another day

Made it another day. I feel so plastic. I can;t tell anyone how I feel! It's so frustrating being a shiny plastic person all the time. I just want to be alone! I just want to be normal. I wish I could be alone & then I could take something to sleep. & just sleep. Be still. I'm sooo stressed! & tired of it! I'm too scared to see a doctor, along with the cost, it's nerve racking to even think. My family cannot find out! I have to be shiny & pink.

Hello, IWANTTOBENORMAL!
The powerful internal demand to always appear "up" or "OK" to your family must be a severe strain. That, the depression and the insomnia are a monster.

At the very least, I hope you can find a way to get some genuine, refreshing sleep.

If you don't have insurance you can probably go to your local hospital and be seen in their psychiatric or behavioral health department. They will want to see how much income you have and then give you a small fee if you can afford it, sometimes you don't have to pay anything. Sounds like you really need to see a doctor maybe get on some meds and then be hooked up with a therapist that you can see weekly. Please look into that, its a start at least and hopefully will be helpful to you. Best wishes to you.

Anjelmarie

There is no need to be afraid to seek help...every person here has sought help just by coming to the site. And now you are reaching out. That is a good first step. The second step is to reach out in RL. Talk to your family. They may sense something is wrong, but if you're hiding it well, they could be waiting for you to explain. There are hotlines to call like 1.800.273.TALK if you need to hear a soothing voice, but aren't quite ready to talk to your family.Don't suffer another day alone, IWTBN.

That perfectionistic mask cannot last forever. It is so unnatural and impossible to live through in life. None of us can do it (check my name been there!)

Seriously, It is okay to take a break....It is okay to give yourself a break. Really. Go to the hospital. Tell them you are not well and need help - one of the doctor's orders is "first do no harm" so they shouldn't just ignore you if you are suffering. In a safe space, with people that care, you can RRRRREEEEAAAALLLLLAAAAXXXX!, really relax cuz you are away from all the familar judgement and expectations, and just let it all out...