[Overcastbutclearing]

Depression has fully sunk in.
Trying to behave myself and pretend that life is nothing but joy.
But, if I could sleep forever that would be the best thing.
I know I am fluctuating back and forth the past few weeks.
I wish I could tell you all is well.
I am so mad at myself for upsetting my T. I am so stupid.
I just couldn't believe she called me on something and because she knows me so well it freaked me out and I went off.

And, as if I didn't already hate myself...well, now the one person who knows me so well and cares so much I tried pushing away!

So, I had a decent day today because I spent it with some friends and was able to take my mind off everything. But then I come home and it all just sinks down inside of me again.

So, I am just a disaster in motion waiting to hit full tilt!



Oh, and I wanted to mention that my issues with christianity and me being a lesbian are in full force. And, with the crazy weather that is destroying whole towns and killing so many people makes me believe that the world is coming to an end and it is somehow because of the fact that I am not obeying God's word and He is mad at me too and is letting me know that being ill is all because of my own selfishness and I am not dealing well with this at all.

So, to make my life even more upsetting and complicating I feel like even if I could get better God is going to destroy me anyway.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((((sj)))))))))))))))))

Thinking of you,
bsb

[complic8d]

((((((sj)))))) If it helps at all, I know how you are feeling. I have spent my summer in and out of hospitals. I too feel the guilt and shame of being ill, and feel like it must be my fault for being a bad person. I feel like God must hate me, but, you know what, I don't believe that He could hate you or anyone else, so maybe that means that He doesn't hate any of us. You are a good person and I wish you all the luck in the world in getting through this. Also, I think our T's understand that we do test them from time to time, it's part of working through things. I apologize a lot to mine and she always understands. Hang in there. HUGS!

[Lexicon78]

Please hold on. Yes religion mixed with sexual preferences is trying, but hang in there. I'm bisexual and know the problems with Christianity since I've tried the whole Christianity thing. It didn't work for me.

just hang in there. I'm here if ya need me.

1. The God that I believe in, is not punishing you, because you are lesbian. If you listen to Pat Robertson, turn him off.

2. The hurricane is a horrible, horrible disaster. Your sexual orientation has nothing to do with it.

3. We all get depressed over our situations. Try getting out of your head and into your heart more.

4. Have you read any books, concerning sexuality and the church? I think there are some good ones out there. I bet you could find some excellent writings on the internet. Would you try that?

5. Go for a walk or a run...anything that will exhaust you physically. I believe that exercise is a very good medicine for depression. Take a headset and listen to music....really loud.

xoxo Pat

[Fuzzybear]

Fuzzy

[Overcastbutclearing]

Thanks for your replies.
Other then saying that I got nothing new to report.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((((sj)))))))))))))))))

grey slime bear
(hoping it won't be back to black again any time soon ...)

[Overcastbutclearing]

I just want to make everyone smile...
And quietly go away. Off to a place where no one hurts, no one feels lousy. Where sunshine and joy fill the holes that have been penetrating our hearts.
I just want to make everyone believe I am okay...
And quietly go away.
SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

you are loved and you are valued....pat

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((( sj ))))))))))

[jmo531]

Hi Sj,

I am sorry I didnt post sooner. I wanted to address your comment about your sexual preference and how G must feel about you.

My best friend in the world is a gay man. I was there when he came out to friends and his family and it was very, very hard for him. He heard alot of what you have described above.
I sat with him for hours and hours letting him know that G loves us all no matter what. We are all his children. I have probably overstepped myself here with the guidelines but would be able to discuss this further with you via PM or email if you want.

Just remember, G made us who we are and we should never be sorry for that or ashamed. I have some issues in this area as well for slightly different reasons so I know kinda what your talking about.

I am sorry I couldnt be more help.


Thinking of you.

Hugs,

Jen

[wisewoman]

You are beautiful and we are here. I am so glad you have the capacity to love. What a gift.

[(JD)]

(((hugs))) depression does that to us.

[Babieca]

If depression is biting you in the butt you need to stand up so it can't reach you. Of course it means the backs of your knees are at risk but if you walk around it won't be able to get a good grip. On second thought, I think I'm mistaking depression with Jack Russel Terriers.

Depression Spiral:
Every time you tell yourself you are depressed you put yourself in the position of not wanting to be wrong. So you figure out how to become more depressed to show you are really depressed and right in your assumptions. Then when you try to analyze why you feel so bad you decide it is because you are depressed. And you hate to be wrong so you really do become more depressed...
See where this is going?
Break the spiral. Our way of thinking has been sneaking up on us since childhood. It is habit now to see the cruddy side of everything and to personalize all the bad stuff going on around us. When we first started feeling down we looked around and tried to find exterior reasons for feeling the way we did. Sometimes the finding took a bit of a stretch but after a while we got used to attributing the most bizarre things to justify our feelings, " I knew it was going to be cloudy and gloomy today because I didn't turn off my porch light last night!" (Sounds far-fetched but I'll bet anybody who has been dealing with depression longer than two years could come up with something as silly from their own experience!) Nudging a depressed person and telling them to "cheer up" is a good way to get bruised ribs. I'm not telling you to cheer up, you'll have to do that yourself. I'm suggesting that maybe things aren't as horrifying as they all seem; put things in perspective. You got dressed today without wearing your clothes backwards, you didn't sing the Oscar Meyer song over and over on the bus, and you avoided buying an airplane. Sound like a successful day to me.

You found a way to have love in your life. I am happy for you.

Turn off the Fundies and find yourself a fellowship of like-minded souls. Put a rainbow sticker on your car.
And remember this about your Walk when you feel the world is slipping from your grasp: we are to be the Fishers of Men, not the Keepers of the Aquarium. As the Great Prophet Nelson said in Garden Party: You can't please everyone; you've got to please yourself.

Find a balance.



NEVER drink Red Bull and Cafe Americano together. My fingers are hoarse from typing.

[Overcastbutclearing]

Trying to let a little of the sadness lift.
Thanks for all your replies.
I am go back and forth so easily from being at my lowest point to being able to regain some steam to try and journey through the PROCESS.
I hope to get through this really dark spot.

[jmo531]

You will get through it SJ, because your strong and you have the will to do it.

[Overcastbutclearing]

Having a decent day.
Trying to keep busy @ work. Which has been a good day thus far.
I am trying to see how far feeling better takes me.
My fear is that when I drop down deep again it will just really be a huge blow and it will start the whole lousy cycle again. And what is more concerning is that it can come at any time. Anything can set it in motion.
Then I really think I would just disappear without a trace.
I think I am so stupid at times. And I do dumb things. And I upset the wrong people. And I push away those I really need until they really do go away.
And I think I am just really not sure if I can keep going back and forth from down to up and back all around.
Does any of this make sense?
It is like I cannot even truly enjoy feeling better because it will be so short lasting.
ARGGGGG

[lil_rebbitzen]

Hey, sj. *hugs you* what happened with your T?

[Overcastbutclearing]

Thanks Lil rebbitzen!

Well, I tried to keep some things from her and got frustrated when she kept pressing me for answers.
Basically, I wanted to cancel my appt. with her but not let my gf know I canceled it because I wanted to do some things I guess I shouldn't do.
Anyway, it blew up into a big thing for me because it seemed like my T immediately decided I was going to harm myself during that time and she didn't give me the benefit of the doubt. And she didn't just accept my answer of not really wanting to tell her what I was going to do.
So, I got really angry, told her she had balls to just assume I was going to do something I shouldnt.
Made me think that if that is what people are going to think about me when I won't give them answers they want then I might as well go hurt myself since they are expecting it anyway.

See, my plan is to fake it for a bit...get everyone all excited about how "good" I feel. So they can back off.
And I can quietly go AWAY.
But, right now, my T isn't willing to back off. She is pressing me more then ever before. And, although I guess at times I need it...I don't want to disappoint anyone.
I don't know if any of this is making any sense...but you asked....

Fury,I just wanted to tell you that I LOVE that quote you have as your signiture. Really cool. I can totally identify. Did you write that yourself? Jax