[feary]

I feel so much guilt because I am just a shadow of what I used to be especially with my kids

I feel like I have become so selfish trying to find a cure for my suffering that I am neglecting them

This fear of death and impending doom is too overwhelming

I do focus on them so much and do as much as I can but I always feel I could have been doing way more

I don't know how to handle this

You mention that you are merely a shadow of what you used to be. I know it's tough, but you have to stop ruminating about the past and focus on the present. The person that you are NOW. And then focus on how you can get better. Is it therapy, medication, exercise, healthy eating...a combo of all these?

Also, please don't feel guilty for focusing on yourself and your recovery. This should be #1 on your list. And as you feel better, the more time you will be able to give to your kids.

As for your fear of death...well, death is going to happen. So why should we spend our life fearing it? Why not spend our days living and enjoying what we can? Death can take us at the end, but it shouldn't take over our lives. I do understand how crippling a fear can be though. All phobias can be very tough to get over.

I'm sorry you are struggling. I hope you are feeling better soon.

[feary]

but there is no way to get over a fear of dying exactly because it is going to happen and there is nothing I can do.

It could happen at any second so every second I am bracing for it and terrified

It is impossible to live knowing because it does not let you plan anything because you think you might die before you get to do it

It does not let you do anything you want because you fear that everything you do will cause your death

[MiddleAgedMan]

It must be really difficult to live with the fear as you describe it – you must be fantasically brave just to be able to function.

I think what Melissa might have been saying (if she doesn’t mind me speaking for her) is that because we know it’s going to happen at some point and it’s out of our control, then death just becomes a fact of life. You clearly love life otherwise why fear death? It seems a pity for you that the thing you fear prevents you from enjoying the thing you love.

I guess that maybe it all comes down to how you view death and what comes after: do you have any beliefs about that?

Originally Posted by feary

but there is no way to get over a fear of dying exactly because it is going to happen and there is nothing I can do.

It could happen at any second so every second I am bracing for it and terrified

It is impossible to live knowing because it does not let you plan anything because you think you might die before you get to do it

It does not let you do anything you want because you fear that everything you do will cause your death

Well, this is definitely something you need to work on, because clearly your thinking is distorted. (As is the thinking of everyone with phobias).

I hope you have a therapist, and you are concentrating on this fear. It seems to be the big thing that's holding you back.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Originally Posted by feary

but there is no way to get over a fear of dying exactly because it is going to happen and there is nothing I can do

((((feary))))

There IS a way to get over it! I got over it thousands of others have gotten over it because we had kids and we had to for their sake as well as for our own knowing that if we give our power to these thoughts then they have won and we have lost.

It's time for you to get into therapy and get medication, no more ifs, buts or maybes; either you want to be like this or you want out and you want to feel better

[HistoryChef]

Originally Posted by feary

I feel so much guilt because I am just a shadow of what I used to be especially with my kids

I feel like I have become so selfish trying to find a cure for my suffering that I am neglecting them

This fear of death and impending doom is too overwhelming

I do focus on them so much and do as much as I can but I always feel I could have been doing way more

I don't know how to handle this

You should perhaps keep posting, look to get out of your own space by trying to possibly help others? Try sharing with others? You may have had experiences you could share with me that might help me. Please try?

[feary]

of course it has been two years of trying several medications which all have failed

and tons of therapy in which I have made no progress

I am crying so much uncontrollably because I just dropped my kids off to my ex and I hate how I am around them because of this ocd, depression, terror, anxiety, ptsd and whatever else

it makes me so sad that I have become so distant from them

I will never recover from this

[Ygrec23]

Dear fiery,

Oh yes you CAN get over this. It's been done, many times. Keep talking to people on the depression forum. They know. They've been there. And they have come back from the edge of the abyss. I know it looks impossible from where you stand today. I do know. I have been there myself. But you can come back, both for yourself and for your children. You can adjust your mind with the help of a T and meds, to the point where you won't think about death all the time and you will enjoy life, your life and your children's lives.

Regarding your preoccupation with death and your thinking that it might happen at any moment. A thousand years of statistics, stretching all the way back to the middle ages, shows that the probability of someone like you dying, at your age, is very, very low. Your mind is hurt and it twists things out of proportion, thinking you may die when science says that's not true. The chances of your dying now are very, very low. And that's not just my opinion. Ask any of your doctors. They will agree with me. The average woman in the United States lives into her eighties. And chances are that you are either average or ABOVE average.

Think about your poor children. What could they do if you destroyed yourself? They would miss you so terribly all their lives. Don't do that to them. Be as good a mother as you can, but don't rip yourself away from them. And, most certainly, DO NOT HURT THEM EITHER. They deserve a chance to grow up and be happy. And they'll do that if you stay here with them.

I wish there was more that I could say. I wish there was more I could show you. But please understand, your mind is playing tricks on you and you have to work with your T to have your mind stop that nonsense.

I wish you and your children all my fondest regards. Take care.

[feary]

it is not natural to live this way

i feel like everything i know about life is false meaningless

i have no purpose no life

my whole identity is false and destroyed

i dont know anything anymore

i cant be around my kids anymore because i dont trust what i am doing and am too scared to raise them and take care of them

I forget how to live

This fear has made me so lazy

I don't feel connected to anyone

I can't wake up all alone in this silence with nothing to do and the problem is I don't want to do anything because knowing about aging and dying

It all seems useless

I have nothing to offer my kids or anyone

I can't envision a safe future so how can I give them anything

This all seems pointless

I don't live normally or automatic, I have to think about every single thing I am doing, everything every second is thought out, like ok, I am getting out of bed, I am brushing my teeth, I am getting a drink

My mind is so oversensitive and aware of everything

no one understands that I just cannot live anymore

everything is destroyed

my world is shattered

I have no life and I cannot rebuild it because of these fears and depression

it is impossible