, but I would persue it. They usually dont keep denying it - especially if a lawyer is involved.

I am sorry for your son, sounds like his Mother is a loose cannon, but you know - he IS your son. I wont continue on this part of your post - as I have very strong feelings about children and their rights, but I do hope that you will try to help yourself, so that you can get some child support headed his way.

This is a great site for support and welcome !

[(JD)]

Welcome to pscyhcentral amdx.

There is a lot of information in your post, but I will wait to respond to more of it until later. Right now imo you need to know that there is a good way out of what you are in... the past mistakes are no reason to not make good decisions right now. Maybe you don't have the right ppl giving you advice, I don't know. Are you still in therapy? You need that support and knowledge.

Try and view your "debt" to your wife as really to your son, and also to the system.. which provides mental health clinics to ppl like the members here. That might make it more palatable, imo. I know that doesn't help find the funds.

You are a human with his own needs and problems. I hope you'll come back and post again let us know what kinds of things you've decided to do and all. TC