Worried I have 'issues' after breakup

Firstly, 'Hi' this is my 1st post here, not sure what i want for this, but I thought i'd put my story out there and see what happens - so go easy on me and excuse the ramble!

The Background:

Back in March or April this year (don't know why I can't remember the date), my girlfriend broke up with me. We'd being going out for 8 years, and lived together for 3 - she meant the absolute world to be - beautiful, funny, smart and totally on my wavelength. I could tell what she was feeling by just being in the same room as her. For the last 12 months or so i'd been working out how to propose to her, and planned to do it this summer.

About a week or so before we broke up, she started getting very fed up with me quite quickly - a very short fuse, but i put this down to final year coursework, and offered to help where ever possible. She'd also been spending more and more time with her friends from uni rather than me, which was starting to bother me - not that she wanted to see her friends, but because i was never invited!

Then one day, she turned around to me and said that she didn't love me anymore. She didn't want to 'work at it', go a away for a few days for some quality time or have a reason for why she didn't feel the same way. And that was that - all over.

We'd just moved into a 2 bed flat, so I set my self up in the 2nd bedroom and she said she still wanted to be friends as we've known each other for about 15 years all in all. Neither of us could afford to move out, so we agreed to try and live together as friends for a few months until we could sort something out.

10 days later, she started dating a friend from uni, and my world literally ended.

The problem?

In the space of 10 days my world went from "I'm going to propose to the girl of my dreams" to "i'm living with my ex, she's dating another guy and my entire idea of where my life was going has been torn up into shreds"

I was an emotional train wreck for weeks after - uncontrollable sobbing, anger and her for giving up on 8 years of our lives without any apparent sorrow, anger at the new boyfriend for pulling her away from me - I've known him for about a year, and he is always flirting, always coming up with innuendos, taking her out for drinks, and even composing music for her - but i always figured that we were safe enough that she'd see it as harmless flirting and just be friends and... well, guess i was wrong. Maybe he wasn't the whole reason she left me, but was certainly the straw the broke the camels back, and he knew exactly what he was doing. Then i'd feel sorry for my self in a sort of wilderness, and finally optimism about a fresh start, before cycling back around to balling my eyes out.

Finally, I came to the conclusion that there was nothing to be gained by moping around the flat and feeling sorry for my self, so i joined the gym - and this made a massive difference. The days i went, I was much happier than when i didn't.

I also made a point of getting out and exploring more on my own and being more independent.

I also signed up to a dating site to see who else was out there! Went on a couple of dates, but realised there was no way I was ready to start seeing other people, and if I did it was only because she was seeing someone else too - which isn't fair on the other person.

About a month ago, i moved out to a town about 40 miles away. I wanted to totally fresh start, so moved into a shared house with 3 random people. I also went out on a few more dates, and started enjoying my self again.

For a while i thought i'd cracked it, and was 'over' the whole experience, but... it still haunts me. I think that's the best way to describe it.

I have to keep busy, because if i don't, my mind wonders back to the day I broke up with my ex, and the feelings all come back. I get angry with the new boyfriend and imagine the arguments i'd have, and I feel frustrated with my ex and imagine conversations i'd have with her about it all.

I recently stared dating someone else, but that seems to have fizzled out, and i'm thinking that i'd just been using the whole dating thing as another layer of activity to plaster over this big dark void in the back of my head.

Right now, i've had a pretty hard week, and i can feel my self slipping back into being angry and sad. I hurt my neck at the gym, so can't go there to distract my self and i feel like that layer of plaster is getting wafer thin!

With hind sight, I think that this whole experience has really effected me psychologically. I'm a very laid back person with a forgive and forget outlook on life, but i just can't let this go.

I don't Love my ex any more, and i don't want to be back in a relationship with her. But the anger and frustration and sadness just won't go. I re-live the break-up when i day dream, and when i hear certain music, and sometimes it's all i dream about.

I wonder if there's a time table for this sort of thing. Is it fair to date someone else with this black void stuffed into the corner of my mind? How can i let it out and get rid of it? I think untill I do, i'll always feel that i'm running away from it all or hiding out here.

In terms of my life at the moment, I feel as though i've jumped off a ship and am just treading water with nothing on the horizon in any direction!

...

Well thanks for reading - would be interested to read any comments and suggestions tough love or sympathy!

Cheers!

Welcome Lofty; I think it's natural to still have hurt feelings, anger etc. after a breakup of a relationship. Especially one that is a long term like yours was.

As far as a time frame of what is a healthy amount of grieving, in my opinion no one can give you that. You may want to speak to a mental health professional, so you can work through the feelings in a healthy way and perhaps gain better coping skills. I lived my teens and 20's stuffing my feelings down through work, the gym, etc. etc. eventually those feelings need to be dealt with and it's better to deal with them now then carry that anger, hurt etc. into your next relationship. I hope you find this site supportive.

Honestly, I think you've dealt with it well. Allow yourself to grieve, it's natural.

I know you loved her and with time you'll find another.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I find that it's best to think of that part of our path through life as being a learning experience & even though we thought we felt the love emotions when the other person didn't end up feeling that way, it's good proof that you are capable of feeling that way with the right person.

The right person will come along when the time is right.....but until then, just enjoy your life as being independent & use this time to learn more about yourself & your feelings & what you expect out of a real lasting relationship. Sometimes we go through these beginning relationships even if they are long term at the time in order to be able to sort better through our feelings. I believe that marriage is a lasting relationship & that when you commit to the marriage, then you have to work it through until there is no more options (which I came to after 33 years of marriage).

For me, living alone would have been the better thing, but there was a reason for my marriage at the time also.....now there is a reason for my not having any relationship with anyone as it's time to put into who I am & what I believe rather than living my life for someone else.

I know the best mind set I would come up with when experiencing a break-up was that I went through the relationship in order to learn something about myself & in order for my growth as a person....& I thank the relationship, learn as much as I possibly could from it & then go on with my life & put my energy into finding my new path & direction. Sometimes after a relationship, we are better distincing ourselves until we feel comfortable & happy with where we are & who we are....only then can you truly open yourself up to another person & allow them into your life & mind to get to know them.

Only when we truly know ourselves & our own values are we able to connect with someone else who truly fits with our life.

Best wishes on getting through this. Remember that every loss in life does cause a grief of sorts as we need to sort through what we lost & where we are going alone.

wishing you much peace & happiness in your future

Hi Guys,

Thank you for your genuine comments, found it very hard to read to the bottom!

Not sure why this week has been so much harder than any other in recent weeks / months, and i honestly don't know why I'm upset, or what's troubling me. I think despite living with a house full of people i get on really well with, I feel incredibly lonely on some level.

I also feel like i'm storing and sitting on this emotional time bomb which must be handled with care, and occasionally something slips and a bit of it reaches the surface, and i become upset and incredibly depressed and miserable. I guess i'm containing it rather than dealing with it, but just don't get what i can do to let it all go. Do you think a mental health professional is really the answer? Despite all this I feel like i should be able to deal with a break up without running for serious help...

Thank you all for your messages - honestly appreciated.

hi lofty, and welcome to pc. sounds like you're doing a lot of positive things to get on with your life. rather than trying to find a girl to fill the void, i'd try to create a bunch of friends to just hang out with. you've been out of the formal dating scene for a while, so just get comfy with being footloose and fancy free. if you meet someone you enjoy being with go out but keep it light...that way you are giving yourself time to adjust to single life and you won't misrepresent yourself to the girl. working out is great for getting out the kinks in your mind. another good thing you are doing. since you can't work out right now...how bout taking some good brisks walks. you might even meet someone new that way while you feel better in your neck.
if you find yourself getting bogged down with sad thoughts, start singing or do something physical. the mind can't be ruminating if you distract it with something else.(that's why i mentioned singing ).
who knows maybe this time next year you will have lots of new memories to think about!!! bet you that you will. good luck and enjoy your newly found freedom.