Afraid

Maybe I could ship but dunno till I get started. I woke up early but by the time I showered and caught up on stuff on PC it was time for me to leave for work. I'm the world's biggest procrastinator lol!

Today I'm doing a lot better than the past two days. I started reading the CBT book this morning and am trying to remember the affirmations on the cheat sheet. I'm hoping that all this helps me get back to my positive minded self that everyone loves. I'm also hoping I'll be able to get back out of me enough to be of use to everyone else.

I've been so unfocused lately I think I'm just ruining things for everyone else especially here on PC. But I'm not giving up. I can get through this with help.

I procrastinate too! I am glad you are feeling better! I am glad you got those books. I don't think you are ruining anything with people, foxy. Everyone has hard time and we support here! We and I and here for you! Keep up the good fight.. Love you, Foxy!

Love you too Rose. I'll keep reading them and try to apply them to my life. I know we all have our bad days/weeks/moments/etc, but I feel like it's wrong for me to have bad days too. People have expectations of me irl, online, etc including myself and bad days make me feel like I'm just a major disappointment. Am I a bad person for feeling like this? I know I'm just human but it just feels so wrong.

I sent a pm to someone tonight and it triggered one of the worse panic attacks ever in me. I couldn't breathe at all in or out and started vomiting and couldn't stop till I found myself dry heaving. My lips turned blue from not being able to breathe and the pressure in my chest was so intense it felt like my lungs were going to explode. My head hurts so bad. My ears and eyes are burning, maybe some of the stomach acid went into my sinuses? This whole thing didn't last very long 2 minutes maybe 3 but I'm still shaking so bad and it's been 22 minutes now

All this and I don't even know what it was about the PM that triggered me like this. I don't remember the message. I just hope the person that I sent it to can forgive me if it was upsetting to them as it was to me. That is never my intent to anyone. I have no reason to purposefully hurt anyone here.

I just feel so guilty. I'm spending my life atoning for a haunted conscience, and I don't even know what it is I feel guilty about always like this. I don't know if this feeling will ever go away, or if I actually want it to go away. It's not that I "like" feeling so miserable, but it's such a part of my life I'm scared of what I will be left with if it's taken away. Much like something someone said to me yesterday afternoon which really struck a chord with me and helped me see that everyone has something they're hanging on to, but needs to let go to heal.

(((((Fox)))))
I'm sorry to hear about your panic attack- that sounds really scary!

*sigh* I often feel that way and I'm sorry that you, or anyone else, feels that way too.

From my brief time here at PC and what I have been able to observe about you, you seem like a very sweet, sensitive, kind, caring, and lovable person! Not someone who deserves to be punished and haunted by guilt.

I'm really sorry your having such a rough time, Fox. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help you.

Those panic attacks are scary but you have to remember they cannot kill you. It may seem like it at the time but they can't. Stay strong foxy!
I know you are having such a hard time right now and I am sorry. You are a very strong person and keep on fighting! ((((((((foxy)))))))))

Thank you everyone for your kind support. I'm going to start working in the CBT workbook one page at a time every day to see if that helps me.

I forced myself to get started on painting the rocks for the gift shop. Once they're complete I think I'll take pics and put it in a public album on my profile. So far I have a rose, a ladybug, and a cockroach. I'm going to do a frog next I think. I'm trying to think spring since it's March now.

mlpholmes had said in one of her chats a month or so ago that we should start projects. Even if we don't think we'll finish make ourselves get started. So there we have it, started a project and I'm actually wanting to keep on going now that I'm started. Amazing isn't it???

Yay, hey you should put a cute duck on one!

Okay I'll make a duck! like a white duck with a yellow bill? Or a different kind of duck??

Yellow ducky, orange bill. I don't know if you started making it though! Yay gooo ducks!

Definitely a duck Ducks rock!!

Depression is BAD today. I have to get ready for church. I know it's going to be bad. I don't want to be around people my anxiety levels are high enough I can feel it. I keep having panic attacks just thinking about going. I want to stay home but can't ask to stay home cause parents don't care about me, just what other people think when I miss because of my depression and/or anxiety. I hate Tuesdays.

(((((((((((foxy)))))))))). I am sorry you are not doing so well. I am here for you.

Fox, I've been out of commission lately...I miss talking to ya. How are you doing?

{huggles flag and rose} I'm going to be taking a break from chats. I'll still come for the weekly chats but limit it to that for a while. 2bpainfree and her H think that my anxiety levels are higher from helping everyone else but not getting the help that I need. So with the anxiety my depression is worsening.

They said helping others is like doing CPR, I'm useless if I pass out. So I need to take breaks. Love you tons <3

I will miss you on chat but I understand. You need to do what will make you better. Foxy stay strong! Love you! ((((((foxy))))))))

I'll stay strong if you do Rose!! :P {clings} At least I'll still be seeing you here. Also if I'm needed for emergencies on Chat I'm just a PM away. I'm not trying to take the place of mods, just I know a lot of people in chat and they sometimes are more open with someone without a bahn hammer so whatever helps 'em is fine by me.

Just taking a break in this short time I'm already starting to feel better and a lot less tense so maybe 2bpainfree and her hubby are right about carrying everyone else's burdens had gotten to me. No wonder the mod squad are hardly on chat! Can't imagine handling moddly duties AND everyone's problems at the same time. I really admire how well they handle themselves with others and deal with their own issues at the same time. Much love to the community team!

If 2b's H had his way I'd be taking a break from PC all together. He calls me a PC addict. Hee hee yep I'm a junkie for psychcentral for sure gimme gimme!

Tomorrow I'm going to be meeting with a new T, don't remember if I already said this. I have to remember to find out what his credentials are and what his title is for my attorney. I'll have to call her tomorrow after work with this info. He sounded really nice on the phone. I don't remember the conversation but I remember his tone and he was very nice and sounded kind. I think we'll get along okay I just worry that he's going to quit coming to my small town as soon as I see him twice like the other gal through the same place who had come out here.

Also I should see about his policy for emergencies or if he'd care if my alts called him to talk if they need to. And see if he understands DID. ugh so much to remember ><.

Thank you foxy! Don't worry things will work out!

*sends some safe hugs*

thanks for everyone's support thus-far.

Less than two more hours and I'll be seeing him. I'm so tired. I feel like I didn't sleep and am still feeling kinda switchy. I don't know how to describe this feeling. I don't quite feel like me like half of me is turned off and the other half is only partially alive. Not sure if this is a switchy feeling or a "I didn't sleep and I'm going to puke I'm so nervous" feeling.

I can't find my list I made. I'm tired of insiders trying to keep my life hidden from strangers. I'm running out of time to convince them that this has to be done or we won't get the help that we all need. DID complicates things so much and I can't even prove that I have it to explain that's why my dysthymic depression and anxiety and PTSD and AvPD and DPD and whatever else is all complicated ten fold by being a multiple.

(((((((((((((((( Fox ))))))))))))))))

I'm sitting in the waiting room now waiting for the T to come out. I hate that it's at my old job. Everyone keeps asking me "what you been up to, are you coming back??"

Well he came out and he's checking to see if one of the back rooms are open so it won't be the office I thought but at any rate it's not his.

He seemed as nervous as me so far.

It will be ok.

OMG I was in for FIVE HOURS! I totally missed work. We'll have to figure out something else for this cause he's ADHD and I don't keep track of time or I'll feel rushed. We talked about like . . .EVERYTHING and he met two or three of my alters. He's like "Max is totally awesome", kudos on you Max.

I only remember the last two hours but he said I seemed a lot more relaxed and he watched me struggle with a switch. I don't remember it just what he told me. I'm starving now lol.

I am glad you got to talk. Do you plan to go back?