[phantasmagoric]

I cried this morning. Really cried. I have no idea how long it's been since I did that.

Isn't it a sign of social failure when you hit your lowest point in years and all you can think to do is go on the ****ing Internet and write something in a ******* forum?

I realized this morning how alone I am. And no, I'm not saying that in the teenage angsty ******** way... I mean I have literally nobody to go to. My best friend is my ex, and whenever I talk to her I end up talking about how much I hate being single and having no friends, which only hurts her. It's like picking a scab. I need to let that wound heal, and talking with her just does more damage.

The only other friend I have I've only gotten to know a little. I only see her in school, and she knows almost nothing about my problems. I don't know her well enough to know that she wouldn't run the other way...

And that's it... I can't talk to my father, because he doesn't understand much at all when it comes to my issues. I'm not blaming him, it's not his fault. As he's told me, he's a duck. He's able to let things just roll off his back.

I could talk to my mother, but I don't want to put that on her. I inherited my depression from her, and I think I also inherited some addictive tendencies. She's an alcoholic, sober for over a year I think(what a horrible son... I don't even know...), and I've already put plenty of stress on her where I'm suprised she hasn't started drinking again.

And even after seeing my psych for over 5 years, I don't feel comfortable talking to him about everything. He knows nothing about my frustrations with my sexuality, my self-image issues, or eating-related problems...

I'm a senior in Highschool. I've got less than a week until graduation, and I'm failing classes I need to graduate. My whole life people, teachers, have been giving me chances. They're going to let me come back, they may let me get by a little short on credits, theyll let me do summer school... AND I HAVE A MENTAL BREAKDOWN NOW?!?!!? Idk why, but I can't push this **** to the side and focus on school...

Everything should be fine. It's more than just possible for me to graduate, I've got a good paying job and I'll get plenty of hours, and I'm going to be in a band which is something I've dreamed of for like ever... But, as always, I'm not happy. I'm lonely, I'm single, and caught in limbo with my ex because there's nobody else to help me move on ...

I hate myself, because last night I had a ******* panic attack, so instead of singing in my final choir concert which is the final concert that choir ever has (****ing budget cuts) I took off and drove about 40 miles... then I picked my ex up and we talked, and I again said all the wrong things and made her sad, and then ended up desperately trying to make us both feel better by making her think there was still a chance for us when it was really just a way of manipulating her to get her to do a "favor" for me... I have no ****ing self control... I HATE MYSELF.....

I obviously can't deal with regular life in this state, but I have no idea what to do....I could seek help and get put in the psych ward for a while, which costs something like $1,000 a day, which will put my family further in debt since my mom's job is temporary, my dad found out he's losing his job in July, and we have less that $1,000 in savings. And that option wouldn't guarantee I'd get better. I honestly feel that the depression will never be gone... what else is there?

Well, this has gotten me to wondering what the average funeral cost is compared to what it will cost my loved ones if I keep dragging this pathetic ******** on for another 20 years at least....

((sorry for the swearing and likely incomprehensible babbling.....))

[SophiaG]

Originally Posted by phantasmagoric

Isn't it a sign of social failure when you hit your lowest point in years and all you can think to do is go on the ****ing Internet and write something in a ******* forum?

No, its not

[lynn P.]

I hear you're under alot of pressure. Are you on medication? I had something happen to me that was devastating a fews years ago, but since I have 2 young girls, I wasn't able to fall apart, even though I felt like crumbling. To be honest I went into what I call - robot mode - I just did what needed to be done.

I understand you're grieving and feel lonely but the priority is school for you - you need to graduate. Since you have a job can you help out your parents financially?? This is a transition time and it's normal to feel pressure. How's your diet and exercise? Other people will come into your life, so don't worry about that for now and it's normal to grieve that relationship. Don't worry about the past and focus on the present -keeping yourself well and finishing school -schools your future. You say you're struggling with your sexuality - maybe you should post in the sexuality forum. Speak to your doctor if you can't cope.

[justfloating]

((((((((((((phantasmagoric))))))))))))))

I read the whole thing. And I'm sorry that you're in so much pain right now. I know what it's like. Depression goes WAY beyond the realms of teenage angst. For depressives, the usual amount of teen angst would actually be a huge step up from what we feel.

I'm sorry about your family's financial problems but consider this for a moment: even if your funeral costs were less than your treatment costs, which do you think your parents would rather pay? Which do you think they would say wasn't worth it? I bet they'd rather pay for you to get treatment than to lose the son that they love. The EMOTIONAL cost of losing you would be far greater than ANY monetary costs. EVER. And I hate to be blunt but if your mother suffers from/has suffered from depression and alcoholism, there is a pretty good chance that she's going to have a harder time than most with her grief. That's just the way it works. I suffer from depression myself and recently lost a loved one, and the grief was magnified ten times by my depression. Under no circumstances would your parents ever find it preferable to lose you!!!!

I tried to lean on my ex for support too. Didn't work out so well. We weren't the kind of people who should've even attempted being "just friends" after everything else that happened. But I know how hard it is letting go, especially when they've been your best friend and confidante. I don't really have any advice on that (I personally handled it really badly) but I just wanted you to know that I understand.

From the sounds of things, you really need help. It's good that you have a psychiatrist but your treatment would probably go a lot further if you had one you were comfortable with. It can take a lot of time and effort to find someone you can talk to, but they ARE out there. Sometimes, for whatever reason, we just don't "click" with certain people, even the professionals trying to help us, and that's perfectly okay. It just means we have to move on to the next one. In the meantime, if you are simply having a hard time communicating your feelings to your psychiatrist, why not print out this post to show him? I think it expresses how things are going very well. This way you won't have to say anything, it'll all be laid out there on paper, and he'll be better able to give you the help you need.

Anyway, hang in there and take care of yourself. You're not alone in your feelings and things CAN get better. I know it doesn't seem that way now but from someone who's been where you are, there ARE brighter days ahead.

[phantasmagoric]

Okay, yes I'm on meds... for depression I'm on seroquel, and they added welbutrin a little while back.
I'm so tired of meds, tired of being like "Oh, that's what's wrong. The meds are the problem" when I was okay a few weeks ago.

I'm not seriously thinking about suicide, I can't even think of how. I don't want do that to everyone who's worked so hard to help me. I'm just to the point where I have no idea how to get better. idk, I can't keep my thoughts straight enough to know whether or not I'm really in danger of doing something stupid...

And I know how important it is to graduate, but I just can't get out of this hole i'm in. I'm trying, but that's adding to the depression and the feeling of failure. I doubt I'm going to be able to graduate if I go into the hospital, but I'm not so sure I will anyways. I'm supposed to be at school right now, but I was balling my eyes out earlier and couldn't muster the energy to get out of bed... I also didn't feel safe driving, because I get random urges to say "**** this", slam on the gas and let go of the wheel..

Yesterday when I just drove I was at times doing about 80 down old highways and dirt roads..... but, I did forget my meds yesterday... idk, still don't feel safe driving....

[Rohag]

Hi, Phantasmagoric!

Originally Posted by phantasmagoric

I'm supposed to be at school right now, but ... didn't feel safe driving...

Psychotropic/antipsychotic medications require you to "use caution when operating machinery or driving a car." Your judgment that you are currently unsafe to drive is a legitimate, mature act. You are being a responsible patient. If that makes you late or absent from school, you have a valid excuse.

Use this time for self-care, including getting on an Internet forum...

[SophiaG]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Hi, Phantasmagoric!


Use this time for self-care, including getting on an Internet forum...

Yes, see? You are doing the right thing by talking to us

[*freak*]

Just deleted a whole post. I'll just let you know that I care, but have no idea how to help you because I'm in your same situation as far as hopelessness and "idk wtf to do" is concerned.

I would print out your first post and hand it as it is to your pdoc though. Maybe he can come up with something that doesn't involve putting you in a psych ward (btw, avoid that for as long as you can).

Take care.

Hello, phantasmagoric. Does your psychiatrist know how you feel? Perhaps you could copy your posts and give or mail them to your psychiatrist? He or his replacement need to know about those concerns you have not disclosed.

Are you seeing a therapist? If not, why not?

You need to address your self-care issues now. Talk of possibly harming your self is very serious. Not graduating is not the end of the world. You can always get a GED.

Please call your psychiatrist and get things moving.

Good luck.