dead inside

I feel dead inside. Like there is no point to anything anymore. I was supposed to be successful and all I feel like is a failure. Working so hard was never enough. What is the point?

Hi googley, I'm sorry you are feeling so down on things. I imagine there are alot of ways to measure success and none of us are failures but I'm sorry you feel like you are one. I'm sorry you are feeling so numb and hopeless and in so much pain. I wish your self esteem wasn't so low. My thoughts to you for a better day tomorrow.

Hi Googley,
I'm sorry you feel so low. Did anything in particular happen? You are not a failure at all. Everything is difficult with depression, just keep caring for you. Success means to just keeping pushing forward. My deepest good wishes are with you.

(((((Googley))))))

I know how you feel *safe hugs*

((((((( Googley! )))))))
Please feel free to ignore or simply not openly reply to the following questions.

• What kind of "successful" are/were you supposed to be?
• Who and/or what planted that specific "success" mandate in you?
• Are you following your own vision, another's vision for you that you've genuinely appropriated for yourself, or another's vision that has been foisted upon you?

(((((googley))))

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. You are you and that is all you will ever need to be. It is good enough.

(((((((Googley)))))

Would like to thank Rohag for insightful post.

(((Googley))))

1. I was supposed to move to grad school and complete my degree. I wasn't supposed to have my professors think I'm a failure. (and yes they do, this isn't a projection) My degree was supposed to help me get to the point where I could work in a profession helping people. Helping people makes me happy.
2. I guess part of it is that I have to be as good as my brothers. If I don't succeed then I'm a failure. And I already know how my parent's view one of my brothers for not making it through grad school. But at the same time, I know I can't do what I want to with my life without this degree. So it is internal too.
3. This is my want. And this is the only way to get there. (literally)

And all I'm doing is failing.
without this it feels like there is nothing.

Do you know how many people there are out there without any sort of college degree? a lot.

you said grad school - does this mean you have an undergrad degree? If so congratz on that! What caused you not to go back to grad school, and if that's what you want what's stopping you from getting there again?

Its really hard to not compare yourself to a sibling but I think you have to let that go - I have to work on that too with my sister =)

I agree with Sophia btw, a college degree does not define your success or lack thereof.

I am in grad school currently. The problem is that I'm failing. My life is falling apart. My professors think I'm going to fail. I'm losing my T because I can't afford it and it isn't covered by my school's health insurance. I spent three years working to get the vita I needed to get into grad school in the first place.

While in most families a college degree does not define success, in my family it does. I know how my parents treated my brother when he failed out of grad school. I already have a strained enough relationship with them I don't need their condemnation.

My dad was the first one in his family to go to college and then go and get a JD. Anything less is considered failure. It took me forever to get my dad to understand that needing to get more experience in my field didn't mean that I wasn't going on to grad school.

So yes, for my family success does have a lot to do with getting a degree.

googly, i am sorry that yur family places such high expections on you, that is stressful enough. but really the most importnat person that you need to worry about is you and not anybody else and as someone else said you finshed out under grad school adn that is a huge accomplishment , i too feel like a failure most days becaue i didnt even finsih high school adn my last sememster at the local community college and becaue of that i cant get a good job, a carrer, and not some jib that i would slave away at. but i know that thre is so much more that i have accomplsihed over the yrs, it just takes sometime to stop and think about it is all, so maybe when you take some time out which is what it sounds like yu may need, reflect back on all that you have done and i am sure that its a lot

Googley,
I know just how you feel. You are being so hard on yourself. It is a whole different thing to be "not doing well" in school because you are overwhelmed, anxious, and depressed. This was how it was for me (for several years) during college. I tried so hard but felt completely overwhelmed and spent a lot of time crying in my room. It seemed so easy for everyone else. But they didn't have serious depression to deal with along with schoolwork. To make matters worse I called my Dad up one day to tell him about this class I was so excited to take. His response? "Why are you taking that? It's too hard and you're gonna fail." Googley, sometimes parents have no clue. They should be supportive of you. Imho this is their job. You are going through a tough time and obviously using tremendous amounts of your inner reserves. How awesome you are pushing through in order to help others! They should be supporting you no matter what.
HUgs.

Good self esteem has to do with not caring what other people think and realizing your life is your own.

Oh, Googley, I'm so sorry you have to bear these weights. You've helped people, you help people, you enjoy doing so -- that proves you're a wonderful person no matter what others think. Yet, struggling with depression and physical ailments, what others think wounds you and adds to your distress.

Here's to Googley: the distressed and wonderful!

I'm sorry your family is treating you and your brother this way. It's not right. Do know that for them failure is another's high success. Some people - many people - don't go to undergrad, some people don't FINISH undergrad. You're one step ahead regardless. And even if you fail now, you probably have a few credits you can use later if/when you return =)

((((((((((Googley)))))))))))

I feel like everyone is criticizing me for having a hard time. Yes I completed undergrad and am in grad school. But does that make my problems and less valid because I am currently in school. Just because a lot of people don't make it to this level (as others have pointed out) does not mean that I'm not having a hard time. I work hard every day to get out of bed and to go to class and to do my homework. Just like someone who works hard to get out of bed and go to work and take care of their family. I thought I could come here for support of my problems, but I guess not. I guess my educational achievement which I achieved through multiple bouts of major depression two of which landed me in the hospital means that I can't have any issues and that my life must be perfect. I guess I will take my search for support elsewhere to where people realize that educational achievement does not fix problems and make depression go away. Especially not when every action in being analyzed by those around you for any slip up or failure. If everyone just thinks that my educational level means that I don't have any issues guess again. I haven't made it to where I am because my depression has gone away, but in spite of it.

Hey, I think I came across wrong in my reply or you misinterpreted - dunno which. I meant to point out that you MADE it through undergrad, but in no way shape or form did I mean that you weren't suffering! I'm kind of in the same boat - I haven't made it through yet but even depressed I've had to slosh through the "depression mud" - I really DO understand what you're saying and where you're coming from, I was just trying to be positive and point out what you've achieved

I don't think success means you're problem free - I'm sorry if you feel that way, and I really hope you can feel comfortable still posting ((((((googley)))))) I'd be sad not to see your posts around

Thinking of you, and really hope your depression can lift a bit (((((Googley))))))