[PlanningtoLive]

Hi everyone - thought I'd update all of you on my life thus far.

Have taken approx. 5 tests, all but one scored a 100%, the other was a 98.5. Put in 54 hours last week, haven't done that in 6 months or so. I feel like a hamster on a wheel - I just keep moving and going nowhere.

Every day I fight with the urge not to see the next day - it is a very hard, draining battle. My son calls me constantly because of what he tolerates at home, my husband calls me to make sure that I am "behaving"......[loosing my choke collar].

Work is hectic, and exhausting for someone who was in the hospital only 7 weeks ago. I have to go to the hospital tomorrow for those tests.......actually today, only at 1pm. Then I have to find time to talk to my surgeon about the results. Wed. is T day.

We have been sending emails back and forth. I sent him one that thanked him for communicating with me, but that I was fine and not to worry............he actually believed me and wanted to know what had changed with me. I told him that I was being sarcastic when I wrote that esp since everyone wants to see me that way, so I obliged. Then I sent him a copy of my poem in CC, and he realized that hey, Mary Alice is NOT okay after all.

We talked on the phone briefly and I am supposed to call him on the way to my appt. I have so much anger in me at so many people, mostly him though. I am taking his replies to me as being sent by "Dr. -------" instead of the person that used to show such concern and sensitivity to my moods, the person that used to know before I had worked it out in my own mind, what was going on.

Then of course, there's the husband who constantly drains me emotionally and physically. If it weren't for my son, I wouldn't go home at all. And I will be home till Thurs. morning, but I know my time will be spent being a referee between them and listening to my husband's whining.

The only thing going well is work, and to be honest, it only matters to me how I score on the tests. I like the work - I know what I am doing, but I don't care.

I realized that until I can find a reason to keep existing - nothing really will matter. I'm playing the efficient me and it is draining because I can't be myself and express my moods.

Inside of me is simply darkness - no light, no hope, no caring. Simply the knowledge that I must perform, I must do my job, I must pay the bills. But there is no "me" in here. That scares me when I think about it. I wonder where I've gone and if I'll ever come back. Then I think, "who cares anyway?" Life goes on..............

I can feel the top of the bottle boiling because everything has been stuffed inside with no way for anything to escape. At some point in time, it will explode........like it did on the 11th.

I'm tired of playing the game - I want the hand over with.

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks for being honest with us. I wish that things were easier for you, but I don't know how to do anything about it. Please try to remember all of us here and that we care about you. You are our friend.

I don't know what else to say, but there are going to be ups and downs. It sounds like the feeling you is back right now, and I wish you felt better but I'm glad that you are letting the feelings come out.

If you think of anything I can do please tell me.
Wendy

<font color=purple>"The real problem of mental life is not why some people become insane, but rather why most avoid insanity." -Erich Fromm</font color=purple>

[Peanut61]

For our ((((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))...

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[heidu]

Hugs Mary Alice.
I wish there was some great wisdom I could give you. I can tell you I care.
You seem to have a pretty good grasp on what you are feeling and why.
Keep searching for that reason to make it to the next day. I believe you will find it.

Deal with those things in life that you KNOW are bringing you down. It will make your fight and your life so much easier. Life is hard enough without having to put up with unnecessary [censored]. Get rid of those things. You deserve so much better.

I am glad you are doing well at work. It does give you some sort of feeling of accomplishment. I do understand about going thru the motions though and not really caring.

Lots of hugs.
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[Fuzzybear]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[ltlredvett]

MAry Alice, I am so sorry that you are suffering so much. If only you had a partner that could really stand by your side and help you get through this terrible time in yourlife. You have to keep thinking that this is only temporary and that you will rebound, it is your only hope.

[nowheretorun]

((((((( Mary Alice)))))) That's such a pretty name

Everyone here has such great ideas and support... I esp liked Wendys'. I can see how you've felt like "efficient me", but you have to admit, there's a lot of feeling in your post.

It must be hard bening away from your son.... there's someone who sees you as more than a unit. It sounds like you're really feeling an absence of someone who just cares about you, wants to hear about you, wants to give you encouragement, make you smile. I know it's not as good as the real thing, but, here's a for you.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

[PlanningtoLive]

********Wendy*********** hugs

The feeling me is usually here - esp since I have nothing to fear from anyone here about being myself. You are a terrific friend to me, and I don't forget that. Everyone here makes it easier by just listening to me whine and giving their input.

Thanks.

[PlanningtoLive]

As always, Jill, you are so sweet to me..........ty, my friend.

[kvinneakt]

It really sucks the things we must do to pay the bills. When I was a kid there were these predictions that the world of the future (today) would be run by robots and people would have nothing but leisure and luxury. HA! They lied! Bastards!

Having to supress your "me" in order to cope with work seems pretty typical. There are not very many jobs where people don't sacrifice a big chunk of who they are just to get by day to day. My 20 year old son refuses to work for the Man and supports himself playing music on the street. He wants to do that because music is who he IS. He gets by and you think he should be happy with that. No. He is pissed because he has to play many hours every day no matter the weather, has no security, is totally dependant on other's generosity and the work is ruining the joy of playing.

The way you might be free to be true to yourself could be winning the lottery. That's no guarantee either.

Wherever you go, there you are

[PlanningtoLive]

((((((((((Heidu))))))))))))))))) ty.

I think I've been talking to my T way too much - lol - I'm getting good at analyzing myself and knowing what is going on.

Except for cramming the knowledge into my head in the space of a few hours and then taking the test, work is not difficult for me to do. Without the restaurant background it would be extremely hard to do. It is amazing how much I have missed it, I feel like I just got back up on my bicycle.

Unfortunately that sense of accomplishment is a vital part of me - I HAVE to do well, regardless.

Take care of yourself as well.

xooxo

[PlanningtoLive]

((((((((Fuzzy))))))))))))))

Glad to see you around, and thanks for the hugs. At least when I get home, I know I will have lots of those from my son and all of his "animals". I was told that they are going to slobber all over me......lol. I can't wait!

[PlanningtoLive]

Ty Vett.........you and I both are going thru some awful garbage. Unfortunately I have never had a partner that was there for me and supported me - it has always been just me. I wouldn't know what to do if I could just fall apart and have someone help put the pieces back together.

It's not temporary......until I care enough to want to live. I haven't yet though.

I hope you are hanging in there......I appreciate you taking the time to help me.

[PlanningtoLive]

((((((Nowhere)))))))))))) ty.

It is hard being away from Alex, but it is worse knowing what he is putting up with at home and then calling me crying about it. It hurts. He's been counting the days till I come home.

All smiles, and hugs are greatly appreciated. All my husband is looking forward to is me being home to cook his meals.....[sigh].

Take care - and thanks for caring.

[ltlredvett]

Mary Alice, it is my pleasure to take the time to lend you any help or support that I can. I know what it is like to be abondoned by those around you. Granted, in my case I was abondoned because of my actions, but abandoned nonetheless. While it is possible to overcome these feelings and this mindset alone it would be so much easier with a friend, a partner by your side... someone that cares. At least your son cares about you. I know my kids care about me. They are the only ones.

[PlanningtoLive]

Had the procedure done today at the hospital. I got to watch. They inserted a huge needle into my spine after numbing the area. They kept watching the xrays so they could get it in right - pulled it out and re-did it.....it was horrible. I guess they had to get it into the "sacs" of the spinal column and then they inserted the dye. Then I got wheeled into the CT scan and had more pictures taken.

They rolled me into recovery since I had driven myself and gave me juice and a sandwich. Supposed to be laying flat all night since I can have a fluid leakage and extreme migraines.......have I had any help tonight? Heck no..........[sigh]

I was hoping for a response about the tests, but nothing yet. When I know, I'll tell all of you.

[SeptemberMorn]

<center>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</center>

There's nothing I can say that others haven't said already. Who knows how many times I've said "Been there, done that, know exactly how you feel." I've even said "I'm here to tell about it." I know nothing helps... except maybe the love of someone near you.

For what it's worth, I'm rooting for you! I know you'll make it!

<font color=blue>This above all: To thine own self be true. --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[Peanut61]

I'm glad that the procedure is over, ((((((Mary Alice)))))) = I'm so very much praying that you won't have to have another surgery... With much affection, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{{{{Sept}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} just knowing you are there and care is enough..........thank you very much. I'm trying.

[PlanningtoLive]

So am I, Peanut. That is the thing on my mind now - the results. I can't believe I let them put that long needle into my spine [shiver].

Lots of hugs,

Mary Alice

[Rapunzel]

Mary Alice,

How brave you are! I'm sure I could not have let anyone put a needle like that into my spine.

Did you tell the doctor that you would not get any support at home and not be able to lie flat like you were supposed to?
{{{{{hugs}}}}}
Wendy

<font color=purple>"The real problem of mental life is not why some people become insane, but rather why most avoid insanity." -Erich Fromm</font color=purple>

[LadyDragus]

oh my mary alice.
I had no idea things had deprogressed this much (not sure that is a word) I wish I could help more than just saying how much you mean to me on here..

I wish I could give you what you want.
but my innerslef is having a hard time dealing with her own problems.. and I still cant ask for the hlep you offer. I am so sorry for that. I just am not good at that. never have been and I do not think I ever will be.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{[ hug hug hug hug }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
if not enough tel. me and I will give more

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

[ErinBear]

Hi Mary Alice,

Was that a myelogram you had? If so, I had one once....I feel for you. (((((((Mary Alice))))))) I'm sorry things are so hard. I so wish there were something I could do to help make things better. siggggghhhhh.

I am thinking of you though, and sending hugs and good thoughts your way, for whatever that's worth.

Take care,
ErinBear

[PlanningtoLive]

Hi Wendy,

I am amazed that I let them too.......and then I was foolish enough to watch.....lol. Like I said, I have alot more hardware than I thought in my back - esp down by the tailbone. Two that I didn't even know about.

No, I didn't tell the doctor......in fact, they were all saying how I should go home, lie flat, be waited on for the evening, etc. and all I could do was laugh inside because I knew how it would be.

The only concession I made to not standing for long, was to give my husband money to bring home McDonalds.....

********lots of hugs**********************

[PlanningtoLive]

Ty Lady..........I understand how hard it is to even reach out for help. I can only do that with my T, and then I feel like I am strangling the poor man. The offer stands, and always will......in a PM if you like. We have alot of similiar things between us and I think I understand alot more than you may realize.

As for the hugs, I appreciate them immensely. After tonight I go back to my hotel and my solitude.

xoxooxox