frustration

While I am doing better after seeing my T yesterday, the way my mother is dealing with my father is driving me up the wall. I respect her wishes to think she can make my father well again. I get frustrated though when she stops giving him oxygen, because she thinks he needs to improve his muscles for breathing. I am afraid she is hastening his death instead prolonging his life when she does this. I found out a few days ago that she does not give him pain meds because she does not believe in them. I am just as afraid to tell my sisters about the oxygen because they will only get upset with her and try to get him into a hospice facility. Neither my father or mother would do well under those conditions. It is hard enough to see my father dying, but seeing all this is driving me nuts. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Frustrating...and SCARY! This really is a dilemma you face. Is your mother open to any reasoning? Would she listen to some sort of "authority figure?"

((((((leacon)))))
Sorry, I have no suggestions, all I have are hugs
The only thing I know is if I was in your situation I would not tell my sister because my dad would never forgive me for putting him in a hospice. It must be very hard for you to deal with all this, I am glad you have your T.

(((Leacon))) - I'm sorry this is happening. I thought your father was in a hospice facility? I think you should tell your sisters. Have you asked your father if he wants pain medication? If he does then he should have it - it doesn't matter if your mom doesn't believe in it. If he's terminal he needs it - it's not like he'll become addicted to it. Sounds like your mom isn't being objective. Hospice is a caring facility so maybe he would be better there. Could one of your sisters move in and help your dad. I would be concerned if he's in terrible pain.

That is sad. I'm sorry to hear this.

*hugs*

here listening

My father is under hospice care at home. A nurse will be there tomorrow to check him out. I also will be going out there tomorrow and maybe will get a chance to see the nurse myself. Hopefully she will check out his blood oxygenation. If that is okay, I will not worry. As far as pain goes, from what I understand he has some stomach upset but not extreme pain. My brother-in-law is staying there now. He has the best chance of anyone to make sure my father is doing okay. My mother thinks she is doing the best thing for him. Her main mistake is thinking she can make him well. They have been married for 67 years, and she is not ready to admit this is terminal. My father is claustrophobic and could not stand to be in a small hospice room. On top of that they are dependent on each other emotionally. Separating them would only cause much emotional pain. I just hope my mother will recognize that he is terminal and try to make him comfortable and not well. Rather I am very frustrated with what she is doing, but I also recognize my father is where he really wants to be. He loves being at home with large windows and many trees, and most of all being with my mother.

I got really upset this morning when she said the oxygen was making him breathe shallowly. He is breathing that way due to his illness and probably needs the oxygen to maintain the best functioning possible. Sometimes her approach can make me want to yell and try to wake her up to the reality of his illness. This in turn makes my own problems worse. Thank God I do have my T and Pdoc.

I understand exactly what you're saying about 'making him well rather than keeping him comfortable'. I think you're handling this very well, in recognizing your father, might not be getting everything he needs. Good you're going to be there, to see the nurse. It's also good you trust your BIL and I think you should confide in him, your concerns. 67 years married - that's wonderful. Would your Dad speak up for himself if he needed to?

Hello, leacon. My thought is for you to talk to the nurse, ideally with your brother-in-law present, to explain what is going on. The nurse may be willing to talk to your mother about the importance of following the orders of the doctor.

The nurse will then make note of what is going on when he/she reports to the doctor. You might suggest to the nurse that she ask the doctor to call your mother to explain how critical it is that the doctor's orders are followed in their entirety.

Good luck.