out of nowhere

I get my depressed thoughts and feelings on an otherwise good day. I don't know what triggers them, I guess whenever I think about my life too hard instead of living in the moment...

I'm not fishing for compliments or anything, nor am I suicidal, just describing how I feel.

I am of no use to the world. I'm a waste of time, resources, space, everything. I have yet to find a job as it is, every day I feel myself getting stupider. I had a chance, I've had chances, but ultimately people with better social skills won out in the end. Or aren't cowards. I think of where I'd like to be in life, and then look at my competition which is far more talented and have more passion. I can't compete with that, and I don't want to go through my whole life doing something I hate or find boring just so I can live. I don't see the point in continuing my existence even though I know I wouldn't kill myself. Even though I know it'd hurt my family when I think about them it feels like they wouldn't miss me, or at least get over it soon enough. I mean, eventually they'll want me gone anyways.

Drawing helps the feelings of despair but they don't change the mindset. When i try to disengage this though process with logic it helps a lot but I end up feeling like ****. And I think to myself, what triggers all of this negativity? I don't know. I know I mentioned earlier it's when I think about my life too hard but for awhile I've looked at my future optimistically, and then today is like all that left me and I'm in this vapid pit of sadness. Oddly enough I'm kinda addicted to drawing right now and I'm not as a perfectionist or critical about as I usually am. Maybe that's just apathy, I dunno but it's nice to actually enjoy something I know I do instead of being so wrapped up in frustration that I'm just not capable of producing the pictures in my head (yet?) I bet if I had a keyboard I'd like to play some music and probably wouldn't care if I hit the wrong notes either even though normally I hate hitting wrong notes so much I'd tense up and my teacher would warn me if I kept playing like that I'd end up with tendinitis down my whole arm. Still, it's kind of nice to actually enjoy something.

I feel myself so disconnected to other people. Like I have no social skills at all, I don't understand grief because I don't feel it, I know sadness but I just don't know how to comfort sad people anymore. I feel like I'll never survive "in the real world" because even now when it's like I'm on an extended vacation people would kill for, life overwhelms me.

Im sorry you are in so much pain right now Kaika. I'm sorry you are feeling so detached. Everybody has a useful purpose in life and you say you're family would miss you so they must care about you deeply. I'm glad you have an outlet in your drawings. I wish I could see them, I'd like that. You will be in my thoughts and I hope you can feel better. shaggy

Kaika it is a bad bad economy right now. You just have to keep trying, keep applying and you WILL get a job. I know its disheartenining. I know it's frustrating, but eventually you WILL get what you want.

I think it's wonderful you can draw Kaika. What sort of things do you draw?

Are you on any medications for depression? Are you seeing a therapist?

Be gentle with yourself through this trying time and try to keep in perspective those who love and cherish you and also the impermenence of suffering.

Love and Hugs,

SophiaG

Hi Kaika,

Not sure if I have anything too helpful to add. SophiaG and Shaggy made good points. Only that I can really relate - especially about feeling so easily overwhelmed (when not working). Hang in there Kaika, keep doing any and all of the things you love and care about. I have found therapy very helpful, do you see anyone? Sending good thoughts your way.

E

Hi Kaika, though it's always good to see your name here (and I hadn't seen in a short while) I'm sorry you're hurting.

I'm sorry you can't get out of this mindset right now, I'm also hard pressed to do the same. What's helping me right now is that I know this is a DOWN, but there will be UPS. Sometimes that's hard to believe/remember, so I hope some reminders can help.

Hi, Kaika! Remember this:


Thank you again! I treasure it.

thanks for your replies everyone
I started to feel better a few hours after I wrote that
I stareted to feel down again today but it wasn't so bad and wasn't as long.

Yesterday I drew some original characters, and I tried to make a comic with them but it didn't turn out well. But... I wasn't stressing about it because I pretty much have no experience with making comics anyways. I also drew a picture of Flapjack and was busy stippling away at a picture I was thinking about submitting to an art contest of a petsite I like. I'm not all that great at coloring/shading but I like to do a lot of ink art.

my camera batteries are dead right now otherwise I'd take some pictures. I think I need a scanner or working tablet for my birthday lol.



Yeah, I see a therapist but I havn't seen him since... maybe December? He wanted me on medication for my depression but I don't want it. (or at least use it as a last resort) and am stubborn about that. when I have really bad days I think about changing my mind but then those are followed by good days.

Yeah, I remember that and thank you

Kaika, it's great you're able to vent here, that helps me too sometimes.
Sorry to hear the negative thinking is creeping in a little. I can relate a lot with what you said - I do much better when I don't focus on my life (in particular the future), but when I do I begin to really panic and my self esteem is... crushed, I suppose. Constant thoughts of "what am I going to do?" especially related to a job. So... I know some of how you feel.

Sounds great that you enjoy to draw, I bet you're good at it, it's a shame you can't take a pic of some of your art work or scan it in. Maybe sometime in the future you'll be able to do that for us. I'd genuinely like to see your work.

I know you feel (or were feeling?) like a waste of space, but I very much doubt that. You seem like a very interesting person, really creative and open - there will always be a 'use' for that kind of person.
Your social skills on here at least seem fine. Do you have problems talking to people or..? For me my social skills took a dive because I've isolated myself for.. nearly a year... and I feel like I have no idea how to 'chit chat' (plus I hate it). I have no friends here so I've become a bit of a hermit, only hanging around with my mum (and I'm 25!). Perhaps you like me have problems with self esteem? What I mean is, you are probably fine with people but you doubt yourself.

I know how you feel when you say "life overwhelms me". I guess I don't know the answer to that one (I know it wasn't a question), just... keep trying.

I hope today is a good day for you x

I know exactly how you feel. I used to feel like that a lot. Tried meds, they seem to cheer me up a little bit and then eventually stop working, and I get lots of unpleasant side effects. For some people though the difference is dramatic. I think different people are helped better by different approaches or a combination.

Now I am trying to make some significant and positive life changes at the moment, get my life to the next level, those same thoughts and feelings crop up again periodically out of the blue with some force.

Have you considered posting your work for critiques and feedback on an arts site? I use deviantArt, the community there is mostly warm and friendly.

kaika, im sorry you feel so depressed. you seem very depressed. depression manifests itself in many ways and having depression, for me, is very confusing at times. all this feelings and you dont know where they are coming from. i understand how you feel in social situations, im almost 18 and not graduating high school kind of makes me feel the same way. i dont think anybody here is stupid. we waste opportunities and avoid people because of fear or shame....the one piece of advise i can give you is to not indulge in those negative feelings. try to be rational and think things through. just dont make yourself feel any worse. i dont know how good i am at giving advice but i hope you feel better.