[James0805]

I tried to hurt myself many years ago. Now I realize I would have devastated my family. I feel very bad about that and I don't know how to handle my guilt. Please only give kind replies

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, James0805!

Please feel free to ignore the following questions, especially if they evoke bad feelings/trigger you.

Have you ever, by yourself or with the assistance of a therapist, thoroughly analyzed that long-ago attempt? What kept you alive then?

Have you been living with this guilt for a long time, or has the guilt only now or recently suddenly intensified or appeared? Is there anything that might have caused the guilt to sharpen at this time?

Situation permitting, I'll try to come up with some "self-forgiveness" links.

[*freak*]

Hello, welcome to PC

I feel very guilty about pretty much everything I do or don't do, say or don't say. There's one thing I'm not sorry for, and will never be: my occasional suicide attempts. It's not my fault if life often gets unbearable and if nobody helps me dealing with the overwhelming sorrow I feel.

I think it's the same for you. And if this is not enough for you to forgive yourself, maybe you can try considering that at the time you didn't realize the consequences your death would have for those who care about you. It's not like you completely disregarded them, you weren't aware of them (NOT your fault, depression's fault).

Take care

[secret_titan]

Originally Posted by James0805

I tried to hurt myself many years ago. Now I realize I would have devastated my family. I feel very bad about that and I don't know how to handle my guilt. Please only give kind replies

The only thing I can add is not to worry.... You are alive today and your family loves you.

[Lisa Michelle]

Hi James,

I'm sorry you're feeling such guilt over this, but I am sure you had your reasons, I'm sure you thought at the time that it was the right thing to do, even if it wasn't. We can only do our best, and I guess you were in such a bad place that you just didn't know how to get out. You didn't succeed with your suicide attempt and you realised what's important to you, I assume, and this is good. You now know that you would never want to let your family go through that.
Sometimes it does take something extreme to shake us up and make us realise what, and who, really matters, and what we're willing to do or not do for the things that are important to us.
You're still here, you're there for your family. You attempted suicide, and I do understand you feel guilt, but you didn't do it again, you didn't do it until you succeeded, that has to count for something. That has to show you that you're so strong to keep going when what you really wanted to do was get out. You stayed. That's what counts.

Guilt is a horrible thing to live with. We ALL do things we're not proud of, we've all hurt people, we've all had selfish moments or moments when we weren't at our best. BUt we're all human. We learn from our mistakes and we grow and get stronger. I think you've done this and you should be proud, not guilty.

It's nice to have you here with us. I hope I've not said anything that might be upsetting (I might have a habit of that so I'm wary) ... I read your first post and you mentioned having low self esteem, I'm suffering with the same thing, I think improving that would help you with ... everything, probably. Well, I know for me it is key. Whatever I'm doing, wherever I am, I don't like myself. That inner voice can be horrible! Maybe if you knew you were ok, that you weren't perfect but you were good enough, maybe you wouldn't still feel so bad about something that happened (or rather didn't happen) in the past. You are not that one action that happened years ago, there's much more to you than just this one incident, don't put so much importance on it (easier said than done I know). What matters, really, is now.

sorry to write so much ...

[shiba]

Originally Posted by James0805

I tried to hurt myself many years ago. Now I realize I would have devastated my family. I feel very bad about that and I don't know how to handle my guilt. Please only give kind replies

James, things must have been so hard for you at the time, Im glad your still here. Remember James that we cant ever change the past, but we can do our best in future, and it looks like your trying your best. Please give yourself a chance.
xxxx

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by James0805

I tried to hurt myself many years ago. Now I realize I would have devastated my family. I feel very bad about that and I don't know how to handle my guilt. Please only give kind replies

I was in the same place also.....with a husband & a high school aged daughter & my Mother (my Dad had died of a heart attack 5+years before that). It wasn't just once, it was many times over many years. It's in the past, it was the depression & hopelessness I was feeling at the time & I also realized later on, it was in part the actual marriage was adding to how I was feeling.

I am sure it would have effected all of my family in a horrible way, but caring about that wasn't where I was at the time. I made it through several times that was really a miracle. Now I am so very glad of those miracles as I had no idea how really wonderful my life was going to end up (even with struggles, I am in a very wonderful place). My mother died of cancer & she needed me to protect & care for her, I left my husband & I have a loving relationship with my daughter. The past is behind me & there has been no need to feel guilty. I realized that I went through that for many reasons. It gave me a much deeper understanding by having experienced that so that I have been able to support others who have been in the same place I was. Before that point in my life, mental health issues were a foreign concept. I think that even for my daughter, going through it in her way has helped her support others in her life whose family member didn't have the miracle outcomes as I did. She has been able to share with them & with me. It opened channels that wouldn't have been open otherwise.

It doesn't mean that what I did was right or good, but with time, we have been able to make good come from the experiences I went through with my suicide attempts. One never knows what opportunities to share & really make a difference will come from what you have gone through.....It doesn't make what we did right, but when we can help others, at least we can make something good out of something not good that we did.

Guilt only destroys us & adds to our depression. It is better to acknowledge to our family that we know we could have hurt them, apologize & then let go & put the past behind you & look to your future. Then you can use what you learned from your feelings for the good of helping others who may be struggling with those similar feelings & desires. Helping others with their struggles to get through those very difficult feelings gives a good worthwhile feeling that is positive & distracts from any depression we might feel in the future also.

I hope you will be able to let go of the guilt & use what you went through for a positive future & you will be blessed by having gone through those difficult emotions.

Best wishes for your future

Welcome! You shouldn't feel guilt over this long ago attempt, it was YOUR life that was almost lost, not one of you're family members, I'd recomend you seeing a therapist, he/she'll tell you that this is just an irrational thought, and probably brought on by overanalyzing, often a symptom of depression and/or anxiety. (I studied psychology, but I'm also a patient) I hope this helps, at least a little bit, I know your family doesn't place blame on you, they are just happy your alive and well.

[sugahorse1]

James - I too have been in the position. I "luckily" didn't succeed. it took me a long time to try digest what had actually gone on. I had people angry with me, people that wanted nothing to do with me, people lecturing me on how selfish my thinking had been.
All I can say is that with time it all heals. You take need to take stock of your life, investigate what drove you to that stage and make any necessary changes to your life to avoid this in the future. This is in the past and you need to work on letting it go. I'm sure your family is just glad to have you

[SophiaG]

" finish each day and be done with it. you have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson