[endlessCry]

Hi everyone, i am new to this forum and will try to talk what's up with me. I know it's gonna be a long story, but i just need some help, support, advice from someone... i don't know what else to do, but to just write it down.
Everything started going downhill when my childhood was stopped abruptly because of moving. We are a big family and i am a middle child from 5 children. So our childhood house was becoming to be too small for all of us, so mom and dad decided we had to move. And from that moment we moved, then i realized my childhood had ended. i was 16. I lost all my friends, i had to go to new school, new surrounding. and well i wasn't coping well. i was teased a lot and i even had a fight with a girl. since then everything has gone downhill. my sweet childhood time was over and hard cold reality hit me on the head. since we moved i felt i was doing everything wrong. i never got enough praise from my parents for doing work around the house and garden, even when i got good grades, they were used to it, so i didn't get praised for doing good. so no matter how hard i tried, nothing was good enough to get some praise. on rare occasions i got a thank you.... i felt like a black sheep in our family. so i started smoking. and had some relationships, but nothing good. i always seem to find the worst men. and after finishing school, even jobs seemed bad. i still haven't been to any job more than 9 months. and i am 25now. i feel like i am cursed, because everything in my life seems to go downhill. and all since i was 16. money has also been an issue for me always. even as a little girl i always knew i could never get what i want. i got older kids toys and clothes. or stuff from second hand shops or donations... i felt i was never good enough to get something better. and that's how i feel even now... i can't afford anything that i feel i deserve.
coming to my current situation. i left my country and live in UK now with my partner (been together for 2 years). We came here to find better jobs and a new beginning. but nothing goes as i would like to. I am feeling suicidal and i almost would've done it yesterday, but i didn't. my partner talked me out of it and promised that things will change. i have been to several doctors, taken antidepressants, been to some therapy, but no-one has made me feel normal. month or two ago we decided to start to try for a baby, so i quit my antidepressants, without telling my doctor. cold turkey. and obviously i am not managing well... i cried last night for hours, i yelled at my partner... i just can't deal with myself anymore. i am not able to handle the situation and that scares me. Since we recently moved i had to change my GP and well the new GP is totally useless. I went to see him and told him i quit the pill because i want to have a baby and asked what medicine could i take if trying for a baby. and i also mentioned that these pills i used to take, didn't make me better. but he just totally ignored me and just prescribed me the same pills. i ignored him and i am not taking those pills. I don't want to be addicted anymore. i have done it already.
anyway i bought st johns wort today and hope that it will help. i don't know what else to do anymore, how to cope with anger, suicide thoughts, crying, depression.... i need help but no-one who i have talked (my family and a friend), they haven't done anything to help. they just listened and that's it, they forgot about it.... can anyone help me?

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, EndlessCry! I'm glad your partner was there for you. A real-world, flesh-and-blood support group could prove valuable for you and your safety. Here are a few resources that might point you in the right directions:

• Samaritans UK -- 24-hour support lines
• Depression Alliance UK
• Netdoctor UK National Support Groups

Safety first!

[endlessCry]

i have tried writing to samaritans, no help from them. from what i read it seemed like every time i had different person writing back to me who didn't bother to read previous letter So disappointed in that.
but will look in to the other resources. thank you ...

[SophiaG]

This is for you:

We all care about you here glad you found us.

[pegasus]

Welcome endlessCry,

I'm sorry you have been having such a rough time.

Is there another Doctor in the surgery that you can see? It doesn't sound like the Doctor you saw was really listening to you though there are medications you can take while you are trying to get pregnant. I think your mental health is more of an important issue at this time. If there is not another Doctor in the practice then seriously think of changing your GP's surgery.

You could try getting in contact with your local MIND http://www.mind.org.uk/ there should be one near you. They can give you more information and options local to you. They usually have a drop-in centre or you can ring them.

Best wishes.

[endlessCry]

hy everyone. it's been long time since i wrote here. but i thought i'd keep you guys updated. i haven't seen any other doctor. and i will not even go there. i decided i don't want to use any antidepressants anymore. why should i start taking things again which i can get addicted. So only thing i am taking is St. Johns wort. and i think it is helping. i am not happy, but i am better. i don't cry that much anymore. And i have thought about things more. and i guess i will just think myself better. And i also do some exercises. Like every night writing down positive things that happened on that day. Just so i could see something positive does happen And that has helped me a lot. I didn't notice it previously, but now i see better.
Now i have another issue which i have to deal with. I can manage my suicidal thoughts and depression somehow, but my partner broke down. He is crying, all negative and depressed and occasionally thinks that everyone would be better without him.... how to handle that, when i am already struggling with myself? :S This is the hardest time for me now. I want to be there for him, but at the same time i could need some help, positive motivation and support. but he is a wreck right now... and i am giving all my energy to him to get him through somehow and tell him that he will be better etc... but there isn't much energy left for myself...i am feeling stronger, but i am SO afraid to fall back again... i try to keep it all in, but i am not sure how long can i handle that.
also there is no-one to talk to. if my partner is depressed, crying, tired, negative, then i don't want to go and tell him more negative things. and my mother... when i talk to her, she just thinks she knows better what would help me and that's annoying. she can't even listen to me properly, like really listen. just tells me what to do all the time. so when i speak to her, i pretend i am all nice and dandy, just so she wouldn't piss me off with her telling me what to do. and i don't have any friends to turn to. anyway just letting you know how i am doing... and maybe someone can give some advice how to handle myself and my partner at the same time.

[endlessCry]

anyone? now i am in a situation where my life ending thoughts have come back. we don't have money to eat. well we would have, if we wouldn't pay the bills... and we don't know how to manage... and everything makes me cry... and i feel so cold sometimes. even small things like brushing my hair, seems to hurt me so much that i start to cry.... i don't know how to handle all this. how to keep myself sane and my partner with me and how to manage home and finance and everything else... i just can't do it anymore. i feel like wrunged out :S empty, tired, crying ....

[lotusflames]

EC

i think you need to see your dr and so does your partner.

it's not uncommon for people in your situation to feel as you do. Does either of you work?

You dont have any family around you to help out and that can't be easy. we're here if you want to talk

[Lilleth]

I dont know if this will help but if you go to the Citizen advice centre or even contact them via e.mail. And explain your financial situation they may be able to give you advice and also if your partner is unable to work as a British citizen he may be able to get to get unemployment benefit or income support if he is unable to work due to him being depressed. I also take St Jon wort. I was prescribed it by the Homeopathic Hospital and my dr gives it to me on Prescription. Its helps with my depression well I feel less down but its still overwelms me sometimes.

[endlessCry]

i just got home. before that i packed few things and i was ready to leave evrything behind. i sat in a park in pouring rain and i actually didn't care anymore about anything or anyone for that matter..... and i gave my partner last chance to come and talk to me to convince me to come back home. i am so tired of listening all of his promises. so tired of crying that i am willing to go on the streets and not look back. so tired and feelingless. i have lost all my feelings. i felt nothing when i left. only sadness for myself. but i thought i have to start thinking about me. not about everyone else around me. 'cause who else will think about me if i don't. so i thought about myself and left behind the things that hurt me for 2 years. my partner and everything with him. but i was able to give him a chance to talk to me. and not that he was able to convinse me to come back, but i just went back and said that you have time to prove to me that your words mean something. until tonight. that's what i said.
i don't know if it is actually me that wants to go to the streets or if it is depression. but i just don't know how to live anymore. everything is too much to me.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( endlessCry )))))))))))))

[Lilleth]

I am sorry I dont mean to sound harsh but its seems to me that both you and your partner are not coping at all. I seriously think youse two need to evaluate your situation between yourselves. Perhaps he is trying to tell you that he cant cope either but don't know how to come straight out and say it. It couldn't have been easy to up and leave and come here in the hopes of a better life and it sounds like neither of you are coping. What I can say and again I do not mean to cause you any more upset but if you are not already pregnant please think seriously whether its a good idea to try for a child as things are so stressful between you too already. If your situation is so dire financially and emotionally do you really want to bring a baby into it which would put even more strain on you emotionally and financially.

[endlessCry]

not pregnant. and not trying. since we are not even touching one another. so for me to get pregnant, we have to get closer again. so not trying at the moment....

[Lilleth]

Hope you two can work it out can't give you any advice on how to as only you two can do that. Try and help yourself first then maybe you will be able to help him,