[tryingtobeme]

Again I am in a bad place. I have so many feelings piled up very high and I am ready to break down. I want to cry so much but I can't let myself do it. Right now, I want to go back to everything I know, drink, cut, over eat, take to many pills, shoot myself.....all those bad thoughts are not good but are pressing on me really hard.

Yesterday I almost broke down and my chuch infront of the pastor. Don't get me, my pastor and I are very good friends, no just I am a member of the church. I have become very close with the pastor and his wife. But, lately, I have pushed him so far away. He even said he doesn't know why I won't come to him and let him help me, even if it is just letting me get my feelings out.

I'm not sure what I can or should do anymore. I thought I was doing everything right, then I wake up this morning, hating myself and my body, then my husband calls about bills that are past due...it's just one big mess. I am at a lost for what I should or shouldn't feel. Normally I would call T, but he is gone.

I don't know what I want or need. Everything here I just wrote probably doesn't make any sense. I just want to cry and cry and cry....that will make me look like such a baby though.

[LittleMilly]

((((((((((((((tryingtobeme)))))))))))))))))))

I cannot say much, but know you are in my thoughts.. and i send positive vibes your way

[jilliebeanmn]

Reach out to your Pastor. Don't think about it, just do it. You are crying out in a non-verbal way that you need to be heard. He can provide that in a safe way for you.

Crying to me is not babyish at all, quite the opposite. I think sometimes it takes bravery to cry and feel those feelings. It's much easier to cut, eat, drink, or all of the other unhealthy coping methods we use.

Gentle hugs

[Rohag]

((((((( Tryingtobeme! )))))))

Crying is a whole lot better than the alternatives you mention in the first paragraph of your post.

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

...lately, I have pushed him [the pastor] so far away. He even said he doesn't know why I won't come to him and let him help me, even if it is just letting me get my feelings out.

Does you pastor have an appreciation for the full range of your diagnoses? I would hope he could develop an understanding that, from time to time, you are impelled to withdraw from people, even -- perhaps especially -- from friends. This is just a part of what you have to deal with and does not reflect poorly on either him or you.

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

I don't know what I want or need.

Now, there's a familiar feeling!

All your confusion and distress cannot diminish our high estimation of you, Tryingtobeme.

[tryingtobeme]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Does you pastor have an appreciation for the full range of your diagnoses?

Yes he does Rohag. I have seen him on many occasions previously even when my life seemed chotic like now. Before I loved going to talk to him. It was kind of like my second therapy session only from the spiritual side. I've pushed him and everyone else so far away that I am just sinking more and more. It's a good thing yet a bad thing.

[turquoisesea]

Yesterday I almost broke down and my chuch infront of the pastor. Don't get me, my pastor and I are very good friends, no just I am a member of the church. I have become very close with the pastor and his wife. But, lately, I have pushed him so far away. He even said he doesn't know why I won't come to him and let him help me, even if it is just letting me get my feelings out.

As a few others hinted at... this person sounds like an ideal one to try to be open with. What would happen if you broke down infront of the pastor? This person could help you, pastors are often very centred around helping people just by their job description and it sounds like you're friends as well! It's never easy to talk but this really might help you.

Believe it or not every word of your post makes sense to me. I've been in very similar places in every respect. It's HARD to reach out to people when depressed. But please try. Also keep in mind that it CAN get better. I've been in that place were I truly believed that it could NEVER get better - this lasted a long time. And now here I am... in a much brighter spot. Hang in there

[tryingtobeme]

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

What would happen if you broke down infront of the pastor?

Honestly, I would like to think that he would abandon be just like everyone else has.

From his perspective, he will show compassion and understanding to what is going on in my life as he always has.

I don't want to bother him though. I know he has a great deal going on with the church for next year and I don't want to be a burden.

[jilliebeanmn]

That's the depression talking, and depression LIES!! He's not going to abandon you, and you are not going to be a burden. It sounds like he has graciously invited and encouraged you to reach out. Let him help you.

[googley]

((((((Trying)))))))

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time.

[lonegael]

Depression does do everything it can to cut you off from the poeple it thinks can help you the most. Remember that. it is almost like it will try to find the people who are the greatest threats to its taking you and will try to convince you to remove yourself fromtheir company. like Jilliebeanmn says, it lies! Like a jealous, abusive lover. The people you run from now are most likely to be the ones you need the most. Please do not beat up on your self or try to "save these folks from yourself. If your pastor is a friend and a true pastor, he will know what the deal is, dear. Give him a chance to do what God calls him to do! HUGGGGSSSSSSS.

[lynn09]

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

Again I am in a bad place. I have so many feelings piled up very high and I am ready to break down. I want to cry so much but I can't let myself do it. Right now, I want to go back to everything I know, drink, cut, over eat, take to many pills, shoot myself.....all those bad thoughts are not good but are pressing on me really hard.

Hi, tryingtobeme. I agree with everything everyone here has already said and only want to add a little. Think about it - it has taken human beings a very long time to develop the requisite intelligence, skills, traits, etc., to be what we are today - and if emotions and the ability to express them were not essential to our very survival as a species, we wouldn't have them nor the ability and need to express them.

All of the alternatives to crying that you listed (drink, cut, overeat, etc.) produce the same effects in the human body and brain that crying does - they all cause the production and release of certain chemicals (endorphins - "feel good" hormones; and dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin - neurotransmitters). These chemicals produce a sense of reduced stress, anxiety, emotional and physical pain, and mental confusion. It is believed that insufficient levels of these chemicals in the brain is a major causal/contributing factor in depression, bipolar disorder, etc. In fact, most meds used to treat depression, BPD, etc., do not contain those chemicals, but are designed to stimulate the production of those chemicals. (There is really good information regarding all of this at WebMD.com in the Mental Health and Depression Health Centers.)

Rather than being babyish, crying is a much safer and more natural and efficient means of stimulating production of these chemicals than self-injury and self-abuse. Physical exercise, certain foods, and even sharing your feelings with others also help to stimulate the production of these chemicals. So, open up those tear ducts and let the waters flow - and do not hesitate to open up and verbally share what you are feeling and experiencing with a compassionate, caring, understanding, and supportive people both here on PC and in your real life.

It's not about what you should or should not feel - it's about dealing with what you are feeling. Take good care of yourself! lynn09

[Lilleth]

Your words express the way I feel too.

[jen29]

((((((tryingtobeme)))))

I am so sorry you are going through all this, but you are not alone. All of care for you here and I know your Pastor would love to get back in touch with you. He sounds worried and has a right to be worried. Sounds like you need him more than ever right now. Please give this a thought.

Always in my prayers and thoughts,
jen