[PlanningtoLive]

[sigh] Knew it was coming......the total wreckage of being in a good mood. It started out ok - got the news that the other job is still mine, so after Alex went to school I hustled out the door to go take the drug test.

Got there fairly early, did what I needed to do, and then had time before my pdoc appt. Soooooo, I decided to go to the other job, bring in my stuff and quit. This is something new for me - I avoid conflict like the plague and usually try to shove off doing stuff like that in person by making my husband deliver a note from me. But I went in and did it - they were completely rude to me. No problem telling them after that kind of reception.

Went to my pdoc and he is putting me on Effexor (?) three times a day. Told me how worried about me he had been last week when he saw me and that he and my T are in close contact. Filled the prescrip. and went to see my T.

Things were different today with him.......almost like a fence was up between us. It was all complete business today, "focus on this", etc.........and then he comes up with the idea of also having me go to group therapy plus see him. I sat there and listened to his "reasons" for wanting me to go (more ppl like myself, see how other ppl handle things, etc.) and all I could do was sit there and get totally angry. It felt like he was, as he said, "trying to get me well faster".........for what? to dump me and say good riddance after 2 1/2 years? There is no way that I am going to talk in front of a group of people about my feelings........not even on a good day. He asked me if I would go just to sit in and observe, not necessarily participate. As I told him, if he was asking me to do it for HIM, yes I would go once.........for my sake, no way.

Now, I'm going on the waiting list to get in to this thing and I feel completely manuevered into it, and I hate it. It's like the same thing..........it doesn't matter what YOU want to do, it's good for you. Yea right.

I told him about quitting the job and explained the new one to him - it is in restaurant management vs. retail. Today our session did not feel right - course he said he knew who he was talking to today - the unemotional me.

Then I knew I had to tell Alex about me being gone - total collision there. He cried so hard it really hurt me.......he is so upset with me that he doesn't want to discuss it, says I'm not going anywhere, and will hardly talk to me at all. Half of this evening I ended up in tears, wishing I was back at the hospital. I helped him with his homework and he kept his back to me the whole time and ignored me. I explained that I would be home 2 days a week, call every night, send him email, that he can call my cell whenever he wants and leave me a message, etc.........that I didn't want to go but had to for a job - none of it mattered.

He has completely turned from me - and it hurts so much that I wish things had been different last week with the ending. His little eyes were so red, so bloodshot from crying......omg, it nearly destroyed me. It feels like a knife is in my heart being twisted. My husband, in his infinite wisdom said, "he'll get over it". WOW........

He made me a card with hearts on it and wrote "I'm sorry" on it, but he still won't talk to me really. This just jumped my stress level so high........talk about feeling alone.

I leave Tues. and from now till then will be horrible if this continues. I rescheduled my appt with my T on Monday, same day as my follow up for surgery.

My T asked me if I would be fine till I see him next or if I'll do anything to myself. Right now, considering our session, I don't want to call him - feels like I would be "bothering" him.

:::::::::::::::::trying to pull the grate off my hole desperately:::::::::::

Mary Alice

[somebody]

Mary Alice,
Things aren't always easy. I know that the last time I was in the hospital it was hard for me and my T to get the conversations going again like they were normal talks. He even came to the hospital and told me he was going to make a recommendation that I see someone else...They get the feeling that they are not helping you and maybe something is wrong with the way they are trying to help you. If you don't feel comfortable going to group therapy you shouldn't have to. I tried it and the second time I went someone made a comment that they had to get me talking and that was it... I no longer went...Effexor is a good medication if it works for you ... I have been on it for 4 years now... I have also taken one other anti-depressant with it during this time. it's the only thing that hasn't changed in my life in the last 4 years.
I wanted to try and get on here for you this past weekend but I had to go out of town and sit my grandson... I'm so happy things went ok this weekend...you are in my prayers.
Alex will get use to the fact that you have to work and that he will have two days to spend with you...as long as you make them good days with him he will do fine. I use to work a second shift job and my kids were use to having me around all the time at their every call. My daughter was 10 and my son was 8. They adjusted just fine. My daughter learned how to cook from her dad during that time and I would go up to three weeks before I saw my kids at times. It had got that the only time I had time off was when my husband went to sea.

[nowheretorun]

(((((((((PTE))))))))

I was about to say "he'll get over it", but.....

Do try to call him everyday, or several times a day even. I think he would adjust slowly and then be better about things. Maybe buy him a new gift or take him to Micky D's or Chuckee Cheese before you go if you can....

Buy him a teddybear and name it with him and tell him everytime he hugs it, you'll feel the hug and know he loves you... maybe get one for yourself while you're at it.

It sounds so hard... Wish I could do more. Even made me sad (sniff, sniff)

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

[Peanut61]

Hi ((((((((((((((((((((Mary Alice)))))))))))))))))))) = Because of my 'abandonment issues' I used to think my Dr. was trying to dump me, too - all the time, and I would start crying right in front of him, and eventually ask him if he was, and he'd say no of course not, he just wanted me to not be in so much pain. I know the feeling that you describe well, and it's almost a panicky feeling, at least for my, but just ask him about it - I know that you will be relieved and re-assured by the answer you get back. XOXO, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

[LMo]

Mary Alice... I have no good words... too early for me and I'm not quite alert just yet... but my heart goes out to you. More later,

Your friend,
LMo

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[ltlredvett]

Mary Alice....

Why is it that just when you are starting to feel better that something happens to shake our world? I think that it is all just part of the process of getting better. You will get through this, you demonstrated so much strength over the last week.

[kvinneakt]

"get well faster" ??? Perhaps he percieves you increasing the momentum and is just trying to keep pace with you.

Group therapy is not so bad. You can just sit there like a lump and get value from it. My experience is a lot of folks are passive for many sessions. I was. On the other side of the coin is some who try to dominate the session and never get past the I-ME-MINE stuff and never hear what anyone else has to say. My guess, based on your participation here, is that you would really take a liking to groups.

Bumper sticker: Wherever you go, there you are

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{Somebody}}}}}}}} ty for responding. The idea of group therapy does indeed make me uncomfortable - where I would actually have to almost force myself to walk in the door.

I have just begun the Effexor today (2 pills so far, one tonight), and I feel like I am speeding. I can feel my heart racing and I am hyper. Hopefully it will subside with time.

Alex was a little better this morning, but I am so worried. He has never cried like that before and for so long. I really hurt him and the worst part is I can't fix it unless I don't take this job - and that isn't an option.

Take care of you as well, ok?

Mary Alice

[heidu]

Sending hugs for you and Alex.
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{Nowhere}}}}}}}}}}}} I did tell him that I will leave him a message on our tape recorder the morning I leave so that when he comes home he can hear my voice and replay it as much as he wants.

I promised him that when I am home, those days are for him, and him alone. I know how Alex gets when he is with his dad too much - withdrawn and not active. His father does not understand things, like all his animals - I treat them like they are alive (his puppy goes with us everywhere and we even "feed" him) but my husband has no patience for that stuff.

I just feel like I am so bad for leaving him........my chest actually hurts.

Mary Alice

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jill}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I am so angry with him right now - it was like a different person yesterday in his office. I sent him an email about Alex being upset, and normally I would have gotten a reply by now - something anyway. Not a word.

Right now I need my T, very badly. But h**l will freeze before I call him. Then I have someone on the internet bad-mouthing me in her profile on aol.............that really hurt as well.

The one good thing is Alex did tell me it was ok for me to pick him up from school and he told his dad not to bother coming because I was.......lol. Made my husband mad, but oh well.

xoxoox

Mary Alice

[PlanningtoLive]

Just replying means alot LMo..........ty for caring.

xoxoxo

Mary Alice

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{Vett}}}}}}}}}} it never fails, does it? [sigh]. I feel like I have no strength left at all, for anything. That's what happened last week - I simply gave in to the tiredness and stopped fighting it.

I feel like that now......but I can't be hospitalized again and leave my son right before I go away next week. I am just trying to limp through the days.

Thanks for caring.

Mary Alice

[Rapunzel]

Mary Alice,

Congratulations on the job. It sounds like this one will be better, at least once you get past the being gone part and get a chance to settle into it. Getting away just might be a good thing for you anyway. I know Alex is taking it hard, and I wouldn't doubt that. He doesn't want to lose his Mommy and is still scared about that. Spend as much time with him as you can before you go - that dinner you were talking about sounds great! Don't go easy on the chocolate! He'll be okay and you will keep in touch with him. I'm glad that you will be able to stay in touch with us too.

I've only heard good things about Effexor. If I were going to try meds, that would be my first choice.

Group therapy is scary when you haven't tried it before. I did that once, and was so uncomfortable about it before it started. I thought it would be impersonal and I would just be lost in the crowd as usual, but it really was okay. It's really not all that different from here actually, except in real life. Since you have said that your T is the only person IRL who you can be yourself with, this sounds like a good way to expand your circle. I hope you make some new friends.

It might feel like your T is trying to speed you along so he can dump you, but I don't see it that way. Now that you are starting to get better, his job is to facilitate that. He's been so worried about you and doesn't want you to hurt so much. Of course he wants you to get better - that's the whole point, right? It's not because he wants to dump you. Part of his job, though, is to help you learn to find other people who can be your support system and friends.

About that fence that went up between you, you know which Mary Alice he was talking to yesterday. Who put the fence up?

Are you coming to Heidu's party? I'll toss you some chocolate. See 'ya there!



Wendy

<font color=purple>"The real problem of mental life is not why some people become insane, but rather why most avoid insanity." -Erich Fromm</font color=purple>

[PlanningtoLive]

hi Kv.......here is diff though. I sensed the goodness and caring about the people here and opened myself up. In person, with strangers, is not something I could do. My inner me would automatically hide and nothing would be accomplished except people wondering why I was there, since I would be "fine".

I hate being around people, which is bad since all my jobs have been in management around people. I never have anyone over to the house - this is my sanctuary and I guard it well. Outside of work, where it is my job to be pleasant, I am very anti-social.

My dream house is a cabin set in the woods away from everyone and everything......with land mines under ground (yes, I said land mines) and it would keep people off my land and away from me or they would be hurt badly. Might seem odd coming from me, but I truly dislike being around people. Give me my cabin, and a 4x4 and I'd be in paradise with my son.

Mary Alice

[LMo]

What do you dislike about being around people? Just curious.

Your... fellow forum member who wants to be your friend but isn't sure that you want me to be your friend but likes you anyway,
LMo

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[heidu]

Lmo, Your pretty dang cute.
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[heidu]

Have I sent you hugs today? Sending more anyway. Your doing you best and it will be OK.
Hang in there sweetie!!
Heidu
PS: I wouldn't be the least bit upset if you sent some of the chocolates from Rapunzel attached to your next hug you send me. They look delish!!!

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[LadyDragus]

oh Maryalice
I am so sorry things have gotten this bad for you. I was hoping the new job, would make things better for you..
But did you not say you would not be away all the time from hom ???
Do what someone else said, buy a puppy or a teddy bear, two just alike and name them and tell him you will always keep it close to you, make is a small one that you can carry in your purse or leave in the car, when you feel down hold it, and tell Alex to do the same.
When I frist had to leave my daughter at my mom's I hd a teddy bear for over 10 years, I gave it to her, and told her to keep in on her bed at night, and that mommie would always be there when she needed me. She still carries the bear to bed with her at night.
She has since 1999 so I feel safer nowing we both have one.. I have a small one I keep in my desk, and it is one she bought me it is a rat, instead of a bear, but she liked it for it is my fav color, purple It will get better,
Have a little faith, and it will all get better..
((((((((((((( hugs )))))))))))))

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

[somebody]

((((Mary Alice))))
One of the things we did for our children when my husband went to sea was give them each a calender so they could cross off the days till he would be back. It gave them a sense of knowing and made the seperation much easier. Just a suggestion. I know it isn't easy on Alex but he is a child and they do adapt...Tell him it is only 5 weeks...show him on the calender the 5 weeks and go over with him when you will be gone and when you will be home. That way he will know it's not forever.

Geesh, I was just thinking on Monday how I wish I had a home in the middle of no where up here in the middle of the woods... I don't want land mines though... I have German Shepards that will keep everyone away just fine...

Take time for you when you are away... search out who you are and what goals you want to make when you do return. search your inner self...

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}

I can sense your pain here....please don't let it wreck you.

If there is anything that is good to come out of this...... that there is a change in you....
"This is something new for me - I avoid conflict like the plague and usually try to shove off doing stuff like that in person by making my husband deliver a note from me. But I went in and did it "
How did that make you feel? That initial reaction? I am imaging it felt good and gave you a boost of confidence.

{{{{{Alex}}}}} give him some of those for me ok? I like Somebody's suggestion of a calendar for him to mark off the days....buy some special stickers for him to put on it. It will give him some control on his feelings too and will show him how much you both mean to each other. For the days when you come home....make it your time like you said.

I truly feel that something wonderful is going to happen when you are away. I believe that the message you are receiving is that there is something bigger and better taking place. Use this time to get to know the "real Mary Alice".

We are tugging that grate on your hole and throwing it to the side


Heather

"The Pessimist complains about the wind, the Optimist expects it to change and the REALIST adjusts his sails." ~~~author unknown

[Fuzzybear]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hang in there hun, thinking of you and bringing more chocolate!

Take care,
Fuzzy

[ErinBear]

Hi....

One of the kids I used to know had a paper chain during vacation from school - all of the kids made one before they left for Christmas vacation. They tore off one paper link each day during Christmas vacation, until it ended - then they knew they would be returning to their class again when the paper chain was gone. I wonder if Alex might like some paper chains? Or something like that. ????

Thinking of you, Mary Alice. I'm sorry things are so hard right now.

Take gentle care of yourself.

Hang in there,
ErinBear

[PlanningtoLive]

Ahhhhhhh Wendy, I LOVE chocolate. Mmmmmmmm, ty.

That anti-social part of me really doesn't want to make any new friends in person anyway. Yes, he was talking to the unemotional me, but Wendy, he really acted so business-like. He finally sent me an email today answering mine telling me that Alex is acting normally, blah, blah......... Not "do you need to call me?" or "I'm here if you need to talk". He used to do that [sigh].

Of course I'm coming........I'm bringing the popcorn and sodas! xoxoxox

Mary Alice

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{LMo}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} you ARE my friend, no doubt about that. I meant in person, in my day to day life. I have no need for friends - don't even want them really.

I have very few friends, and I have a habit of not calling them and not spending time with them. Not because I don't like them, I simply don't want to be bothered. Hard to explain.

Here is different........I look forward to coming on here. I used to spend all my time in the chat rooms, not I'm here all the time.

[pout] we friends?

Mary Alice