[Perzephone]

To any who may read this & hopefully offer advice:

I'm new here. I understand the rules, but maybe not all the boards' terminology, so bear w/me, please

I'm having a problem, which I'm sure everyone does from time to time, but this problem's been with me for awhile, probably about 2 years.

I've always been depressed, and just sort of handled it on my own. I went through counseling as a teenager, learned the language & the coping skills, but now I feel that if I seek counseling, I'll just be complaining & not getting anywhere.

I am bored stiff with my job. I'm a hotel night auditor. It's mind-bogglingly tedious. Now that I've learned how to do my job, I am extremely efficient, to the point where I have about 2 or 3 hrs. a night to kill in a 10-hr. shift. I feel like a drone, and it's working with math, which I have hated all my life. My job is not fun or exciting or challenging, it is merely a job. It does pay the bills, tho, and I am well-payed to do very little. I'm in a union, with great health benefits. I work a 4-day week, so I've got 3 days off every week. It sounds idyllic, but I am mentally dead. Every night I go to work, do the same thing over & over again, talk to the same people night after night, see the same dirt on the carpet, smell the same funky hotel stink... and I hate every minute of it.

I also feel like I'm completely static in my personal & spiritual life. Every goal I once had has fallen by the wayside. Every interest I have has become worthless, every thing I once enjoyed doing is just no longer enjoyable. I can't get motivated to change anything or do anything differently, and it's getting to the point where I actually went to my doctor & requested an antidepressant (he gave me Paxil, which made me horribly sick and I quit taking within the first week).

I don't know what I'm actually feeling, tho. I am very work-oriented. What I do for a living is what I am. I have a hard time taking time off from work, and even when I do have a vacation, I spend the entire time worrying about what my relief person is screwing up. But I hate my job and wish they would just fire me, because I obviously can't make the move to quit it on my own. I don't know which is worse, and which is affecting me more, the burn-out or actual depression. All I know is that I've been feeling worse & worse since November of last year. I keep a journal to keep track of my emotions, and I can even see how I'm spiralling into this sort of emotional black hole.

My husband is highly resistant to the idea of me taking antidepressants or going to see a counselor of some sort, and I'm confused about my options, as well. All I know is that I'm tired of feeling this way all the time. I also don't want to get involved w/a psychiatrist or psychologist just to have someone else to complain to.

Any advice out there? Do I even make sense?

[Myzen]

Hi Perz,

Gosh, it sounds like you have a catch 22, a job which is both easy and difficult at the same time!

We often get trapped like this, as the nature of a trap is that it is just attractive enough for us to go in, and then we get stuck and can't get out.

From reading your post I would say that your deep desire is to get out of the job, that's the message I'm reading. The good news is that you do have a job that you can do well, so you will be attractive to another employer.

What would you like to do?

Cheers, M

[Parker10]

Wow, it sounds to me like you have both depression and burn out. If you dislike your job so much, how will you deal with the depression? I mean, unless you get away from a job that you really dislike, can you feel better?
There are certainly more options than just Paxil, and unfortunately, many will cause you to feel 'sickly' until you get used to it. Perhaps another try at meds would be an idea. Why are you/your husband so against psychiatrists and psychologists? It appears that you need help from one or both.......would u not see a cardiologist if you were suffering with chest pains? TO me, having a mental illness(depression perhaps in your case) is not different than having diabetes - both need treatment and both can be controlled.
It certainly seems that you know how to determine how you are feeling ( ie journal), but knowing, and doing something to help you feel better are 2 different things. IMHO you should see a therapist of some kind - not to just complain too - but for coping skills, etc. and perhaps they would then determine if you need medication.
Good luck to you - and welcome to this site ! Lots of great folks here.

[Junerain]

I also agree if there is a problem with your mind, just as in any other part of your body, you should seek medical help...sometimes talking with a therapist isn't complaining, it's talking about good things that are dear to you, it's putting two heads together to get you out of the downward spiral. I, too, had a job I hated going to, overnight also, and it sent my head spinning. Now I have a job I want and am blissfully happy- why the urge to keep your job? The sky's the limit when it comes to daydreaming..ever thought of working in a group home?

[Perzephone]

'Why keep the job?'

Meh... I think part of why I'm hanging on to this particular job is that it was hard for me to get in the first place. I'm no looker, I dropped out of h.s. (but I did get my GED), and I feel like I'm getting older & losing my marketability. Living in Las Vegas has its advantages - housing & cost-of-living is relatively low compared to places like California or the Northeast U.S. Food is still relatively cheap. But the job market is tough. If it wasn't for the Teamsters, I'd be making just above minimum wage doing what I do now, and having to compete twice as hard to get work. I also don't have to deal w/'the public' & get screamed at by tired, grouchy folks because I'm on the wrong side of the counter at 4am.

I feel like I'd just be complaining to a psychologist or psychiatrist or counselor because everyone has it tough right now and at least I have employment, a home, food on the table... All of my physical needs are taken care of, but I still find myself wanting and not finding fulfillment in my life or within myself. And I feel like I'm just 'existing'.

Thank you all for the responses, tho. I'm seeing the doctor again in the morning to let him know how the Paxil treated me (if all the anti-depressants make you light sensitive, sick to your stomach, dizzy, give ya other stomach-related problems, nervous, etc... I may just have to deal w/this on my own) and I'm going to discuss some other options w/him.