[jen29]

Hi everyone,

Just a quick post. don't really think anyone really reads what i have to write anyways, but decided just to say what i have to say.
i don't see a point in me anymore. I try and help people, fail at that too...say something wrong and then something happens. I lose that person or that person won't talk to me.
Don't see a point in trying anymore. Am so tired that i can't sleep...is that even possible? Is it possible to be so tired that you can't sleep?
Anyways, am thinking maybe not to even post this. I don't know what to do. If it does get posted please don't feel bad or sorry for me. I did this to myself.
I sure don't deserve the hugs and the well wishes, just wanted people to know where am at if anyone was wondering.
Sorry
Jen

[*freak*]

I'm glad you posted Please, keep writing if it helps, we all care

I relate so much to your post, but I can't really help (otherwise I would already be ok myself ). The only thing that comes to mind is: you could think of something you'd like to do, something that you find interesting (starting a new activity, beginning to study a subject you'd like to know more about)... anything that gives your life at least a direction, if not a purpose, and makes you keep going.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, I know what it's like
Hang in there

Originally Posted by jen29

Hi everyone,

Just a quick post. don't really think anyone really reads what i have to write anyways, but decided just to say what i have to say.
i don't see a point in me anymore. I try and help people, fail at that too...say something wrong and then something happens. I lose that person or that person won't talk to me.
Don't see a point in trying anymore. Am so tired that i can't sleep...is that even possible? Is it possible to be so tired that you can't sleep?
Anyways, am thinking maybe not to even post this. I don't know what to do. If it does get posted please don't feel bad or sorry for me. I did this to myself.
I sure don't deserve the hugs and the well wishes, just wanted people to know where am at if anyone was wondering.
Sorry
Jen

Jen-This is the first time I've seen you around. Yes, you can get so tired you can't sleep--I'm so tired now- but sleep is not there.

What you say about helping others--I feel often that I don't really help--and I try anyway...lots of people seeem to ignore me too. So that makes two of us!

You deserve hugs and well wishes--I'm sending mine out to you right now!
What are you "sorry" about? I got to meet you now!!!

I'm glad that we met tonight--feeling really badly about myself right now too-------------------------let's talk!!!!!-----theo

[jen29]

thanks for caring enough to reply. I am having a sleep study done on monday night. I average about 2 hours a sleep a night for the last 9 weeks or maybe a little more. I have no clue what started it and now it won't go away. I am on a sleeping pill and a pain pill because my back is totally out and a muscle relaxer. They help for maybe 2 hours if lucky than i get up and can't go back to sleep.
Anyways, it's 5am here, and i can hardly see anymore and my eyes are so heavy. maybe can get in a little sleep before i am up again.
thanks again,
jen

Oh and theo, I haven't been around much lately. I have been a member of PC for almost 2 years now I think. But it was nice to meet you too. You can PM me anytime you wish.

[*freak*]

I hope the sleep study will reveal something useful... Let us know how it goes

Take good care of yourself

jen29, you will not get better beating on yourself.

http://ezinearticles.com/?The-TRUTH-...ughts&id=38137
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/sel...9/METHOD=print
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/15-...e-distortions/

If memory serves, you are not receiving professional help. Maybe you should reconsider?

Be well.

[jen29]

Byz.
I am getting help. Things just aren't going well for me right now. Sorry.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((jen))))

STOP and BREATH. I am glad that you posted and shared what you are feeling. Sometimes when we step back and do not reach out others do not know that you are feeling so bad. We are here and listening to what you have to say. I know that you have helped me and that what you say is important.

My friend, you are cared about so much. the lack of sleep does not help in how we feel about things. When we are tired we cannot think clearly and things mant times seems so much worse than they are. I know for me I am exhausted but sleep just does not come.

When I do sleep it is spiratic a best. I get headaches from lack of sleep and sometimes I cannot get my words to come out right because I cannot think straight. I am so sorry you have not been able to sleep. Hopefully the sleep study will give some idea about what may be going on.

I had a sleep study many years ago, and I had sleep-aphnea. I was stopping breathing which was not good and caused lack of sleep even when I thought I was sleeping. Please let us know how that testing comes out for you.

Remember to breath hon. Take it one minute one second if you need to, and you will be okay. Know that we are here and we are listening. We care. Love you. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[jen29]

((((everyone)))

Thank you for your kind words. I wasn't expecting any response at all, and I am touched by it. Thanks again. I really don't know what to say.
today isn't a good day either. 2 hours of sleep again, and I just don't care about me anymore. I mean why should I. I have nothing to show for myself. My whole family is succeeding at something. Then there is me who can't even hardly walk let alone sleep more than a couple hours at best and that's when i dope myself up with the pain pills.
The anxiety is getting worse and am waking up with pains in the chest. Not like anything serious, and then I have a hard time breathing. i haven't had those kind of attacks in years, and i can't think of anything that would be causing them right now. You'd think I would be too exhausted to even have an anxiety attack let alone 3-5 a day.
I have medication (valium) that i can take for when i have anxiety like that, but i don't like to take it. I don't even like to take the pain pills. I don't even take the allowed amount and sometimes i take one if that a day. I am allowed 4 of one kind and 3 of the muscle relaxers. It's like i need to punish myself and keep myself in pain for as long as can be. I don't understand that part, but have felt the need to punish myself since an early teen. I thought I was getting over that and I was moving on from that. But it's back and it's back big time, almost like overnight it happened.
I have a sleep study tonight and so we'll see what happens. I don't even get the results for another week after that, so it continues till then, and what if there isn't anything that can be done with medication or whatever else they do. I just keep thinking they are going to tell me it's all in my head.
Anyways, I didn't mean to write that much, and am sorry about that.
Thanks to everyone who responded and cares. Hugs and loves to you all.
Jen

jen29, then start making some noise. The treatment is not working. Your treatment team needs to know that NOW. The modalities need to be adjusted or changed.

Rooting for you, Jen.

[feddy]

((((((Jen)))))

Stop apologizing for how you feel. Keep expressing yourself to us here. We are all listening and we all care. You said that you are worried that they will tell you it's all in your head - if you are only sleeping for 2 hours a night and that's the best answer that you can get from your doctors, then go get a 2nd opinion. You DESERVE the best care and you DESERVE to get answers that make sense. Keep searching until you get an answer that makes sense and don't settle for anything less. And don't worry about it until you get the answer. I know that's easier said than done, especially when you are prone to anxiety - I know from experience.

I am sending you warm thoughts and wishing you all the best tonight with your sleep study. All of us here care about you and about what happens to you. Keep sharing with us. We want to know what happens.

Feddy

[jen29]

So i had my sleep study last night. It was a very rough night. Found out I do have sleep apnea. I have to be fitted for the C PAP machine, just a lot of problems going to surround getting to the place that I need to go and stuff like that. I came home and I live with my dad and step-mom, they didn't even care that I found out that I need to go get this done. I don't have a vehicle so i use my dad's vehicle and he told me that i can't use it to go to my appointments that I need to do all this stuff today. I have to go into the next state which is about 30 min or so, but he did bring me to my appointment last night because my step-mom's sister and brother-in-law where here and he really can't stand them....so it's like I can do stuff or he can do stuff for me when it is most convenient for him. So i can use my mom's vehicle, it's just that when my dad told me this stuff it's like he could care less about me or finding out that something really is going on at night. They totally didn't believe that I wasn't sleeping at night and that I sleep all the time. I feel so undeserving of things right now. I could care less about myself as I feel so does my dad and step-mom.
My step-mom sufferes from RA and right now i guess that's so much more important than anything i am going through...which i understand that she is in pain and stuff, but for the last month she has been doing so good until today she came home from her appointment and went to bed and has been there for the last 8 hours. How the **** does she think that I sleep all the time.
I am just really fed up with things right now. I have been trying to get my own place and am just waiting for some people to start moving out of the low-income apartments and i will get a place, it probably will be a year though, and to tell you the truth, i can't take it here another year. I am unable to work right now because of my back, plus with no vehicle it's hard to get to work...but am sure that could be worked out because that would involve money with my dad. It's not like I don't pay for the gas I use and I pay insurance on the car. I guess am just feeling sorry for myself again, and feeling very undeserving of what i need to be able to maybe get a good night's sleep again.
Anyways, enough is enough
Jen

[shaggy dog]

I've had trouble in the past getting a good nights sleep and I get alot of help from my cpap machine. The masks take a little getting used to but I hope it will help you. I vote for you as person most deserving of a good night's sleep and I hope you get it. Good luck. shaggy

[SophiaG]

Originally Posted by jen29

Hi everyone,

Just a quick post. don't really think anyone really reads what i have to write anyways, but decided just to say what i have to say.
i don't see a point in me anymore. I try and help people, fail at that too...say something wrong and then something happens. I lose that person or that person won't talk to me.
Jen

"A good will isnt good because of what it effects or accomplishes, it's good in itself. Even if by the upmost effort the good will accomplishes nothing, it would still shine like a jewel for its own sake as something which has its full value in itself" - Kant