Defeated by my emotions

More griping here...

I am going to see a psychologist on Tuesday. It's the first time I'll be going to a counselor of my own choosing... and the first time I'll be going to a therapist of any type in about 15 years.

I've always just sort of rode out the waves of the blues that wash over me from time to time. I mean, I'm never really happy - I'm not bipolar, I don't have any 'manic' phases. I'm always just sort of coasting along in neutral to low negative, and there are dark points along my roads that I usually just ignore until they go away. This time, tho, the dark night of the soul has been hanging around since last November.

I feel that by just paying this much attention to my emotional state, to my depression, that it's beaten me. I feel like I've lost the fight. I can't go on like this, the constant lack of inspiration, the lack of motivation, the true desire to do anything at all... I can't move forward in my life if I continue to feel this way. So I finally paid attention to my mentality & emotions. I finally confronted my depression & said to it "OK, fine, I'll go see a psychologist! Are you satisfied now?!"

I keep telling myself that I'm sick and need medicine. That even tho it's not the flu, it's a soul-sickness & it requires soul-medicine. That I need some kind of healer to step in & take over. I keep trying to tell myself that my brain needs a doctor as much as my high blood pressure or my bad knees. I keep telling myself to not get defensive - that just because I'm angry with myself for 'caving in' to the depression that I shouldn't be angry w/the psychologist because she is going to be there to help me. It's going to be hard for me because I am sort of an auto-defensive person. It took me 6 months to warm up to my coworkers enough to talk to any of them... I sort of lurked around these boards for months before I felt confident in actually posting anything here... I'm nervous because it has been such a long time since I've been through therapy and I don't know if my judgment will be good enough to tell me if she's a good doctor or a bad one. The way I'm feeling lately, even my friends make me feel like I'm the freak-of-the-week, so how can I be comfortable around a complete stranger?

Any advice on how to avoid being defensive to the psychologist?

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Perzephone}}}}}}}}}}
I dunno what to say just hope the therpy and conselling and psychologist comes in hand!

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I feel that by just paying this much attention to my emotional state, to my depression, that it's beaten me.

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Perzephone,

Try to look at it this way. Depression has reared it's ugly head one too many times and now it's time for you to kick it's ugly butt.



Don't let it bully you around...

Petunia

Good for you for taking this step. take it slow and give it time.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Perzephone}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I totally agree with Petunia
"Try to look at it this way. Depression has reared it's ugly head one too many times and now it's time for you to kick it's ugly butt."

could not have said it better myself..........but please know your NOT alone.........but your doing a great job of taking the first step to a healthier you.. but be patient and do not rush yourself and give yourself the time and space needed to work on you.. give yourself credit for taking this BIG STEP.....take care and keep us updated and post your feelings anytime
sending you lots of love
take care

Thank you all - I've got a lot of stress in my life this weekend between my job & wildfire evacuations & whatnot, so I think by the time Tuesday rolls around, I'll probably be feeling like I NEED to talk to a therapist!

P.S. Send rain. Lots & lots & lots of rain. No lightning, tho!

Making this step is great ! Realizing you need to talk to someone and accepting your "blah attitude" could possibly be depression. Try not to worry about whether the T is a "good one", its very hard to figure that out for quite some time after starting to see them. If you go in, wondering "Ok - is SHE right for me", it could hinder your ability to get started with the actual therapy. SURE there are bad T's , but many more are GOOD ones than bad. Dont put alot of thought into that part now, think about the getting better part, the feeling better part, the accepting of help, etc. Be OPEN to therapy, and like has been posted by others, sometimes it seems the first few weeks are no more than "gab sessions", thats OK . I wish u all the best, and hoping that you soon feel much better !

I so relate to your feelings..and I think its because I was raised in an atmosphere of "don't air your dirty laundry..." and boy has it cost me....but don't think for a minute that focussing on the problem makes it worse...it's essential

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MacD said:
I so relate to your feelings..and I think its because I was raised in an atmosphere of "don't air your dirty laundry..." and boy has it cost me....but don't think for a minute that focussing on the problem makes it worse...it's essential

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It's not even so much a 'dirty laundry' isssue as... I just continually feel like I'm complaining. Other people's problems always seem to be so much worse than my little issues. I don't feel like I have a right to spend time thinking about how bad I have it when there are people w/real needs. I can always listen to someone else's worries & difficulties, but I don't feel like I should add to their bad day by telling them about things I'm going through. That sort of reply that starts out with, "Oh, you think you've got it tough right now. Listen to this!" But I've also never been the type to expect sympathy or support from anyone except myself while still being willing to empathize, sympathize & support other people's emotional needs. Either that, or I just withdraw when I can't muster my energy enough to offer support...

IMO it doesn't matter what a person's issues are compared to another's. We each have our path to follow, we each have our own experiences to master. One is not more important than another, just as "as 6th grader is not better than a 1st grader." TC

Your problems are just as important as everyone elses because they are YOUR problems.

My advice is to be receptive to this T. Listen to what he/she has to say. I gabbed for weeks with my T before I opened up a little. I still have not discussed all issues with my T and I have been seeing her for 7 months. It takes time. The day to day problems you perceive as "little" do build up over time and become bigger issues. I tried very hard to ignore my emotions and physical ailments for months prior to breaking down and accepting that I actually needed help. All my life I have been able to take care of myself and to actually admit that I couldnt take on my depression and anxiety alone was a big thing for me, so I totally understand that. I was angry and I still am about that. These things take time. Good luck to you.

Jen

[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[ Perzephone ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

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MacD said:
I so relate to your feelings..and I think its because I was raised in an atmosphere of "don't air your dirty laundry..." and boy has it cost me....but don't think for a minute that focussing on the problem makes it worse...it's essential

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Hi P,

I just want to second Mac D's post. It is essential to deal with this stuff, at some point in your life. Sooner is better than later IMHO.

Cheers, M