[Choson]

So I have to say, I realized that I've become really bitter...
Because:

* I'm going through this hell when all my friends (or ex-friends) are happy and living life as they ought to be
* I had a father who never gave me the things I needed as a beloved son
* I have to drink myself to sleep every night
* I see random people on the streets who are with a significant other
* My ex-girlfriend betrayed my trust, my heart and it still lingers...
* God remains to be silent and non-responsive
* I've become totally helpless and incompetent
* I've lost a lot of my friends
* I feel alone .... so very alone and no one understands me

I want to forgive my dad, my ex-girlfriend, and most importantly myself...but why is it so damn hard? I know that forgiveness will help tremendously. I miss the times I woke up looking forward to the day that God had given to me.

[StarrySkies]

I'm fairly new to all this but I would first say that obviously you are not alone. I signed up for this because I was elated to notice that I am not the only person who feels upset for no reason or can't seem to find the energy to get out of bed in the morning. That helpless feeling went away when I figured out that depression is why I'm always uneasy. I had an emotionally unavailable father who wanted a son and got me, a cheating ex who I recently got drunk and told him I missed him but still hate him, and despite all of the people in these forums I feel alone too. But it helps to know there are others. Hell, it helps to just rant on here every now and then. I'm a big fan of physical activity to alleviate the emotional pain. I run and use a punching bag.

[SophiaG]

Originally Posted by Choson

* I'm going through this hell when all my friends (or ex-friends) are happy and living life as they ought to be

You dont know that. They may be secretly unhappy. People often present facades to others.

Originally Posted by Choson

* I had a father who never gave me the things I needed as a beloved son

There are unfortunately people in this world who do not do the right things. I'm sorry.

Originally Posted by Choson

* I have to drink myself to sleep every night

You dont have to, you choose to. It's self medication and should be a warning flag to you that something is amiss in your life.

Originally Posted by Choson

* I see random people on the streets who are with a significant other

Just because they are with a significatn other doesnt mean their life is better than yours, there are plenty of people in horrible marriages/relationships. You have no idea what their lives are like.

Originally Posted by Choson

* My ex-girlfriend betrayed my trust, my heart and it still lingers...

Time heals broken hearts, I know it may seem impossible now but you will feel better with time.

Originally Posted by Choson

* God remains to be silent and non-responsive

God responds. He is there, perhaps it is you that isnt listening.

Originally Posted by Choson

* I've become totally helpless and incompetent

Depression often makes one feel this.

Originally Posted by Choson

* I've lost a lot of my friends

Another symptom of depression.

Originally Posted by Choson

* I feel alone .... so very alone and no one understands me

You're right, no one does because they are not you, but we can try our best to empathize with you.

Hello, Choson.

http://www.commonsensepsychology.com/forgiveness.php
http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/37768

Be well.

[Choson]

Thanks for the replies.
Just to clarify. I know that I am depressed.
I've already been through this before and have been diagnosed with Major Depression.
This is my second bout with it and has lasted the past a year and a half.
I'm just getting to the point of total disconnect and feels as if this will be my struggle for life. Just want to have hope and look forward to life.
I know that until I fix this, I will never be able to live a happy life.
And if you can't live a happy life, well what's the point?

[Rohag]

Choson! I regret you are depressed, but I am glad to meet you again here.

My observation is that things like happiness, love, and forgiveness happen when one is doing something else. If you chase them, they tend to flee; be still, and they may alight on your shoulders.

Forgiveness is a process. It is a conscious decision to let go of the residuals left by offensive behavior. Forgiveness does not condone the offense nor require reconciliation. Any attempt to reconcile must consider whether it is safe to even try. I like to think that forgiving myself is a reconciliation.

Ultimately, forgiveness is for you. There will be times of doubt that you are capable of forgiving. Like life, there will be vicissitudes. Forgiveness is controversial. Even so, it has helped me get rid of a lot of anger, resentment and bitterness.

Good luck.

[MoonTurtle]

Originally Posted by Choson

Thanks for the replies.
Just to clarify. I know that I am depressed.
I've already been through this before and have been diagnosed with Major Depression.
This is my second bout with it and has lasted the past a year and a half.
I'm just getting to the point of total disconnect and feels as if this will be my struggle for life. Just want to have hope and look forward to life.
I know that until I fix this, I will never be able to live a happy life.
And if you can't live a happy life, well what's the point?

I too have been struggling with depressive symptoms for many years, and sometimes feel like it's pointless to go on because I'll be fighting it forever and will never truly be happy. A lot of days, I feel really crappy. But, I do eventually have a couple good days in a row, and I come out of the fog long enough to think, "okay, I'm feeling a little better, maybe there is hope after all" and I'm more willing to get help for myself (therapy, meds, whatever). On my worst days, I can't imagine ever feeling hopeful or happy again, but I know that is a symptom of the illness as well.

I know it is bad now, but hang in there!