I hate the last 5 years of my life...

I am 21 years old. I never really had anything in my life. I never had a boyfriend. I never felt true happiness. Of course there are times when I was happy, but I never felt that feeling that i was going to be ok. From the end of last year to now, everything has been a roller coaster. I am literally failing out of my community college. There are numerous scars on my arms. My older brother tried to take his life, which still kills me inside. I feel embarrassed that my younger cousin got into a very great uc school-Berkeley to be exact. I have all these thoughts and pain every day. I wish that i can escape and build a new life. I want no one to know me, I want to refresh my life. It feels like I hate everyone. I always blame my father, but I know that i play a part in it too. Its hard finding happiness for me. I cry every day. I just to d everything all over again.

I'm your age and I hate all of the last 21 years of my life

I'm really sorry you're going through all this. I think I know the feeling of never having had anything in your life. It was a mracle I was able to graduate from high school. After that I wasn't able to go to the university or to find a job. The one I have now was provided by the mental health center I had to be admitted to after I attempted suicide.
It sounds like you're having some problems with some of your family members. I know that too. As for my social life... well, I don't have one.

Do you know what's keeping you from making your goals and dreams come true? Would you be willing to consider discussing it with a professional? Just a thought. It could help. In the mean time feel free to post here any time.

Take care

Hello & Welcome, Rockie!
I'd like to second *Freak*'s questions and add, "Are your goals and dreams really yours and not ones others have foisted upon you?"

Please keep posting.

Hang in there, I felt the same as you when I was your age..my life slowly improved, as I am guessing yours will.....my whole family went to Ivy league schools as well...one thing I have learned that I have found so important is not to compare yourself with others...we are all individuals, with unique traits, respect that

What kinds of things make you happy, do you enjoy doing??

In the beginning, I worked so hard to be the person I had imagined. But then things just went wrong, and I started to not care anymore. I kept saying to myself each day will be different but it has been the same day for the last 5 years. I cannot even look at my father sometimes. He has damage me, my brothers, and my mom ever since the beginning. I get mad at my mom for letting him do the things he did to me and my brothers-even to herself. I hate it when people come up to me and say that my dad is such a nice guy, but if they really looked at me they would see the scars that he left on my face, or that half my scars on my arms are cause of him.
I just feel that I am stuck. It just helps that here I can release my feelings without judgment. Cause I know for a fact my parents see the scars on my arms and they say nothing about them, or they just take what I say about them like i accidentally got cut. Its like you envision yourself somewhere and to be someone and then you are not. have you ever felt that? I am so embarrassed at the stage in my life.
I try hard to not compare myself to others, but its always right i my thoughts that people are better than me. And I can never do things that make me happy. I am literally confined in these four white walls. I am not exaggerating too. I try to do things and go out but there is always a struggle. Either my dad says yes then gets mad at my mom, or he despises me for doing stuff. I can never win.

Just wanted to say you seem like a very beautiful person to me

I am going to post a link on cognitive distortions, it may help..

Are you in therapy?

I believe God created you..and He does not create junk..

Can you set boundaries between yourself and your parents? Move out, even if you need public assistance to do it at first?

Here is that link I promised you

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=108173

rockie, have you considered seeking professional help? Five years is a long time without relief.

@junerain..thank you for that post.
I am trying to get some help now. I just told me best friend about it. But i feel so embarrassed especially after what happen to my brother. I dont want anything to be i public knowledge. For my family, they are so traditional and my cousin committed suicide 2 years ago. People never suspected me of ever being like this.

It is great you told your best friend

That's what best friends are for!

Keep writing and expressing how you truly feel here...

..........I am feeling these emotions with you

rockie I can relate to a lot of what you say. Our situations aren't the same but a lot of it is similar. I'm 25 now, but I was 21 when I started reaching out for help (I didn't seek enough of it though, hence me still struggling, I've only recently started therapy and am determined now that it's "once and for all")... there's no shame in mental illness, it's not a choice, it's not a personality flaw... same as someone having cancer, it's an illness. And when you're ill you get treatment. If things are hard, if you feel depressed, it's ok to get help for that, to feel better. You owe it to yourself, you deserve to be happy.
You don't have to involve anyone if you don't want to. It might help to have someone to talk to, seems like you trust your best friend to share things with so that's good.

How's your self esteem/confidence? I've felt that's the biggest thing holding me back from ever feeling properly happy. You can change the situation (I've 'ran away' from my problems a few times but they always go with you)...but unless you change the way you feel about yourself it's hard to ever feel good. That's my opinion on it anyway.

@Lisa Michelle i never really told anyone the truth ever. I was always smart hiding it from people close to me. I was that girl who was always happy and had a smile on her face. Its just now, things are just overwhelming.I never ever had the greatest confidence. I always compared myself to people-i know its wrong-but i can never help it. I just start thinking to myself that could have been me and now its now. I always run away from my problems. Like right now, I am basically failing at school. I cannot seek eye to my teachers. I just feel so pathetic.

You are not pathetic...you reaching out here for support and that is beautiful


Sometimes we have to accept where we are...I have had to do this with my career...I recently dropped out my master's program, knowing, I could never be a teacher, as much as I would like to be one... I have had to accept I will probably work with kids and wait tables my whole life...

But I have great, great friends, a possible boyfriend in the last 2 weeks,
and I am truly a kind person, I know these things as well...

What do you know about yourself?

@Junerain i think you are totally right about knowing who you are. I think in my life, I have no idea who I am. I tend to act certain ways to certain people. I dont know who i am and i think thats a problem I have been struggling with. But I am so happy with you and your boyfriend. I just hope that I can get to where you are one day.

rockie, if school is a struggle could you talk to somebody about it? I mean, when I was failing uni (by not doing my assignments and then not turning up to exams-- I figured better to not do it than to do it and fail!! bad move) I really didn't realise what was available to me in the form of help. Now I see people getting extensions left right and centre! Also it turns out if you do an assignment and fail, you can get special circumstances if you're struggling with depression or whatever. I wasn't able to talk about it at all, but if I HAD I think there would have been so much available to me that I would have had some relief (like stressing at deadlines, in my last year at uni I found deadlines so stressful I started not doing the work instead). Not sure I'm making sense.
You can also take a year out, have a break, come back to it later.
Welll... I'm in the UK, it might be different here, but I'm sure there will be things you can ask for that will help you. They want you to pass.

I do the same thing, comparing myself. Right now I'm living at home, doing nothinggg, cos I had a 'breakdown', I can't work, even the tiniest thing scares me, I can't go out on my own, can't make decisions, I get so flustered over simple things like what to have for lunch. I can't help but look at other people who were in my year at school and thing --- I have nothing. I really have no clue who I am, I think I'm nobody but not sure how to make myself be somebody again, you know? Just basically letting you know you're not alone.
I do the running away from my problems thing too (I even ran as far as spain for over a year lol) but find your problems go with you you just have to face them and work through them, you can never just run away from them. That's one of the most important things I've learnt in the last few years. PLease face your problems, you can run as much as you can, but your problems run with you. x

Rockie you cannot compare yourself to others. Doing so will only make you feel bad. Know that you have inherent worth and whatever you do it is right for you.

Are you getting mental health help? Maybe CC isnt the right thing for you right now?

Oh and I dont know who I am either lots of people dont.

rockie, take the step to start the journey to a better life. Get referred to a psychologist for an evaluation and any necessary treatment. Gettin better will not be easy. There will be ebbs and flows. Even so, what you are doing is not working. Make the call, roll up your sleeves and start the process.

Good luck.

Hi Rockie, i am 22 yeard old, and i feel the same, all of my friends have gone to good universities. I went to a university in Germany, but i flunked out and returned here. I have no hobbies, no passions what so ever. How ever o only go gone because i am a mom of a 2 year old, and i have an amazing and wonderful husband. I have been feeling worhtless and really sad

How are you doing, rockie?