[o.kay]

I have no intention of killing myself. But I frequently wish i was not here. If I could just erase myself I would in a minute. I don't want to hurt anyone. I have a beautiful family. I am highly successful at my job. I have no financial issues. I just don't want to be anymore. I've been fighting this for years. I've tried all types of meds. I've tried counseling. But I just wish could just erase myself. When I even hint at this to people all I hear is how wonderful my life is. I embarassed to talk about it because so many people are struggling with severe problems. My life is good -- I just don't want to be anymore. Does anyone else feel this way? I don't know how to help myself. Does anyone have any ideas

[WikidPissah]

yea...others feel this way...including me. If I could disappear without hurting my family I definitely would. I just said on another post that there is hope...counseling and medication can help. This depression thing isn't always about situations. It's a real, physical, medical thing.

[Rohag]

Hi, o.kay!

Originally Posted by o.kay

When I even hint at this to people all I hear is how wonderful my life is.

They don't understand. Sure, depression can be a reaction to situations or events, but depression has a life of its own no matter what its causes.

Originally Posted by o.kay

I embarassed to talk about it because so many people are struggling with severe problems.

Whether you carry a miniature teacup or a giant mug, when it overflows, it makes a mess.

Here are a few "official ideas" from the Mayo Clinic regarding treatment-resistant depression. If you can, try to find a new set of eyes to look at your whole history, someone who'll be sensitive to everything that hasn't worked for you.

[dj586858]

As far as I know everybody gets depressed sometimes but I think that is mostly situational, which is not to say that it can't be brutal. I am not trying to sound like this is a secret club or anything but those who suffer with a mental disorder (mine is bipolar II) that causes depression can be "in the darkness" at any time or mostly all the time. Still, those without a disorder can only respond with what they know. I recently was contacted by an old high school friend & in catching each other up on our lives, I was honest & told her about my daily fight with my disorder which mostly causes deep, dark depression. Her response was "I understand what you are going through. I almost killed myself once." Then she mentioned that at the time her marriage was rocky, she was having a lot of migraines & her daughter was a teenager. Like I said - situational. Not that it was somehow trivial or wasn't a horrible time for her. It just didn't continue to be something that she had to deal with for the rest of her life. But that is all she could connect it to. It didn't upset me. It just reminds me how important this type of forum & support groups are.

As far as your feelings go, O.Kay, the "I don't want to be here" thing goes through my mind all the time, not just during a bad episode. Like you, I don't want to hurt anybody & my faith also keeps me here. Sometimes that makes me angry. Just remember that even when people think they get it but really don't, they are doing the best they can to understand & ultimately want what is best for us. Then come on here & tell us exactly how it makes you feel. We get it.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Originally Posted by dj586858

I think that is mostly situational

Sorry I disagree with this. Depression is mostly a literal physical disease caused by an imbalance of chemistry in the brain function that can be eased by medication and discussed with therapists, which can bring an understanding of the disease and therefor assist in its treatmtent.

There is no cure for depression and though most people will experience it at some stage of their life, those who are permanently afflicted with it will never be fully free of its influences and consequences.

There are people who are treatment resistant and will spend their life in misery a large part of the time, trying to struggle through and find some balance in their life.

Situational depression can and is eased and treated by removing oneself from the situation which has caused the depression, but this is by no means the main cause of depression.