[justfloating]

My grandfather died on Tuesday afternoon. He'd been in a nursing home for a few years, and had been going seriously downhill for the past year. He had a heart condition that cut off oxygen to his brain, leading to exhaustion, hallucinations and memory loss. Basically, the last time I saw him he could only stay awake for a few minutes, it took him a while to remember who I was, and he thought he'd been at a party in British Columbia the night before with a bunch of people he knew from when he was young. While we've been preparing ourselves for his passing for several months, the man that my grandfather was has been long gone for the past few years. When my Mom called to tell me that he'd died, it wasn't exactly a shock, but it seems to have been a shock to my system.

I cried myself to sleep Tuesday night. On Wednesday I advised my professor that I wouldn't be coming in to class, but I got restless and decided I should go in to the library to work for a while, thinking that it would be best to keep myself busy. By the time I'd made the twenty minute walk, I bypassed the library completely, went into a local coffee shop and sat there for an hour until my drink got cold, pretty much just staring at the wall. Then I came back to my residence, fell asleep at 2p.m. and slept straight through until 10:00 the next morning. Yesterday and today I did manage to make it to my classes, but I haven't really been able to concentrate. All the colour seems to have leaked out of my world. I feel heavy, dull, lonely and uninterested in anything. In short, I feel depressed.

I can't go home for the funeral as I'm in Scotland for school. The wake is today and the funeral is on Sunday. I've tried calling my grandmother but all I've gotten so far is her answering machine, so I left a message to tell her that I loved her and I'd call back again later, but to be honest it's a phone call I'm dreading because I know I won't be able to get through it without bursting into tears. I have no patience for the day-to-day aspects of my life. I don't want to be around other people, can't engage in conversations, have no desire to eat or even get dressed.

I'm really worried. I know that I'm grieving. I know it's only been a couple of days. But along with the grief I'm feeling over my grandpa's passing, all the negative voices are flooding back in and I can't seem to block them out any more. All I can think about is how pathetic my life has become, how I don't have anyone here to comfort me so I have to go through all this alone, how my grandpa was such a strong man with a grade 5 education who had a REALLY tough life and I can't even handle my cushy university existence. I'm not doing him or anyone else any honour. He was always so proud of me and all I can think is that I'm a fraud for letting him believe that I was special at all, because I'm not.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how long this is supposed to last and I'm really, really afraid it's never going to end. I want to grieve but I don't want to sink back into depression.

[idontknow13]

((((justfloating)))))
I am sorry for your grandfather's passing and I am also sorry you have to go through this alone, it is a time when one should be with their loved ones but since it is impossible right now for you, I believe you should grieve, grief is not depression, grieving is a liberating process, it brings closure and a certain relief. I work in the funeral business and I see many people who do not let themselves grieve and they suffer much more and it tends to come back and haunt them at one point or another.
Rebecca, just let it all out, cry as much as needed, be good to yourself, that is what your grandfather would want, he wants you happy and to take care of yourself.
My thoughts and prayers are with you ((((((justfloating)))))

[Mike_J]

You are special, at the risk of being redundant YOU ARE SPECIAL. Your grandfather knew it, I know it, hope you will learn it. Greif is a difficult thing, it will varry from person to person, there are not rules, your reaction is going to be uniquie to you, one more reason that you are special.

[Rapunzel]

Crying is healing and will help you through the grief. If you let yourself cry, you may cry for a while - as long as you need to - but it won't be forever. When you have cried enough, you will stop.

Grief is hard to go through. It hurts. Especially since you aren't able to go home and be with your family, it might be helpful if you can go to some grief counseling or find a support group. The differences between grief and depression are subtle. Mostly, the difference is that grief begins to heal when it is time, and then you will be able to go back to everything that is part of living your life. How much time is not really a set amount, and grieving can come and go for several months. If you have difficulty returning to your normal life activities, it might mean you need to get some treatment for depression. I don't mean right now - but after a while, when you feel it is time to get back to things, if something is getting in the way from doing that. You have a lot of negative thoughts about yourself. Would you be willing to try to let go of judging yourself? I suspect that your grandfather would encourage you instead. What would he say to you?

I am sorry for your loss and your pain. Be good to yourself, and take care.

[turquoisesea]

Grieve.
Try to keep your schedule while you're grieving, and try to grieve with people if you can. I know your family is far away right now, but making that call may be very important.

sending hugs

[Hippie]

I'm glad you put through a call to your grandmother as it will mean the world to her.
Do you have a counselor at school you can talk to and share your grief? You are in a tough spot being away from home.
You may have watched your grandfather become sicker over time but who you are grieving for is the grandfather you knew and loved.
Stay in touch as you are cared for.

[Naturefreak]

Rebecca Sorry to hear about your grandfather's passing . Keep strong .

[sabby]

(((((((((((((((( justfloating & family )))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry to hear of your grandfather's passing. No matter how much time you had to prepare for his death, when it happens, it's hard! I was able to prepare for my mom's passing, but gosh, I still was a basketcase and needed time to grieve for my loss.

Is there any one at school that you are pretty good friends with that you can talk to? How about any churches in the area that you can access for support? I think you need to be able to talk about things, especially since you are not back at home with the family where you would be talking with them. Of course, that's just my opinion, but I base it on knowing that talking often helps the process of grieving.

If you have no one there to lean on, you do have PC! It may not be the same as face to face and all we can give are virtual hugs, but at least that is something, no?

Please be easy on yourself hon. Grieving can take on many different forms and for many different times. There is nothing set in stone and your experience will be just that, yours.

I wish you well dear one.....remember that your grandfather is smiling on you and knowing he was right in being proud of you......

[googley]

((((((justfloating))))))

I am so sorry for the loss of your grandfather. Mine recently died and so I know it is hard. I am sorry that you are unable to return home for the funeral. While you expect to cry when you talk to your grandmother don't feel bad about that. Crying is expected. It shows in a visual way how much his life meant to you. Can you also call and talk to your parents or other relatives? I know talking to my relatives helped. We shared positive family stories as a way to celebrate his life. Know that even if you cry once, it does not mean that it is necessarily the last time you will cry. It can hit you at odd moments. The other day I was working out and reading a magazine article and was overwhelmed by the feelings of loss. So it is a process that takes time.

I agree with the others about trying to keep your schedule going. If you haven't you should tell your professors about your loss. I can't believe that professors in Scottland are too different than professors in the US. My professors were very supportive. Being that many of my friends had not been through the loss of someone close to them, the professors had, and so understood how much the experience can take out of a person. Are you in T this year? If so make sure to talk about it with your T. I haven't yet talked about it much and so can't say it would help, but believe it would. Please take care of yourself. I totally understand the looking into space experience. I went to lab meeting the night after I found out and before i flew for the memorial service and pretty much just sat there. But it helped to be around other people.

Death is part of the cycle of life. Your grandfather had a profound effect on your life. If he were here to tell you, what do you think he would say? You have worked so hard to make a better life for yourself. Do you not think he would say you are a special person? One who is entitled to a better life? One who he is still rooting for at this very moment?

IMMORTALITY
Do not stand by my grave and weep.
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am a diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle Autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft star shine at night.
Do not stand by my grave and cry.
I am not there .. I did not die

(Prayer of the Makah Indians)

[googley]

((((((Justfloating))))))
How are you doing? I hope that you are able to find support IRL.

[idontknow13]

How are you doing now???? My thoughts are with you, keep us posted.
(((((((justfloating))))))

[justfloating]

I'm doing a bit better, thanks. The funeral was yesterday. They tied messages for my grandfather to some balloons and released them in the park. I think it was a really sweet idea. I'm thinking about doing something like that myself, to say goodbye. I talked to my grandmother and she's a wreck, but my aunt will be bringing my grandma home with her to California, probably for a few months. I think it'll be good for her to get away for a while, and my aunt does a lot of her work from home so they'll be able to spend a lot of time together.

As for my mood, it fluctuates. I'm forcing myself to stick to as much of my routine as I can, although at times it's been hard. I've been able to get to my classes and get through most of my work. I talked to my mom and told her I didn't go to class the morning after I got the news about my grandpa and she said, "Why not? Should I be concerned?" I'm not really sure what she meant by that and I didn't ask. She's a much tougher person than me. It would be nothing -- and has been nothing in the past -- for her to go back to work right after a loss like that, but I think that I needed time to fall apart. We process things differently. I'm not as put-together as my mother. But I do think I'm coming to terms with it. Today I felt like I could really breathe again, just for a few minutes, since I got the news. Maybe tomorrow, the weight will lift again for a little while longer.

Thank you all for your support. It means a lot to me, and I don't know what I'd do without you.

((((((((( Rebecca ))))))))))

[Rohag]

My deep condolences on the passing of your beloved grandfather. In time, may his memory be a source of comfort and joy.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( justfloating ))))))))))))))))

[leacon]

Sweetie first of all, I want to wish you and your family the best. It is very hard to lose a loved one. As you know, I am in a similar position. I am not sure where the grief ends and the depression begins. I think sometimes they go hand in hand. As someone who is depressed going through a grieving process, I am also seeing aspects of depression mixed in with the grief. It is very good you managed to cry and let the emotions out. You will do better in the long run by doing this. I am finding my emotions bottled up pushing myself more into a depression. Please let yourself grieve and you will come out okay. Take very good care of yourself.

[turquoisesea]

((((((Rebecca)))))))