[Lacer Vita]

Is it really depression if you can fake it, some of the time? I just got off the phone with my mom, and she doesn't suspect. Of course, I also got off the phone with my husband, and he did... which frustrates the hell out of me. Nothing worse than having someone ask you if you're feeling "sad", and wanting to make you feel better.

I almost have to admit it's real... after all, who besides a depressed person could make a statement like that without a trace of sarcasm?

I just feel like I'm being selfish, stupid, and ridiculous. I should really just get up, quit whining, and clean the house.

*shrug*

Guess I just don't care enough to bother.
Just sitting here, another day... in front of the computer.
When will life get better?
When will I start to care again?

Me and my self-destructive thoughts. I want to bury myself in them, right now. I'd long to go lay down... deep under the covers, and never come out... but it would take too much energy, to go to bed.

don't even know what i want out of life. where's the big picture? where's th end? when is it all going to stop?

It's so sad. The people who love me so much, just don't know. I don't want them to know. It's insulting, isn't it? That... they are not enough to make me feel alive.

That sounds so selfish...

I hate that i am this way.

[Stranger2]

Lack of motivation is one of the biggest ways of knowing you are depressed..Are you seeing a Pdoc?? You may have a chemical imbalance and they can control them with meds..I would suggest seeing professionals..

Originally Posted by Lacer Vita

Is it really depression if you can fake it, some of the time? I just got off the phone with my mom, and she doesn't suspect.

I think so. I've been depressed for 2yrs now (confirmed by numerous Drs) and I've been able to fake it to outsiders almost the whole time. Unless you're so severely depressed that you're psychotic/psychomotor retarded/agitated, it's pretty easy to fake 'normality' (whatever that is!) , especially if you're as practised at it as I am! My family who I live with don't even realise the full extent of it all, as I'm trying to convince them I'm fine again so I can go back to Uni.

I go round and round in circles thinking about reality and masks and stuff. I wonder if everyone else thinks the mask is real, then it doesn't really matter if it isn't? We all experience reality differently, so who's to say my interpretation is better than everyone else's - ie I act ok therefore I am ok. I'm not sure if that makes much sense as I'm told that my logic doesn't make sense at times due to the depression

Originally Posted by Lacer Vita

I just feel like I'm being selfish, stupid, and ridiculous. I should really just get up, quit whining, and clean the house.

I think a lot of us here feel that way. The depression tells us we are lazy and useless and should have the mental strength to overcome it without needing outside help. I struggle with this A LOT but a part of me knows that it's rubbish. If we could think our way out of this, wouldn't we have done this already??!

Originally Posted by Lacer Vita

Guess I just don't care enough to bother.

I know that feeling, but it really is the depression talking. I find my motivation is the first thing that goes when I sink into the black hole of depression. Are you seeing a Dr/T? Are you on meds? There is help out there, but it can be hard to motivate yourself to find it, or convince yourself that you actually deserve to get better. I hope you can believe that you are worth it. It sounds like your husband loves you very much and could help you in this - try not to shut him out

Take care

*Willow*

[angie2716]

I call it putting a fake face on. No one knows how bad I'm hurting on the inside because I don't want them to see. So I put this fake smile on. And I wish I could tell you it does get better. There are a lot people on here that says it does. I've been dealing with severe depression, panic disorder, and now slight agoraphobia for over 5 years. But just remember we all care about you and are here for you. If you ever need to talk or anything you can pm me. I'm on here most of the time and if I'm away for a little bit I will get back to you as soon as I get back on. Hugs ( if ok )

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by Lacer Vita

When will life get better?
When will I start to care again?

Hey Lacer,
I can really relate to your post. I think the part of depression that is really hard for people to understand is when it isn't even so much a feeling of sadness. It's more like a feeling of, "whatever... what does it matter?" Please try not to be hard on yourself. Dealing with everyday stuff is hard and seems insurmountable with depression, that's why it is serious. I hope you will ask for help. It sounds like for whatever reason you can't mention it to your family... I hope you will find a therapist. This is someone who can be on your team, someone who's there to understand. Meds can also help, but if you aren't ready for them yet you might give St. John's wort a try? (Nature's Way makes a good one). Also, have you had a check-up lately? I'm always mentioning vit. D (ad nauseum). Low levels (which many people have) can make you feel extra tired and anxious.

[Lacer Vita]

Hugs always appreciated.
Thank you.

I have had therapy in the past. I've had medication, too. But I went off of it years ago. I thought I would be okay. As a teen I was diagnosed with a chronic "mood disorder", and told that I would likely need medication my whole life. I never liked that diagnosis. I supposed that would be called Dysthmia now, wouldn't it?

It's so much worse right now, though. Seems every few years or so, I'll go through something like this. It's really hard.

But in the midst of it, no matter what's been said in the past, I just feel like I could shake it off - if I really wanted to. But that's the thing. I do really want to... but I can't.

Soon I will see a therapist. I have one week for insurance to kick in. Granted, this will be ignored anyway as a pre-existing condition... but at least I'll have some insurance information to give the doctor. I must wait until April. Then I will find a doctor, and get some help.

Until then... thank you so much for your support. It's a huge relief to communicate with you... beautiful people that you are, reaching out to others this way.